I have a handful of guy friends that fall into the category of "the nice guy." No, I don't mean that those select few are the my male friends who are nice or maintain some semblance of an idea how to treat a girl well. I'm talking about the nice guys, the ones who rarely actually get girls because they're not actively out on the prowl hunting for women.
The guys I'm talking about are the ones who treat women extraordinarily well-- but ever so rarely have the chance to demonstrate it. Men who, if god forbid I were arranged to marry tomorrow, I could at least be confident with in knowing that they'd always treat me with the utmost respect.
Why is it, then, that we women never actually make a move on these men? Why do they come home, night after night, asking me why they've been rejected by that girl they met last week in class? Why do girls go for the assholes always, they ask? I treat her so well, yet she continues to run back to that shmuck who cheated on her last month with his bank teller-- how could she be that oblivious and self-depricating?
The answer is that I don't know. I have no idea why we do it. I can't explain it.
I know that when I'm in a relationship with a "good guy" I recognize it. Sure, it takes me time to get used to someone refusing to let me walk home alone. And it's almost uncomfortable when a boy picks up something little for me when he's out on errands "just because" and for no reason in particular.
Then consider those men who don't immediately try to work their way into your pants the first second they have with you behind closed doors. They must be crazy, right? That, or you're just that unattractive that they must not want your body.
We deserve to be treated well. Although the patterns in our behavior might not exemplify this, I think we all know on some level that we should be aiming to get with the good guy and to leave the asshole trailing in the dust.
So although I still can't offer answers, I did at least start getting myself on track to figuring out this huge mystery of life: why DO women always go for the jerks? I think Audrey Irvine in her column Relationship Rants is on to something when she discusses this very topic. (See http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/03/25/rr.disappearing.nice.guys/index.html.)
Maybe it's that the nice men aren't the ones who are out there blatantly demanding female attention in bars. And they're not the ones who will come up to you and ask for your number when they think you're cute-- they're more likely to be secretly planning a way to (respectfully) ask you for coffee in broad daylight.
My point is, look around. See who's hiding in the shadows-- or behind his New York Times in Starbucks. Don't jump to run off with the man who offers to buy you a drink simply because you were worth a couple bucks and a few minutes of his time. If you really want to be treated well, look for the men who don't overtly demonstrate their craving to get you in bed.
It's worth taking time to scout for the nice ones. After all, you can still end up with the fabulous romance but while also being treated well both in private and in public. Can you imagine? A man who acknowledges your presence in public? Now that's worth looking for.
XOXO,
R.
