The Disappearing Act

It happens all the time. Girl goes out with boy. Boy and girl both have fun. It seems like they share a “special” connection. Both go home smiling. Maybe they share another night out. Maybe not. Boy never calls girl again. Girl wonders what happened. Boy never tells girl. Girl never finds out answer. Story ends.

It's all too common yet I hear this recurring tale from girls' perspectives all the time. "We had everything minus our mothers in common!" they exclaim. "It went perfectly and I was never so comfortable in my life on a first date!" others tell. What they all wonder, no matter how they're phrasing it and regardless of how they proceed with their lives, is WHY. Why didn't he call? Why didn't we ever see each other again? Did I misjudge the situation? Am I really actually not so accurate when it comes to reading people and did he not actually have fun?

Well, ladies, it's a harsh reality out there: sometimes, you just won't know. You'll never know. Ever. Maybe it sucks, maybe it frustrates you, maybe you want to know what went wrong so that you can finally sleep again or know that it wasn't entirely your fault. But you can't. Sometimes there's no way of knowing. And that's just life.

I've been in this situation many times myself. Sometimes I've found out the honest answer, like when a close guy friend who I seemed to gel with perfectly told me flat out that he's "just not attracted" to me. At the time I was offended; in retrospect, not so much. It was honest. Blunt, hurtful (although out of my control) but honest. Had we not been such close friends as well, I think in that instance that statement would have explained why, even though we connected well, we didn't end up dating.

Likewise, I've also dealt with the Houdinis of dates-- the guys who pull the mysterious disappearing act for reasons that I've never know, only to magically pop back into my life weeks or months later. Maybe they've reappeared with the intentions of scoring more dates with me, or maybe they've just wanted a booty-call. I usually imagine that they've tried out some other girls (perhaps unsuccessfully) and are trying to revert back to me, their second, seemingly safer option. But, let's face it, I no longer want to see you again, no matter how much I felt like we connected in the past. You've already proven to me that you're not reliable or, really, all that serious in pursuing me.

A strong emotional spark means a lot and there's no arguing that, but it sure aint everything. Dependability, on the other hand, represents a greater part of the equation than we usually imagine. So you've got some amazing things in common, but does it ever really matter if he doesn't call when he says he will or never initiates plans with you?

Yes, we can sometimes learn from our mistakes but, quite honestly, when a guy just fades away, there isn't always something to gain from knowing why. I'm a believer in constructive criticism, even when it hurts, but sometimes, like in many of these situations, there's nothing really constructive to say. Maybe he's just not interested or perhaps he just has bullshit commitment issues and is scared to actually get into a serious relationship.

Knowing about any of his personal mischegas (the Yiddish word for BS) won't help YOU. You might even find yourself wondering if you can convince him otherwise or help him in some way. But don't. Just don't. Take it for what it is: it wasn't meant to be. If he wanted to date you he'd make it a point to call you and make plans and treat you well and impress your friends and family. Maybe in the future he will be ready, and he might come crawling back. It's then up for you to decide if you want to get involved or not. That's when you have to weigh the evidence and go with your gut.

It's comforting when we have answers. It really is. Especially when we know things happened because they were out of our control (even as frustrating as that can be) because we know that we didn't do anything wrong to precipitation the situation. The fact of life is that we don't always have answers. Just like we don't know how the world came to be or why Bill Clinton ever thought it would be a good idea to bang Monica Lewinsky (couldn't he have done better?!), we don't always stop dating someone with full knowledge as to why things went down the way they did. (Not him on you, sickos! And, if that is what I'm referring to, maybe your answer is that you just didn't smell that clean. If so, take care of that now, missy.)

Speculating isn't worth our time. Making an effort to find someone reliable and respectful is. And it's important to remember that.

Being grateful for what you have.

This weekend was supposed to be a good one. And it was. It just didn't start out that way. Let's just say I was supposed to spend Friday night to Sunday night celebrating my boyfriend's birthday in New Orleans. Due to a missed flight in Philly (thanks, US Airways, I love you!) I ended up spending the night there and not scoping out all of the trash (human and not) in the Who Dat Nation.

So I'm sitting on the plane to Philadelphia, watching the seconds tick by on my phone (using airplane mode, don't worry) and realizing that no way in hell am I ever going to make my connection to NOLA. The plane finally lands after having left the gate 15 minutes late, hanging out on the tarmac for 45 extra minutes and then circling around Philadelphia and-- yep-- my connection had already left. Not only had it left me, but it also left 11 other lucky souls-- so lucky, in fact, that they were able to witness my near hissy fit when I found out that we had just missed the final flight to Louisiana for the night. It became clear that I was going to be spending the next 12 hours in a dreary airport hotel room, when really I should have been down south taking jello shots and collecting Mardi Gras beads.

That was until I met my N, who I'll call my"new best friend." N had been sitting behind me on our delayed flight and happened to be heading to the same final destination as I was. We bonded as we battled the incompetent morons who sat picking their noses and rolling their eyes from behind the "CUSTOMER SERVICE" desk. When we both realized that no supervisor would actually be arriving after we requested one about nineteen times, we decided to make the best of the situation: have dinner, get rooms in the same hotel, make sure we both woke up for our early morning flight and have breakfast together. And so we did.

I'm not going to lie, but our dinner felt like a first date. A first date gone relatively well, mind you. Too bad we weren't looking to date each other; rather, we were both stuck in this miserable location when we were both really supposed to be in the south visiting our boyfriends who temporarily both have moved from our home city there to work. But, as far as girl dates go, this one was as good as it could have been. In fact, we had a lot in common, and if I had to choose someone to be stranded in an unfamiliar city with again, it might actually be her.

What I didn't expect, though, was that I'd actually learn something at dinner. My boyfriend, C, has been away training for business in Arkansas. N's boyfriend, a civil engineer, is temporarily in New Orleans, working on some sort of flood wall project. C is gone for 3 months. N's boyfriend, when he finishes up the project, will have been gone for two years. After I heard that, I began to recognize a lesson learned about long distance relationships:

It could be a lot worse. And I really mean A LOT worse. What if, god forbid, I were with someone off at war in Iraq? The worst thing I have to worry about is that my boyfriend is going to come home addicted to fried catfish, but not if he's going to come home at all. I'm so lucky, I realized, that this is temporary and, what's more, that he's in my life at all. So for all those moments when it feels lonely to have a partner away for business or something else equally as trivial, I've realized that we all need to be reminded how lucky we are. Some people aren't fortunate enough to ever know when that special person in their life will ever come home. And, more people than not aren't even lucky enough to have someone they even consider special in their life at all. Maybe I got a little of the south in me when I was there this weekend, but really, kids, [insert southern accent here] count your blessings. You've got more to be happy about than you think and, more often than not, you're not in the worst situation possible. Doesn't mean it's not a hard circumstance, but plenty of people have it so much worse-- and their version of worse might be forever.

My dinner date also made me recognize how great it is to learn about your own strength and independence when the one you love is so far away. N started telling me how she rarely complains about her boyfriend being absent, mainly because of the reason I listed above and because she knows she can handle being on her own and having her own routine. What drives her insane, she explained, is when her girlfriends will call her upset because their boyfriends are gone for a couple days on business or for a family function over a weekend. Funny how it's the same thing that makes me crazy. Together we decided something: if you can't handle your man being away for a couple of days then you've got a problem. A serious problem. It's called co-dependence. Be grateful you're in a loving relationship if you are and that your circumstances are only temporary. Then tough it out like a real woman.

They say "distance makes the heart grow fonder," but after my lengthy discussion with N I've come to the conclusion that distance makes the mind grow stronger. It's important to learn how to be independent, how to go out with friends and spend time apart from your significant other, no matter how much you love them or are in love with them. I've realized that I look down upon people who can't do that, people who complain about a couple of days apart from their relationship. And I've learned that some space can be the most special and magical thing of them all.