The Screening Process

"Before I even kiss a boy, I ask him for his health history," a college acquaintance once explained to me.

And that's why you've never been so fortunate as to kiss a boy, I thought to myself, aware of the semi-evil judgement I had made.

It's unreasonable to expect any person of romantic interest (who you're about to kiss) to tell you when the last time he had the flu was, never mind let you know if he ever had pinkeye or strep throat as a child. While it might be acceptable to verify that you're both clean and STD-free before engaging in any intimate acts, it's really not possible (or even acceptable) to try to find out everything about that person before you cause sparks to fly under your bedsheets.

You can, however, screen people to some extent before you go on a first date. In fact, I highly recommend that you more or less follow a simple protocol before even agreeing to spend an hour having coffee. That's not to say that you should analyze their every word, try to find out too much or ruin any potential of mystery and excitement. But before you go and waste that precious hour of your time, there are some precautions you can take to make it more likely that you'll enjoy the person you're out with.

Now, keep in mind that I'm not currently dating or even as much as perusing online dating or matchmaking websites. Fortunately for me, a girl who still finds herself fascinated with this kind of thing, I have plenty of friends hopping from date to date, from restaurant to restaurant with different "suiters," if you will. By no means am I an expert, but back when I was dating online, I did learn a lot about what works and what doesn't in terms of finding a good date. It's all about trial and error. Fortunately, I've made the errors for you and was able to come up with this list of what you should and shouldn't do before meeting someone.

Here's what I learned about the pre-date lead-up:

1. Read your potential date's profile, and read it well. Thoroughly. All of it. Don't skip lines. If you do, you might just happen to miss that one deal breaker right away (like he doesn't want kids or he hates sushi) and have to spend two hours showering, washing your hair, drying it, straightening it, picking out clothes and putting on makeup, only to arrive at your local Starbucks and hear what he had clearly written out for you earlier. Take the time to read what he said, hope he's being honest and, if you still like him, continue on with the process.

2. How does he approach you for the first time? If it's an instant message, does he write you something sleazy like "HEY SEXY, I HOPE I CAN BE YOUR PRINCE" right off the bat? Or, does he take the time to write you something personalized and meaningful? Perhaps he asks you questions about YOU, or maybe he comments on something specific that he read in your profile. Either way, you can tell a lot about his approach to dating from your very first online conversation, whether via email or instant message or whatever it is. Anything too generic, at all offensive or too much about him equals bad news bears.

3. Make sure you've exchanged more than one email back and forth before accepting a date invitation. If it's only been one or two and a guy asks you out, how does he really know he wants to spend any time with you? Is he shallow and basing his assessment off of your looks? (God help him and let's hope that your photo is the real you!) Or is he just that eager to get a date with anyone he can so he immediately asks out whatever girl will talk to him? Perhaps he's just looking to get someone to go out with him so he can lull her in for an easy hookup after buying her a nice dinner. Who knows. But really, get a better sense of who he is via email before you jump into anything. Oh, and seeing how he writes doesn't hurt either. Not to say that you should judge someone on their spelling and grammar. I understand that not everyone in this world is fortunate enough to be well educated or even skilled in these areas. But, really, if you can't deal with it now, do you really actually think you'll grow to be able to deal with it in six months?

4. Always always ALWAYS talk on the phone with the person who you might be going out with before you agree to actually do so. I'm not talking about talking on the phone to firm up your plans; rather, I mean get a feel for them as a person, for their voice, for their way of speaking (and the way that they speak TO you) before you come up with any ideas for a date. We've all been there: we go to meet up with someone we thinks will be great, only to encounter them and learn that they have an exceptionally abrasive or just annoying voice that we just can't live with.

It's important to understand that this is not, by any means, a sure-fire plan to go on a successful date. There's so much more to find out when you actually meet the person-- a feeling that you'll get that can't be described in words. But, if you're careful and at least make some sort of attempt to weed out the countless men interested in you (YES, there are a lot. You just might not realize it.) then you'll find yourself out with a deadbeat who can't hold a conversation or speak his own language properly. Try to get the best sense of him that you can before meeting him in person.

And, as always, have a backup plan before the date. I hear your bestie tends to need you every time her dog comes down with a stomach issue...

Move Out and Get a Job. Really. It's Time.

I'm not sure really why this seems particularly relevant today, but it's something that I've felt like writing about for a while. Be aware: you very well might be offended by this post. But, that said, if you are, it might be time to wake up and smell the coffee. This is reality, baby. And it aint necessarily pleasant.

It's often been said that my generation, the kids who grew up in the late eighties and nineties, are used to having everything given to them. I'm talking the kids who woke up to watch Care Bears and Inspector Gadget and played with Teddy Ruxpin and baked Creepy Crawlers. You know who you are. Not only that, but you know that a lot of you (NOT all, by any means, but a LOT, myself included) were given most things without having to work too hard for them. For example, we were always told we were winners, that we were superstars in most of our endeavors. And we were used to having things our way. It's known that people of my generation, more than those of any other, are considered whiners and people who complain when things don't go exactly their way. Experts attribute this attitude to the encouragement we received from adults, like all the trophies we all got playing sports, even when we scored in the wrong goal or had hissy-fits on the field.

In May, The New York Times published an article called "The Why-Worry Generation" by Judith Warner. (I hope it's clear that I'm just referring back to this and not that many months behind in my reading!) Honestly, I wish I could say the author's wrong in the way she portrayed us. She isn't. Overall, we are "entitled whiners who have been spoiled by parents who overtsoked [our] self-esteem, teachers who granted undeserved A's and sports coaches who bestowed trophies on any player who showed up." On the whole, we don't accept jobs that we don't consider "perfect" or "ideal," with the hours we want and the exact pay we have always expected. We tend to think our resumes are perfect, our credentials better than average and our performance stellar-- even when it's not.

Warner notes that perhaps people of my generation wait around for seemingly perfect opportunities because of their optimism, a trait usually considered positive. In this case, though, I'd argue that optimism to that degree is negative, too idealistic and, quite honestly, unrealistic. What happens when a person is so sure they'll get a great job that they're willing to wait around, not earning a living, for months (or, god forbid, years) on end?

Maybe some people call it optimism, but I call it "a cover-up for disgusting behavior." I think back to people of our parents', grandparents' and great-grandparents' generations. Did they sit home, living off of their parents' income, waiting for a job that they considered just right? Or did they take whatever job they could get, happy to be earning a living, grateful for their income which allowed for their independence?

All in all, I have to say that I'm horrified by many kids my age. There are exceptions to any rule, and I certainly understand that there are times when it's OK to be living with your parents or not earning money; daunting amounts of debt from education, illness, a tragic life crisis are all examples. But, what about the kids who are just plain lazy? The ones who turn down jobs because they're not exactly what they want? The ones who don't even bother to search for jobs in the first place because they'd rather live off of their parents until that dream position lands in their lap-- magically?

Now I'm not saying I make a lot of money (because I don't) or that I'm never the one complaining about having to go to work (because I am. Often.) But I was fortunate enough to be GIVEN an education, something I'm eternally grateful for. I'm capable of getting up to go to work every day, and so I do it-- six days per week. As a result, I'm able to pay my own rent each month, all of my bills and for all other things, both necessities and luxuries. (Sometimes, that weekly manicure or decadent sushi dinners are necessary... I think.) And you know what? It sure feels good to be independent. (I mean, don't we all want our parents to have zero hold on us? Or do we want them controlling our every move?)

So, to the people my age who don't work, don't pay their own rent or their own bills, I know it's not my business. It's not. Really. But it still annoys me and, on top of that, makes our entire generation look bad-- especially those of us who really do take care of themselves. We're not entitled to special treatment, no matter how much money our families earned and accumulated in generations past. It's not our god-given right to live off of unemployment and, really, shouldn't even be allowed unless we absolutely cannot find work. Beyond that, even if our parents are willing to give, give, give, it's NOT their responsibility. Let them enjoy their money, without having to support us. Did you ever think that maybe they have better things to use their income on than your dinners out and your expensive haircuts?

Think about it for a minute. Or an hour. Stop being lazy, Millennials. Try to do something for yourself, and then maybe even our society. Don't make hardworking people like your family members or me provide (directly or indirectly) for you. Be brave and learn how to write a rent check, pay the cable bill and grocery shop. It'll be worth it in the end. Trust me.

You Searched for WHAT and Ended Up on MY BLOG?!

I’m not at all internet savvy, but one thing I do know is how to use the website that tracks who views this very blog. Don’t get freaked out—I can’t tell who you are. Identifying readers would require me tracking down your IP address and, let’s be honest, I have no idea how I would even start to do that besides just asking my brother to complete the process after giving him the number. (Is an IP address even a number? A code?) My capabilities boil down to this: I can tell how many people viewed my page, the time and date of their visit, what city they were in when they visited (or where their server is) and if they’re on a Mac of a PC. (I’d hope though that most of my readers are smart enough to be using a Mac.)

Anyway, there’s one other thing I can tell: how people got to my page in the first place. All I have to do is click on a link I find on my tracking site called “referrals.” Clicking this link brings me to a list of web pages that my last 50 or so visitors clicked on, via which they arrived at Bitches in Stitches.

To clarify let me give you an example. (NO, I don’t think you’re all idiots. I just know I can’t properly explain anything technological.) Say you see that I posted a link to my post on Facebook, as you might very well have a minute ago. You click my link and, TA-DAH, Facebook pops up as the page that referred you to my blog. Here’s where it gets interesting: when people find the page through a Google search, I’m also privy to their search terms that led them here. In honor of a dreadfully painful and slow Wednesday, I’m going to share with you some of my favorites. Boy, are they good.

In no particular order:

1. “Guy stop texting after 1^st date and why.”

Just a thought: Maybe he didn’t like you. Perhaps if you had to Google that you’re also otherwise so socially unaware that you don’t know how to dress for or behave on a date?

2. “Boy end girl sexy”

What does this even mean? Maybe you meant to write an “a” in front of “nd” instead of writing “end” but you sure as hell could have fooled me. Somehow, Google managed to guide you to the post I wrote about a boyfriend thinking another girl is attractive.

3. “Texting have a good trip”

Acid trip? Vacation to the moon? Relax. Maybe he literally just meant that he hopes you have a good trip. Or she hopes that. I have no way of even knowing who wrote that search query. But really, sometimes people genuinely mean what they say.

4. “Seeing someone and being in a relationship”

This search makes sense: most of us really don’t know what the difference is between “seeing someone” and “being in a relationship,” besides the fact that being in a relationship sounds more official and is more likely to piss-off an ex. (I’m not advocating that, just stating the truth!) Besides, I wrote a blog post with almost that exact title, so that makes sense that someone would wind up on my page.

5. “I need to find a goddamn boyfriend”

All I can say is that you better get off Google and either into the real world or onto an online dating site. Searching for Mr. Perfect on an online search engine doesn’t really do the trick. Sorry, but someone had to break the news.

6. “How to make a boy not be able to stop thinking about me”

Do you mean positive or negative thoughts? If it’s the negative that you’re referring to, I could certainly offer some suggestions. You could start off being a girl who trusts Google algorithms for dating advice.

7. “Bitches on dating sites”

I’m not sure if a person here was looking for true bitches (i.e. mean girls) on dating sites or for a girl who could be their “bitch.” But, regardless, really? I mean, really?! Either way, the searcher here isn’t up to any good.

8. “Craigslist whores”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this search makes it seem like the person is the next Peter Markoff. Or they’re really just that desperate for a cheap lay. Again, another situation where the search really just couldn’t lead you to anything good. Well, besides my blog, of course!

That’s all for today. Here’s to hoping that I made you smile, even the teeniest bit, and brightened up your Wednesday!

Singles Awareness Day

One of the worst days of the year has arrived. Along with my birthday, it's one of the days that I dread the most. It's one where, once it starts, I can't wait for it to end. It's Singles Awareness Day and it sure as hell aint pleasant-- even for those lucky enough to be attached.

Today's a day that, no matter how happy we are in our lives, always reminds us of our less than happy February 14ths of years past. Maybe it was last year that we were alone on the couch, shoving our faces with chocolate. Or perhaps we think back to that time five years ago, when we were newly single and spending the holiday vegging in bed, instead of out for a romantic dinner with the one who supposedly loved us. No matter what, I think it's likely that some of us have had a less than ideal Valentine's Day at some point or another. Since whenever we're miserable or even just unhappy it seems like the rest of the world is joyfully in love, we sometimes remember those bad days instead of focusing on what we have now.

Let me get something straight: there's nothing wrong with being single. In fact, if you're single you can potentially make Valentine's Day a really special, enjoyable holiday. (For anyone interested, I hear there's an anti-Valentine's Day party going on at my house tonight, complete with cupcakes...) If you've ever read my postings before, you know that I'm actually a big advocate for living the single life and enjoying all that it has to offer. In fact, there are many perks to being unattached that seem to slip away once we're committed. But, on a day like today, it often feels like everyone who is in a relationship is flaunting it in all our faces. Maybe it's that girl who got the box of chocolates delivered to her desk at work, or the guy who professes his love to his lady friend via a Facebook status. (Not acceptable, by the way. It's tacky beyond belief.) But, moreso today than on every other day, people throw their apparent happiness in our way. It often makes it seem like they're trying to trump our own happiness, as if theirs is better or more valuable than ours.

I think that part of me hates this holiday because it's fake. Fake because it's a Hallmark holiday (does anyone even really celebrate the saint who it's supposed to be about anyway?) and fake because people are over the top in their emotions and in their declarations of love. Am I wrong to think that we shouldn't NEED a holiday that encourages us to let others know how we feel about them? It's my own personal opinion that we should be making this sentiment clear each and every day of the year, not just on the 14th day of February. And, well, if you're only for some reason able to express this emotion on that day, then you better re-evaluate the situation you're in and recognize that you've got a problem.

Now, if you are attached, it really can be a nice thing to take a night to go out for a nice dinner or to just be in each others' company. I guess that the holiday gives us some incentive to be proactive and do just that; however, shouldn't we use this as a reminder that we should be doing that all the time if we're with someone we really care about?

On the flip side, maybe we should milk this day for all it's worth and extend it to ALL of the people we love and care about. I'm not just talking about all the people we're sleeping with (kidding) but to all of our friends and family members who mean so much to us. We should remember that even if this year we're happily committed to someone else, plenty of our friends and neighbors aren't this time. To all the happy people out there, I hate to say it but next year it might be YOU that's alone. So take a second and send some love, either via the phone, a visit, a card or a dancing and singing stuffed mouse, to someone who might be feeling down in the dumps today. Even if you're so fortunate as to be able to share the day with a romantic partner of some sort, taking the time to reach out to someone who doesn't have that luxury today might make your day the happiest.

Stop texting. Stop calling. STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.

Most of us who have dated have been in this situation. We go on a date and we're not that interested in the man we went out with. Boy keeps calling and texting. Sometimes maybe we've responded, sometimes we persistently ignore him. But, however we respond, we know we're not being friendly and we're certainly not showing interest (even if he CONVINCES HIMSELF we're playing hard to get.)

Why is it, then, that sometimes a guy just doesn't get it? I know, I know, we're hard to resist. At times, at least. Other times (...of the month...) you couldn't pay me to be a guy near a girl. But really, why can't some men just take a hint? Not even just a hint, something alluded to or suggested, but a blatant FACT?

In case you're still unsure of exactly what type of situation I'm referring to, I'll provide you with some examples. One is my own personal experience from a serial-dating period of my life. The other a friend recently shared with me, while venting her frustrations and trying to figure out what the hell it is that this man doesn't understand!

Here was my scenario. I went out with a guy. Mistake number one: I met him at a local bar. But hey, we all make mistakes, and even though I should have known that his idea wasn't particularly appropriate (or appealing!) for a first date, I agreed to go. He looked like he could be handsome and he seemed smart, so why not?

I get to the date and, like a total gentleman, he's on time. But, let's just say that's about all he did right the entire night. (OK, he paid for my one rum and diet, but that was it besides that. I swear.) Now, I know it's not his fault that he was shorter than I am-- I'm 5'1''-- but it WAS his fault he said he was 5'5''. Either someone needed to re-take their second grade math lesson on measuring, or they needed to learn to tell the truth. But, that was something I could overlook (literally) and I obviously let the date proceed.

Problem was, I would have had to look past a lot more than that in order to be able to tolerate another date with him. This was a guy who I can promise is a self-described foodie. He'd been to most of the restaurants in our neighborhood, and all of the most famous places in town. But, of course, every time I'd share with him a place that I liked, he'd look at me with a judgmental glare or say "Oh, I don't really like it there" or "It's really not all that good there." Rude, yes. So bad that I couldn't tolerate an entire hour in his presence? Bordering on that, but I knew how to handle myself.

Needless to say, after he insulted all of my favorite places and proved that he couldn't carry on a conversation about anything besides food, I decided immediately that I wasn't interested. Per my own protocol, I wasn't going to answer his calls or his texts, and we certainly weren't going to become friends anytime soon.

I followed my own rules. He didn't get it. He kept calling and he kept texting. I got a few of those messages that were something to the extent of "Hey, this is J... I'm just um... calling to see how you are." Then I'd get the simple texts asking what I was up to or how I was. Over a month later, I got this email:

hey R,

So I'm going to assume that our lack of conversation over the past month or so is an indication that you aren't interested in speaking to me anymore. I'm a little surprised though because I really enjoyed the few hours I got to spend with you and I also remember you saying you were interested in being friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm still interested in seeing you again, but I totally get it if you're not interested...I guess I'm just looking for some closure either way.

Happy Hannukah and have a good new year!

J



First off, I'm sorry that you need closure after one dinner. I really am. Because what happens if you've had, say, dinner AND a kiss with some girl and then she reveals that she's not interested? Do you need to be locked into an insane asylum to heal yourself? Maybe go live with the monks in Tibet so that you can find your inner peace and spirituality?


I've got to be blunt in a situation like this: Get a clue, dude, I don't want to be involved with you! If I did, I'd reciprocate your efforts to be in touch and maybe, just maybe, be interested in seeing you again. Would I really be playing hard to get for an entire month? Did it ever cross your mind that if I were to do that, I would know I was running the risk of losing you, clearly the love of my life, forever?

Something similar happened with a friend of mine this week. Long story short, she'd been on three dates with K. (Three dates definitely = marriage and living happily ever after, right? Duh.) Anyway, K took a trip overseas after those dates and, even with the seven hour time difference and exorbitant long-distance fees, texted and called her every day of the trip. Most times she didn't even answer or respond, but he kept at it. Honestly, I felt sad for him the whole time that he'd be focusing so much of his energies on a girl who was acting lukewarm toward him when, in theory, he could have been on an exotic beach being hit on by a much hotter-for-him sun.

Here's what happened when he got back: my friend decided she needed to make it clear that this wasn't going to go anywhere. No need to keep stringing him along because she wasn't about to pursue him (she had been dating another guy of much more interest anyway) and no point in hurting his feelings. So she did the classic "I'm not ready for this" bit and assumed he'd just GET IT and move on.

Bzzzzz, WRONG!

Text 1 from K after her explanation: i wish you wouldve told me before i left for for my trip, but i was starting to get that feeling

...half hour later...

Text 2 from K: not to beat a dead horse, but i cant wrap my head around this...why the change?

Here's my question: why are you beating a dead horse if you KNOW you are? And what do you think you're going to get out of it? Even moreso, why would you WANT to be with a girl who clearly isn't into you?

I think that some people just don't get it. There might not be a rhyme or reason as to why or what they don't understand, but they don't. More or less, it's a form of social ineptitude, if you will. If nothing more, girls and other guys can learn from reading about these experiences.

What can they learn? A few things:

1. Don't act (or be) desperate. Just don't.
2. If someone clearly isn't interested, back off. If YOU got it wrong and they're interested even though you think they aren't, they'll come looking for YOU.
3. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you, not someone who ignores all of your efforts to get in touch with them.
4. A first date doesn't mean much. It's a first impression-- that's not only true but also important-- but it doesn't signify any kind of commitment or even true interest in the person. After all, you just met!

I'll end with one more thing. As the uninterested party we can't feel guilty. * We MUST at all times be polite, unless someone becomes verbally or physically forceful toward us. But you're not going to be with someone you're not crazy about (or, you shouldn't at least!) so no need to lead on a guy who's interested when you're not. Tell him you're done and move on. Eventually he'll have to, too.

*Note: we all end up on both sides of this equation at one point or another, we just might not be as dramatic as the people in the examples I listed)

Just Friends-- After Meeting on a Dating Site?

Normally I don't like to read my work email during hours that aren't 8:30am-4:30pm on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays or Fridays. A job-related problem came up last night as I was lounging on the couch in oversized sweatpants. I had to open up my dreaded inbox. Crisis averted after a few moments of panic and a couple instances of almost throwing up. Apparently, though, I wasn't the only one having a day of uncertainty; because I opened up my work email, I found that a work friend was having his own issue to deal with-- one that didn't involve work but that somehow found its way into my work email.

"Will you be in tomorrow?" he wrote. "I have a girl issue to discuss with you."

After a morning equally as stressful as my night, I finally found a second to catch up with friend to get the 411 on his situation. He explained that he had gone on a date. A really good date, for all that that's worth. I couldn't help but wonder what the issue was. Could he be like one of us girls who gets upset when things are going well for us? Was he about to sabotage something good out of fear of letting himself be too happy?

Yes, it was a good date and yes, they most certainly had a great time. They had such a fun time, in fact, that he really wants to go out with her again. Minor detail: he's just not attracted to her.

The problem was much simpler than I expected. The solution, on the other hand, might not be so easy to determine. Could he just tell her that he wants to be friends with her-- and then actually remain her friend? he wondered aloud. NO, I answered.

But why not? Why couldn't they just be friends?

Are you really looking for new FRIENDS? I asked him.

No, he answered.

I asked him if he thought that this girl was searching for more friends.

Negative. She wasn't and isn't.

This girl is on a dating site for a reason, and it aint because she's looking for another man friend to play Scrabble against on a Friday night. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule. Maybe sometimes we are looking for new friends; for example, we might be on the friend prowl when we've moved to a new city or we find that our group of friends has dissipated. But, in general, how often do you think people are really spending time on matchmaking sites without any intentions of finding romance and/or sexual partners? It's quite simple actually: dating sites are for that very purpose-- dating. Deep, I know.

Well, this friend wanted to know, what was my rationale behind my very solid opinion? I clearly had made a decision, and it wasn't based on the idea that guys and girls can't just be friends. (I'm a strong believer that they can be.) Past experience, though, has taught me that people who meet on dating sites (generally speaking) can't and won't develop friendships. Take, for example, the last time I thought that was possible. The guy and I became close "friends" and we hung out platonically dozens of times. But, each and every time we hung out, it became clearer and clearer that he had ulterior motives for our hangout sessions, whereas I really just wanted a guy friend to spend time with since I had just moved into the area.

Our "friendship" ended when he decided to attempt to pull a fast-one, but I ended that situation quicker than he could have ever imagined. Sure enough, he found himself a girlfriend a couple of months later because, after all, that was what he had truly been yearning for the entire time. (Disclaimer: no fault against him for wanting a romantic relationship with someone; I was the one who lost points for being the idiot to not see through his whole friendship act.) He had met me on a dating site for a reason and since I wasn't fulfilling his desires, he wasn't about to accept just friendship with me (a girl who he apparently was attracted to) while eager for more.

When I started to think about my coworker's situation, though, I realized that another occurrence had also influenced my point of view. Years ago when I was dealing with an on-again/off-again situation with a guy and things just weren't working out, I told him in one of those emotional, college-maturity ways that I thought we should just be friends. Funny thing is I was serious-- I really thought that.

His response?

"R, I don't NEED anymore friends. I wouldn't have been out looking for a girlfriend and gotten involved with you if I were looking for more friends."

I really believe that we can never have enough friends. That said, it's more important to develop deep and meaningful friendships, rather than stretch ourselves thin over dozens of "friends." (Same goes for how we shouldn't do that with members of the opposite sex!) But, this boyfriend's comment was the end to whatever we had between us. To be quite honest, I think it was the end of me thinking that guys and girls on dating sites (who found each other via this technology) can really end up friends. After all, if we were looking for more friends, would we really be going to the trouble to advertise ourselves as seeking romance?

Dating & Avoiding Technological Ties

Almost a year ago I went out on a first date with a guy who lived in my neighborhood. As we were finishing up our afternoon tea (I never have had and never will have a cup of coffee!) he checked his vibrating phone. He'd received a BBM (a Blackberry Message, for those of you unfamiliar) from a friend. Points to him for not responding, although negative points to him for looking at all and for telling me flat out after I had asked that we couldn't be BBM friends. I thought I had made myself clear that I was kidding and that I didn't, in fact, actually intend on adding him to my list of contacts, but he didn't take it that way. In retrospect it seems like a slightly creepy request from me on a first date. (But, in retrospect, many choices I've made also seem like bad ideas. Like that guy first semester of freshman year of college, er um... THOSE guys freshman year in college...)

Date two rolled along and we started talking about Facebook. This time, boy explained to me that no, not only could we not be BBM friends, but also we weren't yet at the point where we could be Facebook friends. Blunt and just weird, right?

Most of my friends thought it was bizarre. They warned that he was certainly trying to hide something from me, something he didn't want me seeing as wee got to know each other more and more. He must have had scantily-clad women in his photos and countless girls making flirty comments all over his wall. After all, if he had nothing to hide, why wouldn't he just friend me?!

As it turns out, he didn't even have a wall. And he still doesn't. Well, he did for a brief second in time as an experiment, but then realized he didn't like what people were posting. "It's like me holding up a sign in public that screams that I'm about to have lunch with my friend or going to get my car serviced," he always explains. And, really, I can't argue-- he's right. Why should everyone who he accepts as a Facebook "friend" be privy to such personal or even such mundane information about his life?

In the end it didn't take him all that long to extend me the privilege of being his Facebook friend. I'd say that by date three he finally clicked the "accept" button, an action that allowed me to see his personal information and-- the real jackpot-- his photos... photos that cataloged his life for the past five or so years. It did take slightly longer for him to make it clear to me that he wanted me to himself, as his girlfriend who wasn't seeing other guys.

Now, months later, we're still dating, and I'm able to look back with a smile on how he handled the whole technological aspect of our new relationship. We're still not BBM friends (I kicked the BB to the curb months ago) but we do use Facebook together, mostly so that we can share photos from our adventures with family and friends. There really shouldn't be any big surprises that arise from this site at this point; the key to any good relationship is openness and communication, without which maybe I'd be finding photos of him posing with strange girls. And, to be honest, I don't find myself clicking on his page all that much, as any face to face interaction transcends whatever I could gather from his online profile.

The lesson I've learned though, is two-fold: yes, it's true that Facebook is a fabulous stalking tool. Of course the second he gave me access to his page I looked through the photos that people had tagged of him to see what his college life had been life, who he'd been hanging out with, which girls he'd been involved with. He happened to not have anything too racy, so his online persona didn't sway me one way or the other. But I also learned that maybe it wasn't a bad idea after all to make me wait it out for a couple of weeks and just get to know him via in-person dates, phone calls and emails. That way I got to know the real him, the one who I still see regularly and not the version that Facebook might portray him as. (Think about it for a second-- most people's pictures online are from when they're out with friends, usually partying or drinking or being social to some degree, just because that's when people have to have cameras around. Doesn't mean they're always like that, but rather just that's when people snap the most pictures!)

As for not letting me be his BBM friend-- that much, I still don't know. From what I understand he was afraid that I'd turn into that annoying girl who expected constant contact, even when we were apart. Of course I made this possible without the use of a Blackberry (Kidding. No, really. I'm joking.) but, in all honesty, I see his point. No need to be THAT connected-- texts, emails and calls really should suffice when you're not together. I'd say that if they don't then you've got a real problem and it's really time to cut the Facebook ties and, well, all ties for that matter because girl (or boy!), it's time to be independent!

Lying to Dates

I think it's pretty clear that I usually don't condone lying. After all, I was the one who spent an entire post ranting about my ex-friend who I not-so-nicely called out for having fabricated a life of lies. I mean, why wouldn't I believe that she was commuting to Manhattan for a glamorous internship at The Food Network when her mommy wouldn't really let her drive to the bagel store in our town alone? And, what's more, of course she had an extremely devoted boyfriend who she'd travel extensively with-- even though she wasn't allowed out of her house in suburban Connecticut past dark and happened to be spending her nights navigating from one Jdate profile to another. All adds up. Sure.

Anyway, I just realized an instance where I wholeheartedly believe that it's ok to take this really disgusting practice of lying and put it to good use. Mind you, I'm not talking about all-out lies; rather, I'm hinting at the fact that it's OK to sometimes craft a white lie here or there in order to spare someone's feelings. Really, it's only OK when there's no risk of the situation escalating for the worst or for any involved parties to find out. And it has to be helping someone or sparing their feelings, not for any other purpose.

I realize I'm speaking pretty abstractly so I'll go ahead pinpoint the instance that I have in mind where it's alright to fib a little. This whole train of thought started earlier today when I was talking to my friend who's currently out and about on the dating scene in New York, M. M was briefing me on her dates of the past weekend and noted that she had gone out with someone rather dull. He was a nice guy, but someone she had no interest in pursuing due to a lack of chemistry or, OK, fine-- just his inability to generate interesting conversation. The day after the date (where he took her for cupcakes but not coffee or tea because he's opposed to caffeine but somehow not sweets) he texted her saying how he had a great time and was pretty sure she felt the same.

Lesson for men: don't ever assume that your date felt the same way as you did. Just don't. Women can be deceivingly great actresses, so try to avoid putting words into their mouths.

Lesson for women: you have two ways of handling this situation where you clearly aren't interested in laying eyes on him but where he wants to lay a hell of a lot more on you. You can be direct and say something to the effect of "I think you're a really great guy, but I just didn't feel any chemistry." Conversely, you can lie. And by lie, I mean just concoct some sort of BRIEF yet fictional line that explains why you have no interest in pursuing him further. If you choose the second option, the most common excuse (see, not lie, but EXCUSE!) is that you're just getting over a relationship or painful breakup and you're not really so keen on dating yet.

In this instance, I actually think it's beneficial for both parties when the girl just tells a simple fib. First off, the guy gets the point. (Well, we hope he gets the point. We've all had situations where-- OH MY GOD, does he even speak English!? What is he missing here!?) We're giving him the chance to move on and find someone who likes him just as much as he likes them, because most people in life deserve that.

Second, we're sparing his feelings. Sure, most men can handle being told that there's no chemistry because it doesn't mean they're a bad person or boring or dumb or ill-mannered. But, of course, some people take it personally, even if it's not at all-- myself most certainly included.

In addition, we're helping ourselves. We're ending things with him (even if they haven't really yet begun) and we're doing what's best for ourselves. Never should we be on "sympathy dates," or out with someone just to not hurt them. If it's not right, end it. Immediately. You're not helping anyone by keeping something worthless going. And if you're going to end it, there's no reason to bruise his ego. Let him think it's about you-- be the bad guy. You're not hurting yourself and you're not hurting him, other than the fact that he won't get the chance to go out with you again.
Important note: If you're deep into a relationship, stupid excuses like those I mentioned won't work. After all, I'd hope by that point you know each others' dating histories and that you wouldn't have committed in the first place if you weren't that into him. But, after a date or two, he doesn't know much about you and you don't know much about him. You don't really owe him anything other than common courtesy, and although lying isn't courteous, it's not kind to tell him that you think he's the most boring person on earth. That's even if he spent the entire date listing his food allergies.

I vote that you spare his feelings and make it seem like your lack of interest in him isn't ABOUT him. No need to hurt him, but there's a reason to let him go and find someone who's really digging him. So fib, make it clear that you're not interesting in dating him further, and move on. Maybe, just maybe, you won't have to with the next guy who pops into you life.