Bitches in Stitches

A Little Housekeeping
So, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been signing my posts anymore. Actually, you probably haven’t realized this, or at least I hope you haven’t noticed this trivial little detail. I haven’t been signing because these posts have all been by me over the past couple of months. Because of a busy work schedule, S was unable to blog for a while. I’m happy to announce that she now can and does post her stories. Check out her blog, Sara For Sale, at www.saraforsale.blogspot.com. You can be sure that we’ll be writing some posts that go back and forth to each others’, mainly because on some things we think so similarly that it’s scary and, on others, you’d think we might as well have been born on different planets.

As for “Bitches in Stitches,” yes, we’re still both bitches and you better believe that we are still very much both in stitches quite a lot of the time! The blog name is too fun and way too accurate to give up. For that reason I’m keeping it even though I'm the only bitch writing. Or maybe because my readers are now the bitches in stitches. Either way, this blog is here to stay and I’ll now be linking you from time to time to bonus posts that S writes.

Now to the Point
Today is the first day that S. and I really decided that we should start linking our writing and, what a more perfect opportunity than the day after she had a little guy drama! Most of you can imagine-- if for no reason other than you do the same thing with your friends-- that S and I talk a lot of the day during work. All that talking sometimes leads to something productive like--oh hey-- this blog!

Apparently there’s some guy that S. has been on a number of dates with. He was supposed to cook her dinner tonight until he found out last minute that he has to take a client out tonight. Boss’s orders. It happens. So he was kind enough to call her in advance, reschedule for Sunday (good luck, S!) and, not only that, he apologized! He explained that he didn’t like that he had to do this, that he felt guilty about it, that he hates when work commitments come up unexpectedly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, S. was a little disappointed that she would’t have the chance to allow him to show off his culinary skills (and perhaps other skills...) tonight. But, was she mad like a lot of girls would be? No.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think a lot of girls (I’d even venture to say “a majority of girls”) would have been peeved, ticked off to the point that they’d be overtly angry. That, or it would be the girl stewing and not this boy’s dinner tonight. One or the other. I mean, it’s ok to be annoyed when we get blown off, right? (With the understanding that sometimes legitimate things do come up, like in this instance, of course!)

If this boy hadn’t rescheduled with her I’d argue that, duh, he’s just not that into her. But he did, so that’s something we don’t even have to consider here. What should be considered, though, is S’s reaction to the situation.

What did she do? She told him it was ok. She told him that really, he could stop apologizing. She understood what happened because, well, life happens.

And then she explained to him the most important part of all: she actually likes that he has commitments in his life that don’t involve her. It’s great that he has business plans and other social plans, she continued. I LIKE THAT HE HAS A LIFE, she remarked when telling me this morning.

This is one of those issues where S. and I are like a match made in heaven-- in terms of friendship, you wishful thinking boys! This is where I agree with her wholeheartedly that, yes, it’s great he has other elements of his life besides just pursuing his girl(s) of interest. He’s not focusing all of his energies on her (although you can bet he’s spending a great deal of time thinking about her!) and he’s allowing himself to continue his life pre-S. And that’s exactly how she wants it.

Of course I’m exaggerating a little. Sure it’s important that he fits her into his life if he wants her to be a part of it, and yes some things have to change in his routine in order to fit in a girl. Likewise, she also has to make an effort to fit HIM in. (Ew I don’t mean it like that! They haven’t had that many dates yet!!!) Every relationship takes some sort of time and effort, no matter if it’s brand new or decades old. But it shouldn’t take all of anyone’s time, or then it’s just what at least I personally would deem unhealthy.

It would honestly be very much peculiar if this boy were to drop everything and clear his calendar in order to spend every waking moment staring into her dreamy eyes and catering to her every need. It would even be weird if he cancelled poker night with his boys or dinner with his family just to spend time with her. She’d be freaked out, and rightly so.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is the importance of each person in a relationship having their own life. Sure, two lives can merge here and there, but really, it’s important to maintain separate activities and friends to some degree. S’s worst fear is basically that some guy will spend too much time doting on her. Maybe that’s not what most girls fear, but really, I think I have to go with her on this one. It’s just creepy if a guy gives up courtside seats to basketball games all the time just to see you. But once and a while, if you don’t tell anyone (shh!) I might admit that it’s kind of a nice compliment.

Which brings me back to my ultimate point: if he spends ALL his time with you always, it just doesn’t feel as special anymore, does it?


XOXO,
R

Used to Being Used

If you’re in the mood to read something light and perky, this probably isn’t the post for you today. Maybe Google “smiling puppies” or “I just got laid,” but don’t keep on reading.

Why? Because I’ve got a bone to pick. Or, let’s put it this way: a lot of my friends want to pick this very same bone, but I’m going to do it on behalf of all of us because, well, no bone really deserves the invasion of that many digging fingernails.

I think I always had this idealized version of social life floating around in my head-- that by the time we graduated high school we would be over our petty gossip stage, that past middle school we would stop backstabbing each other. And, you know what? I thought we’d stop using each other-- especially using the people we consider our friends-- because I thought that by now we’d be mature and socially aware enough to know that people would catch on to our behaviors.

I was wrong. Very wrong. So wrong that I should probably be embarrassed to admit that I thought people would get past this stage.

How could I have thought that people would actually grow up and start treating each other well? Did I really think that people would treat me as I wished to be treated, and that people would consistently have genuine intentions when interacting with me?

As I’m writing I’m realizing that you might have no idea what I’m alluding to. In a quick and simple explanation, here it goes: people use each other. For all things. During good times and bad, during childhood, adulthood and even old age. It’s a sick fact of life, but it’s definitely a true one.

“Friends” have ulterior motives in their interactions all the time. “Uh, hey, could you translate this into French for me? I mean, I know we haven’t spoken in months, but you’re good at French and I’m not...” or “I know I’ve failed to include you in any social activities recently, but like, my car broke down, and I really need a ride to the shop... if you could please help me out this one time...”

A personal favorite was when someone I knew tried to get in touch with an old friend. Why did he want to befriend her again? To use her dad for his business connections, of course. Obviously neither the girl or her father would have caught on. Because no one has ever tried to benefit from her father’s good fortune ever before. No one has ever tried to benefit from a super wealthy man ever ever ever before. Who would think of doing such a thing?!

Or, recently, a girlfriend was complaining about how annoyed she was with a guy friend, J, because he had asked her to do a favor for him past midnight during the middle of the week. She explained that she did out of empathy, that she considered what it would be like to be in his shoes-- locked out of the house with a broken car-- and without anyone to help out.

So, J. had the guts to let her phone ring when she could have easily been sleeping, but did he ever even say thank you? No. He didn’t as much as utter a word of gratitude.

Now, I personally would have been forever indebted to her if she drove me across town in the middle of the night. Apparently, though, the rest of the world doesn’t think that way. It’s OK to only come crawling back to someone when you need them, rather than enjoy their company in both the good and the bad.

The kicker, though-- at least to me-- is that J. really has no idea that my friend knows he used her. He’s probably going on with his daily routine, driving down some Yellow Brick Road in that car that she helped him get fixed. My friend, though, is simmering at work over the fact that she actually considered J. a friend, all the while he made it clear that they’re only friends when it’s convenient for him.

What really gets me, though, is just that-- the people who use us are too socially incompetent to know that we know. (Does that remind anyone else of that Friends episode “Does she know we know she knows!?”) It becomes abundantly clear when someone is just asking me for a teeny favor because they need my help and not because they’d ever reciprocate.

Don’t invite me to your bridal shower (and not the wedding!) just for the gift, and don’t ask me to cover your shift at work just so you can hang out with that cute boy you just met. Just don’t. And, if you do, try to make it a little less obvious, k?

Before you ask me-- or anyone with any social awareness at all-- to edit your cover letter because I’m such a good writer (enough with the flattery, it doesn’t work) or to help you move when you have no intention of helping me (we all know I’m not a big, strong girl) realize this: we’re on to you. We know what you’re doing.

Maybe you’ll get away with it on occasion, but deep down, we’re aware of your intentions. Some people will fall for your stunts, and, hey, I applaud you for being that sly that you can get away with such actions. But anyone with an ounce of self dignity and awareness won’t. The beauty in the situation is that the more you do it, the more likely the naive souls you’re taking advantage of will realize what you’re doing. And that, my friends, allows me to end this post with some optimism and, yes, a real smile-- the goofy kind, like of the class clown who just caused the class to burst into laughter. Because, hey, wouldn’t it really be funny if all the people being used caught on and stopped allowing themselves to be used?