You Searched for WHAT and Ended Up on MY BLOG?!

I’m not at all internet savvy, but one thing I do know is how to use the website that tracks who views this very blog. Don’t get freaked out—I can’t tell who you are. Identifying readers would require me tracking down your IP address and, let’s be honest, I have no idea how I would even start to do that besides just asking my brother to complete the process after giving him the number. (Is an IP address even a number? A code?) My capabilities boil down to this: I can tell how many people viewed my page, the time and date of their visit, what city they were in when they visited (or where their server is) and if they’re on a Mac of a PC. (I’d hope though that most of my readers are smart enough to be using a Mac.)

Anyway, there’s one other thing I can tell: how people got to my page in the first place. All I have to do is click on a link I find on my tracking site called “referrals.” Clicking this link brings me to a list of web pages that my last 50 or so visitors clicked on, via which they arrived at Bitches in Stitches.

To clarify let me give you an example. (NO, I don’t think you’re all idiots. I just know I can’t properly explain anything technological.) Say you see that I posted a link to my post on Facebook, as you might very well have a minute ago. You click my link and, TA-DAH, Facebook pops up as the page that referred you to my blog. Here’s where it gets interesting: when people find the page through a Google search, I’m also privy to their search terms that led them here. In honor of a dreadfully painful and slow Wednesday, I’m going to share with you some of my favorites. Boy, are they good.

In no particular order:

1. “Guy stop texting after 1^st date and why.”

Just a thought: Maybe he didn’t like you. Perhaps if you had to Google that you’re also otherwise so socially unaware that you don’t know how to dress for or behave on a date?

2. “Boy end girl sexy”

What does this even mean? Maybe you meant to write an “a” in front of “nd” instead of writing “end” but you sure as hell could have fooled me. Somehow, Google managed to guide you to the post I wrote about a boyfriend thinking another girl is attractive.

3. “Texting have a good trip”

Acid trip? Vacation to the moon? Relax. Maybe he literally just meant that he hopes you have a good trip. Or she hopes that. I have no way of even knowing who wrote that search query. But really, sometimes people genuinely mean what they say.

4. “Seeing someone and being in a relationship”

This search makes sense: most of us really don’t know what the difference is between “seeing someone” and “being in a relationship,” besides the fact that being in a relationship sounds more official and is more likely to piss-off an ex. (I’m not advocating that, just stating the truth!) Besides, I wrote a blog post with almost that exact title, so that makes sense that someone would wind up on my page.

5. “I need to find a goddamn boyfriend”

All I can say is that you better get off Google and either into the real world or onto an online dating site. Searching for Mr. Perfect on an online search engine doesn’t really do the trick. Sorry, but someone had to break the news.

6. “How to make a boy not be able to stop thinking about me”

Do you mean positive or negative thoughts? If it’s the negative that you’re referring to, I could certainly offer some suggestions. You could start off being a girl who trusts Google algorithms for dating advice.

7. “Bitches on dating sites”

I’m not sure if a person here was looking for true bitches (i.e. mean girls) on dating sites or for a girl who could be their “bitch.” But, regardless, really? I mean, really?! Either way, the searcher here isn’t up to any good.

8. “Craigslist whores”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this search makes it seem like the person is the next Peter Markoff. Or they’re really just that desperate for a cheap lay. Again, another situation where the search really just couldn’t lead you to anything good. Well, besides my blog, of course!

That’s all for today. Here’s to hoping that I made you smile, even the teeniest bit, and brightened up your Wednesday!

Singles Awareness Day

One of the worst days of the year has arrived. Along with my birthday, it's one of the days that I dread the most. It's one where, once it starts, I can't wait for it to end. It's Singles Awareness Day and it sure as hell aint pleasant-- even for those lucky enough to be attached.

Today's a day that, no matter how happy we are in our lives, always reminds us of our less than happy February 14ths of years past. Maybe it was last year that we were alone on the couch, shoving our faces with chocolate. Or perhaps we think back to that time five years ago, when we were newly single and spending the holiday vegging in bed, instead of out for a romantic dinner with the one who supposedly loved us. No matter what, I think it's likely that some of us have had a less than ideal Valentine's Day at some point or another. Since whenever we're miserable or even just unhappy it seems like the rest of the world is joyfully in love, we sometimes remember those bad days instead of focusing on what we have now.

Let me get something straight: there's nothing wrong with being single. In fact, if you're single you can potentially make Valentine's Day a really special, enjoyable holiday. (For anyone interested, I hear there's an anti-Valentine's Day party going on at my house tonight, complete with cupcakes...) If you've ever read my postings before, you know that I'm actually a big advocate for living the single life and enjoying all that it has to offer. In fact, there are many perks to being unattached that seem to slip away once we're committed. But, on a day like today, it often feels like everyone who is in a relationship is flaunting it in all our faces. Maybe it's that girl who got the box of chocolates delivered to her desk at work, or the guy who professes his love to his lady friend via a Facebook status. (Not acceptable, by the way. It's tacky beyond belief.) But, moreso today than on every other day, people throw their apparent happiness in our way. It often makes it seem like they're trying to trump our own happiness, as if theirs is better or more valuable than ours.

I think that part of me hates this holiday because it's fake. Fake because it's a Hallmark holiday (does anyone even really celebrate the saint who it's supposed to be about anyway?) and fake because people are over the top in their emotions and in their declarations of love. Am I wrong to think that we shouldn't NEED a holiday that encourages us to let others know how we feel about them? It's my own personal opinion that we should be making this sentiment clear each and every day of the year, not just on the 14th day of February. And, well, if you're only for some reason able to express this emotion on that day, then you better re-evaluate the situation you're in and recognize that you've got a problem.

Now, if you are attached, it really can be a nice thing to take a night to go out for a nice dinner or to just be in each others' company. I guess that the holiday gives us some incentive to be proactive and do just that; however, shouldn't we use this as a reminder that we should be doing that all the time if we're with someone we really care about?

On the flip side, maybe we should milk this day for all it's worth and extend it to ALL of the people we love and care about. I'm not just talking about all the people we're sleeping with (kidding) but to all of our friends and family members who mean so much to us. We should remember that even if this year we're happily committed to someone else, plenty of our friends and neighbors aren't this time. To all the happy people out there, I hate to say it but next year it might be YOU that's alone. So take a second and send some love, either via the phone, a visit, a card or a dancing and singing stuffed mouse, to someone who might be feeling down in the dumps today. Even if you're so fortunate as to be able to share the day with a romantic partner of some sort, taking the time to reach out to someone who doesn't have that luxury today might make your day the happiest.