I'm Religious so it's OK to Break the Rules

Underwear that says "shomer negiah," literally meaning "observant of the laws of touching," in Hebrew.

When I was moving to a new city a couple of years ago, someone from home introduced me over email to a friend of his, who we’ll call Ari. Ari was also new to the city, and although he was working long hours, he was in search of someone with whom he could occasionally enjoy dinner and a movie. On a rainy Sunday afternoon, we were slated to meet up for coffee.

I remember calling my observant Jewish friend ahead of our meeting; I knew Ari was pretty religious, but I just didn’t know how much so. Some religious Jews (just like observant members of religions) won’t engage in sexual relations before marriage. Some, of course, will, but others take it to the opposite extreme: they won’t even touch members of the opposite sex before they’re married, excluding family members. That’s right: no touching. Not a hug, not a kiss on the cheek, not even a handshake or a shoulder tap. How was I supposed to greet him since I didn't know his beliefs, I wondered? What if I were to try to shake his hand, only to have him retreat in disgust?

We showed up at the café and exchanged some sort of a verbal greeting. OK, I thought, he must be shomer negiah, or a Jewish person who won’t touch a member of the opposite sex before marriage. I actually didn’t even flinch-- he kept the entire interaction, including the initial meeting, completely comfortable. He even had me laughing and engaged in conversation. Here we were, hitting it off. I had been thinking I’d have nothing in common with this person and would ruin it with an inappropriate physical interaction that he’d be offended by!

As we finished our drinks we headed outside, only to be caught in a torrential downpour. Since my apartment was only a block away and he had to attend a fancy dinner in an hour, I offered to let him come upstairs and borrow a towel to dry off. In the elevator he poked me playfully. That was hint #1 that maybe, just maybe, he would be willing to touch girls and that—dare I say it-- he’d be someone I could see myself actually dating.

A couple of days later, Ari called me around 10:00pm. He had gotten out of his investment-banking job early for the night. He wanted to come up to “say hi” and I of course agreed.

I’m not going to go into details about what happened here, but let’s just say that as soon as I closed my door he felt it would be acceptable to aggressively kiss me. Lesson learned? He’s not shomer negiah. Hard puzzle to piece together, I know.

He didn’t want the interaction to end with the spit swapping, though. He kept insisting that he wouldn’t normally do more than kiss, but since I’m “such a cute girl” he just couldn’t help himself. Really, he used to kiss girls sometimes, but, well, actually he once used to sleep with girls, but he had since stopped because of his religion. I was just SO CUTE though that he couldn’t control himself and was willing to bend his religious rules.

Now, I’m a pretty naïve girl sometimes, especially exemplified by the fact that I even allowed him to come over at that hour. But, believe it or not, this time I caught on. I caught on and I called bullshit.

“I don’t care if you keep kosher [follow Jewish dietary laws] or pray every day, the fact that you’re lying to me makes you not a good person,” I said to him as I started to escort him out the door.

“Being a good person is all relative, R.,” he sung back with a slimy grin as I stood at the door waiting for him to put on his shoes.

I think he made a valid point, even though under the circumstances it proved irrelevant. Anyone trying to make inappropriate advances on a girl is, in my book, not a good person. Or, at the very least, they’re not using good and thoughtful judgment.

I’ve observed this tactic of some boys over and over: they use their apparent religious preferences to win over girls. Clearly if they’re religious they’re honest, focused and ethical men. Then, when they really want to get some action (because what real man doesn’t?) it’s suddenly OK for them to break the rules-- the very same rules that they think attracted the girl to them in the first place.

I used to know a couple who actually would openly advertise to the world that they were both shomer negiah. They’d refuse to hug their friends who were members of the opposite sex or even extend a helping hand unless it were a dire emergency. Yet, as soon as the two started dating, they’d spend weekends sleeping in the same room. They’d even go as far as to blow up an air mattress to make it appear that they weren’t sharing a bed, when everyone (including, yes, their almighty God) knew what was really going on.

In these types of situations, I have to ask: what kind of a façade are you putting up? It’s one thing if you’re legitimately religious and really follow all of the rules because they truly align with your beliefs. When you’re putting on an act, you’re only lying to yourself. As I've said in past posts, liars always get caught. Even if it’s not until hell’s infernos, they get caught.

For more on the concept of "shomer negiah," in the form of a fun blog, please visit http://www.yourtango.com//201075616/no-touching-allowed.

What Goes Around Comes Around-- Really.

Back in the day, when I was a little college baby (man, I’m dating myself already!) I interned in the newsroom of a major business news magazine in Manhattan. It was beyond an amazing experience, maybe not the work itself but the whole living in the city as a 21 year old, staying out way too late, having a little too much fun and definitely spending a little more money than I should have been.
Years later (I won’t tell you how many though) I’m still using what I learned from my entire experience that summer. For example, I can still look back on the nights that I didn’t come home until the sun came up. Bad idea. Fun at the time, but really, bad idea. Going on dates with boring accountants? Also might seem like a good idea at the time, but when you’re sitting at the table in a Thai restaurant and your date can only discuss the best times to file your income taxes, you soon learn that accepting the date was also a bad idea.

But, of course, we also learn good ideas while misbehaving-- err, uh, having a good time-- during a more wild part of our lives. Who would have thought that it’s always wise to keep a little toilet paper in your purse when heading out to the bars? We really have no way of knowing when that place that offers $5 free refil Bud Lites will run out!

And that you should always be aware of your surroundings. You never know when you’ll overhear a fashion designer talking to a religious Jewish man in a 24-hour deli at 2:30am. They might both then ask your opinion on fabrics to pair for fashionable yalmukes, or Jewish head coverings. You also never know when a NYU law student will approach you while you’re eating hot dogs in the middle of the night in Union Square, offer to read your tarrot cards and, believe it or not, be correct in saying that you’re going to have a fabulous sexcapade in the fall. Not kidding here, by the way. Both really happened.

What I also learned was that it’s more useful than I realized to stay in contact with all of the people you meet on these interesting journeys. I certainly don’t have the name of the law student, and I definitely don’t know if the men in the diner ever successfully developed a JCrew-esque designer yalmukah line. I probably should have kept his card though-- who knows how famous he might be now!

I wouldn’t have realized but the people I met that summer have helped me in ways greater than they would have imagined since then. The intern coordinator at the magazine? Unbelievably kind and helpful whenever I email her with a writing question. My friends that I met at work? A couple are still close to me and help me get through each and every day at work-- thanks, Gchat!

But, what I’m realizing now is that these relationships really are reciprocal. I’m trying to not laugh out loud at my desk right now, but it’s hard not to. Here’s why:

I recently learned that a reporter from the magazine was in search of stories from real people who had quit their job in a funny way. I wasn’t sure that what I did to my awful boss was funny per se, but it was definitely a bit dramatic and perhaps just what this kid was looking for. (I wrote about my bad boss on this blog back on May 19th.)

Essentially I had been abused for months upon months but, like so many Americans, I couldn’t quit my job because I needed the health insurance and the money. But, when I finally had another job lined up, I happened to know that Mr. Asshole was on the side of the road somewhere waiting to get his car towed. I recognized that it was the perfect opportunity to finally stand up for myself, explain how I had been mistreated and quit my job. Ultimately, of course, this made his life more difficult-- he had to interview people and hire and train someone new. Poor baby. Real work can be exhausting!

Anyway, this supposedly is just the type of story that this writer was looking for. I don’t know that I would have qualified this story as “funny” but it’s certainly a good example of how, as I said in the last post, karma is a bitch. It also shows that it’s important to maintain our connections with other people, not just so we can help ourselves but so we can help others. In this case, I think I can aruge that I helped both the reporter and myself: he got his story, I got the satisfaction of saying my piece. Now I’m not out to hurt anyone or damage anyone’s reputation, but ahh, revenge is sweet, isn’t it?

Here’s a New One: American Royalty Marries a Jew

When a friend suggested that I blog about Chelsea Clinton’s wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, I definitely considered it but wasn’t really sure what angle to take. Everyone and their mom had been speculating about this wedding and its celebration for weeks, yet all we seemed to know for sure was that the guests would be using rented porcelain porta-potties. And now, even though it’s after the fact, we don’t know a ton more about the event, although we do know that the food options included vegan and vegetarian and gluten-free choices-- the most thrilling and important details, of course.

So I got it into my head that I’d write about the wedding. As did everyone else who writes anything about current events, celebrity gossip or anything relating to the two. But what, really, could I comment on that would be unique and not yet over-written?

Discuss how Chelsea married a Jewish man, of course, this friend suggested. Not only that, but also how so many “famous” gentile women in America have chosen to marry Jewish in recent times.

Granted, this friend is a much better follower of Perez Hilton (www.perezhilton.com) and is much more up to date with her celebrity juice than I am, but I realized she was right. This has become a more common occurrence recently-- or at least a more media covered trend. She also referenced Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner as another prime and relevant example.

This idea was still brewing in my head as I stumbled across a New York Times article this morning: Interfaith Marriages Stir Mixed Feelings by Joseph Berger. (See http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/04/us/04interfaith.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=clinton&st=cse). First off, let it be known that this author references the same trend, especially by noting that Caroline Kennedy married Edwin A. Schlossberg, a Jew internationally recognized for design, writing and art. The point here? My friend clearly recognized a rage before the NY Times was able to write about it. Good work, RM!

What’s interesting about this article, though, is how it illustrates the important role of religion in this ex-Presidential daughter’s big day. Sure, many interfaith weddings incorporate traditions from both of the spouse’s faiths, but in this wedding the Jewish aspects were especially apparent. Not only were the two married under a chuppah, or marriage cannopy, but they also signed a Jewish marriage licsense, called a ketubah. In addition, the groom wore a Jewish prayer shawl, which, as the author noted, “even many Jewish grooms marrying Jewish brides do not wear.”

Why is all this important? Who’s going to care in a couple of years what Chelsea Clinton’s husband wore to their wedding? Don’t get me wrong, but I think if you were to ask Joan Rivers or anyone on the E! channel, it’s most important that Chelsea wore an elegant Vera Wang gown? I didn’t think that people usually commented on the groom’s attire because, let’s be honest, it’s not usually that unique or important. Unless he’s sporting his dog’s leash with his dog attached as he walks down the aisle. Then it’d be worth commenting on. And, believe me, it’s been done before.

What this article really proves, though, is that it’s become more acceptable on a societal level for both non-Jews (like Chelsea) to marry Jews, and, on the contrary, for Jews to marry outside of their faith. We see here that it has become more or less acceptable for Chelsea, a girl who is basically as close to American royalty as they come, to-- dare I say it-- marry a Jewish man. Perhaps years ago important political figures wouldn’t have wanted their daughter marrying someone whose grandmother probably stuffs everyone silly at the table with matzoh balls and kugel. However, it seems that our society has now transcended some boundaries somewhere along the way to make this happen.

Of course plenty of people (even many reading this) still find themselves opposed to this move on the part of Chelsea. Not only that, but countless people disapprove of a “nice Jewish boy” marrying a practicing Methodist.

But really, it’s interesting to take a step back and look at this situation critically from a distance. We’ve made huge steps in terms of acceptance and equality in this country. And, before you know it, maybe the White House will be serving corned beef sandwiches and kosher dill pickles for lunch. Really, you never know! After all, Michelle Obama’s cousin is Jewish, too... but that’s a whole other story.

For now, though, let’s recognize that this event in some ways marked a momentous occasion not only for the Clintons but for people of various non-Christian religions in America. Oh, yea, and that Chelsea’s wedding cost more than most of us make in the first decade of our working careers. But who’s keeping track, anyway?