The Screening Process

"Before I even kiss a boy, I ask him for his health history," a college acquaintance once explained to me.

And that's why you've never been so fortunate as to kiss a boy, I thought to myself, aware of the semi-evil judgement I had made.

It's unreasonable to expect any person of romantic interest (who you're about to kiss) to tell you when the last time he had the flu was, never mind let you know if he ever had pinkeye or strep throat as a child. While it might be acceptable to verify that you're both clean and STD-free before engaging in any intimate acts, it's really not possible (or even acceptable) to try to find out everything about that person before you cause sparks to fly under your bedsheets.

You can, however, screen people to some extent before you go on a first date. In fact, I highly recommend that you more or less follow a simple protocol before even agreeing to spend an hour having coffee. That's not to say that you should analyze their every word, try to find out too much or ruin any potential of mystery and excitement. But before you go and waste that precious hour of your time, there are some precautions you can take to make it more likely that you'll enjoy the person you're out with.

Now, keep in mind that I'm not currently dating or even as much as perusing online dating or matchmaking websites. Fortunately for me, a girl who still finds herself fascinated with this kind of thing, I have plenty of friends hopping from date to date, from restaurant to restaurant with different "suiters," if you will. By no means am I an expert, but back when I was dating online, I did learn a lot about what works and what doesn't in terms of finding a good date. It's all about trial and error. Fortunately, I've made the errors for you and was able to come up with this list of what you should and shouldn't do before meeting someone.

Here's what I learned about the pre-date lead-up:

1. Read your potential date's profile, and read it well. Thoroughly. All of it. Don't skip lines. If you do, you might just happen to miss that one deal breaker right away (like he doesn't want kids or he hates sushi) and have to spend two hours showering, washing your hair, drying it, straightening it, picking out clothes and putting on makeup, only to arrive at your local Starbucks and hear what he had clearly written out for you earlier. Take the time to read what he said, hope he's being honest and, if you still like him, continue on with the process.

2. How does he approach you for the first time? If it's an instant message, does he write you something sleazy like "HEY SEXY, I HOPE I CAN BE YOUR PRINCE" right off the bat? Or, does he take the time to write you something personalized and meaningful? Perhaps he asks you questions about YOU, or maybe he comments on something specific that he read in your profile. Either way, you can tell a lot about his approach to dating from your very first online conversation, whether via email or instant message or whatever it is. Anything too generic, at all offensive or too much about him equals bad news bears.

3. Make sure you've exchanged more than one email back and forth before accepting a date invitation. If it's only been one or two and a guy asks you out, how does he really know he wants to spend any time with you? Is he shallow and basing his assessment off of your looks? (God help him and let's hope that your photo is the real you!) Or is he just that eager to get a date with anyone he can so he immediately asks out whatever girl will talk to him? Perhaps he's just looking to get someone to go out with him so he can lull her in for an easy hookup after buying her a nice dinner. Who knows. But really, get a better sense of who he is via email before you jump into anything. Oh, and seeing how he writes doesn't hurt either. Not to say that you should judge someone on their spelling and grammar. I understand that not everyone in this world is fortunate enough to be well educated or even skilled in these areas. But, really, if you can't deal with it now, do you really actually think you'll grow to be able to deal with it in six months?

4. Always always ALWAYS talk on the phone with the person who you might be going out with before you agree to actually do so. I'm not talking about talking on the phone to firm up your plans; rather, I mean get a feel for them as a person, for their voice, for their way of speaking (and the way that they speak TO you) before you come up with any ideas for a date. We've all been there: we go to meet up with someone we thinks will be great, only to encounter them and learn that they have an exceptionally abrasive or just annoying voice that we just can't live with.

It's important to understand that this is not, by any means, a sure-fire plan to go on a successful date. There's so much more to find out when you actually meet the person-- a feeling that you'll get that can't be described in words. But, if you're careful and at least make some sort of attempt to weed out the countless men interested in you (YES, there are a lot. You just might not realize it.) then you'll find yourself out with a deadbeat who can't hold a conversation or speak his own language properly. Try to get the best sense of him that you can before meeting him in person.

And, as always, have a backup plan before the date. I hear your bestie tends to need you every time her dog comes down with a stomach issue...

I'm Religious so it's OK to Break the Rules

Underwear that says "shomer negiah," literally meaning "observant of the laws of touching," in Hebrew.

When I was moving to a new city a couple of years ago, someone from home introduced me over email to a friend of his, who we’ll call Ari. Ari was also new to the city, and although he was working long hours, he was in search of someone with whom he could occasionally enjoy dinner and a movie. On a rainy Sunday afternoon, we were slated to meet up for coffee.

I remember calling my observant Jewish friend ahead of our meeting; I knew Ari was pretty religious, but I just didn’t know how much so. Some religious Jews (just like observant members of religions) won’t engage in sexual relations before marriage. Some, of course, will, but others take it to the opposite extreme: they won’t even touch members of the opposite sex before they’re married, excluding family members. That’s right: no touching. Not a hug, not a kiss on the cheek, not even a handshake or a shoulder tap. How was I supposed to greet him since I didn't know his beliefs, I wondered? What if I were to try to shake his hand, only to have him retreat in disgust?

We showed up at the café and exchanged some sort of a verbal greeting. OK, I thought, he must be shomer negiah, or a Jewish person who won’t touch a member of the opposite sex before marriage. I actually didn’t even flinch-- he kept the entire interaction, including the initial meeting, completely comfortable. He even had me laughing and engaged in conversation. Here we were, hitting it off. I had been thinking I’d have nothing in common with this person and would ruin it with an inappropriate physical interaction that he’d be offended by!

As we finished our drinks we headed outside, only to be caught in a torrential downpour. Since my apartment was only a block away and he had to attend a fancy dinner in an hour, I offered to let him come upstairs and borrow a towel to dry off. In the elevator he poked me playfully. That was hint #1 that maybe, just maybe, he would be willing to touch girls and that—dare I say it-- he’d be someone I could see myself actually dating.

A couple of days later, Ari called me around 10:00pm. He had gotten out of his investment-banking job early for the night. He wanted to come up to “say hi” and I of course agreed.

I’m not going to go into details about what happened here, but let’s just say that as soon as I closed my door he felt it would be acceptable to aggressively kiss me. Lesson learned? He’s not shomer negiah. Hard puzzle to piece together, I know.

He didn’t want the interaction to end with the spit swapping, though. He kept insisting that he wouldn’t normally do more than kiss, but since I’m “such a cute girl” he just couldn’t help himself. Really, he used to kiss girls sometimes, but, well, actually he once used to sleep with girls, but he had since stopped because of his religion. I was just SO CUTE though that he couldn’t control himself and was willing to bend his religious rules.

Now, I’m a pretty naïve girl sometimes, especially exemplified by the fact that I even allowed him to come over at that hour. But, believe it or not, this time I caught on. I caught on and I called bullshit.

“I don’t care if you keep kosher [follow Jewish dietary laws] or pray every day, the fact that you’re lying to me makes you not a good person,” I said to him as I started to escort him out the door.

“Being a good person is all relative, R.,” he sung back with a slimy grin as I stood at the door waiting for him to put on his shoes.

I think he made a valid point, even though under the circumstances it proved irrelevant. Anyone trying to make inappropriate advances on a girl is, in my book, not a good person. Or, at the very least, they’re not using good and thoughtful judgment.

I’ve observed this tactic of some boys over and over: they use their apparent religious preferences to win over girls. Clearly if they’re religious they’re honest, focused and ethical men. Then, when they really want to get some action (because what real man doesn’t?) it’s suddenly OK for them to break the rules-- the very same rules that they think attracted the girl to them in the first place.

I used to know a couple who actually would openly advertise to the world that they were both shomer negiah. They’d refuse to hug their friends who were members of the opposite sex or even extend a helping hand unless it were a dire emergency. Yet, as soon as the two started dating, they’d spend weekends sleeping in the same room. They’d even go as far as to blow up an air mattress to make it appear that they weren’t sharing a bed, when everyone (including, yes, their almighty God) knew what was really going on.

In these types of situations, I have to ask: what kind of a façade are you putting up? It’s one thing if you’re legitimately religious and really follow all of the rules because they truly align with your beliefs. When you’re putting on an act, you’re only lying to yourself. As I've said in past posts, liars always get caught. Even if it’s not until hell’s infernos, they get caught.

For more on the concept of "shomer negiah," in the form of a fun blog, please visit http://www.yourtango.com//201075616/no-touching-allowed.

Clinton's Wife was the First Lady and Gore's is called Tipper, Right?

As a kid I spent a few summers on a local college campus attending day camp. College universities obviously don't completely shutdown for the season even though there often seems to be a shortage of kegs, sleazy frat boys and scantily-clad females. So there would often be an important visitor or two around to give a lecture or take a tour.

One day a rumor spread like wildfire: the Tipper was here! The Tipper was here! Clearly she was really important as she was the Vice-President's WIFE. It was only after an entire day of hearing this that I learned that she wasn't in fact THE Tipper, but rather Tipper was her first name. I was foolishly led to believe that our country had a President, a First Lady, a Vice President and a Tipper.

I'm told there was a huge uproar over "The Great Gore Kiss" involving that very same woman in 2000 at the Democratic National Convention. (See http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/video/al-gore-and-tipper-gore-kiss-at-the-dnc-10797435). I'm somewhat surprised that a political figure of such importance could get away wish such an expression of love on national television. I read an article somewhere in which the reporter labeled it a "Can't wait to see you later in the bedroom, baby" kiss. To me the gesture seems over-the-top, even though it's many years later. But really, to me personally it doesn't matter at all. I hadn't thought about that women since I was running from outdoor swim to the kickball field in one sock and two Tevas.

Flash forward from around that era to 2010. I clearly hadn't thought about this lady in years, but somehow she's once again in the spotlight, even though her husband is no longer in office. Or, shall I say, soon-to-be ex-husband. Now the passion has gone from revolving around her nauseatingly overt/hopelessly romantic (depending on how you look at it) on-stage PDA to how could the epitome of a perfect couple go down the tubes?

Is it sad that this couple broke up even when Hillary and Bill have managed to stay together after he "didn't have sexual relations with that woman"? Yes, for sure. It's also disappointing that their marriage won't boast a fairytale ending, even if they began it on that track by meeting at their prom. We wonder whether that kiss that so many Americans witnessed was falsified or exaggerated. On the flip side, perhaps everything really was that fabulous between the duo and the relationship only crumbled afterwards.

Well ladies and gentleman, it's a sad fact, but a true one: you never really know what's going on in someone's relationship unless you're one of the two members. Or maybe more than two members. I'm thankfully not in your bedroom to know.

A lot of times couples put up the facade that all is fine and dandy-- obviously the husband takes out the trash without asking and he even picks up his socks without his wife having to incessantly nag him. The husband, of course, never gets frustrated because the wife never takes an hour to straighten her hair, another half hour to put on her face and forty-five more minutes selecting an outfit. Everything is glorious, unless you're exposed to the true inner workings of the couple, watching them maintain their home and coordinate their mutual social calendar.

So what am I getting at here? First, I think this situation has made me recognize that it's important to never be jealous of any couple or family because they appear flawless and content. Like there are talented athletes and writers in this world, we all know that there exist exceptionally convincing actors. Just because a couple gives off the impression that they never argue over who let the seat up, it doesn't mean that they have a sizzling sex life or laid-back living situation. For all you know, they could sleep in separate beds because one of them...snores. Right.

It's also important to remember that it's not overly beneficial to any couple for outsiders to scrutinize their relationship. It doesn't help us to consider marriages gone wrong when they don't involve us, mainly because, as I said before, we really don't know what was really going on behind closed doors. So instead of considering this situation from a depressing angle like so much of the media has, I'm not going to consider it at all. I, for one, positively don't know anything about their relationship-- I couldn't even get her name right.


XOXO,
RC