Lying to Dates

I think it's pretty clear that I usually don't condone lying. After all, I was the one who spent an entire post ranting about my ex-friend who I not-so-nicely called out for having fabricated a life of lies. I mean, why wouldn't I believe that she was commuting to Manhattan for a glamorous internship at The Food Network when her mommy wouldn't really let her drive to the bagel store in our town alone? And, what's more, of course she had an extremely devoted boyfriend who she'd travel extensively with-- even though she wasn't allowed out of her house in suburban Connecticut past dark and happened to be spending her nights navigating from one Jdate profile to another. All adds up. Sure.

Anyway, I just realized an instance where I wholeheartedly believe that it's ok to take this really disgusting practice of lying and put it to good use. Mind you, I'm not talking about all-out lies; rather, I'm hinting at the fact that it's OK to sometimes craft a white lie here or there in order to spare someone's feelings. Really, it's only OK when there's no risk of the situation escalating for the worst or for any involved parties to find out. And it has to be helping someone or sparing their feelings, not for any other purpose.

I realize I'm speaking pretty abstractly so I'll go ahead pinpoint the instance that I have in mind where it's alright to fib a little. This whole train of thought started earlier today when I was talking to my friend who's currently out and about on the dating scene in New York, M. M was briefing me on her dates of the past weekend and noted that she had gone out with someone rather dull. He was a nice guy, but someone she had no interest in pursuing due to a lack of chemistry or, OK, fine-- just his inability to generate interesting conversation. The day after the date (where he took her for cupcakes but not coffee or tea because he's opposed to caffeine but somehow not sweets) he texted her saying how he had a great time and was pretty sure she felt the same.

Lesson for men: don't ever assume that your date felt the same way as you did. Just don't. Women can be deceivingly great actresses, so try to avoid putting words into their mouths.

Lesson for women: you have two ways of handling this situation where you clearly aren't interested in laying eyes on him but where he wants to lay a hell of a lot more on you. You can be direct and say something to the effect of "I think you're a really great guy, but I just didn't feel any chemistry." Conversely, you can lie. And by lie, I mean just concoct some sort of BRIEF yet fictional line that explains why you have no interest in pursuing him further. If you choose the second option, the most common excuse (see, not lie, but EXCUSE!) is that you're just getting over a relationship or painful breakup and you're not really so keen on dating yet.

In this instance, I actually think it's beneficial for both parties when the girl just tells a simple fib. First off, the guy gets the point. (Well, we hope he gets the point. We've all had situations where-- OH MY GOD, does he even speak English!? What is he missing here!?) We're giving him the chance to move on and find someone who likes him just as much as he likes them, because most people in life deserve that.

Second, we're sparing his feelings. Sure, most men can handle being told that there's no chemistry because it doesn't mean they're a bad person or boring or dumb or ill-mannered. But, of course, some people take it personally, even if it's not at all-- myself most certainly included.

In addition, we're helping ourselves. We're ending things with him (even if they haven't really yet begun) and we're doing what's best for ourselves. Never should we be on "sympathy dates," or out with someone just to not hurt them. If it's not right, end it. Immediately. You're not helping anyone by keeping something worthless going. And if you're going to end it, there's no reason to bruise his ego. Let him think it's about you-- be the bad guy. You're not hurting yourself and you're not hurting him, other than the fact that he won't get the chance to go out with you again.
Important note: If you're deep into a relationship, stupid excuses like those I mentioned won't work. After all, I'd hope by that point you know each others' dating histories and that you wouldn't have committed in the first place if you weren't that into him. But, after a date or two, he doesn't know much about you and you don't know much about him. You don't really owe him anything other than common courtesy, and although lying isn't courteous, it's not kind to tell him that you think he's the most boring person on earth. That's even if he spent the entire date listing his food allergies.

I vote that you spare his feelings and make it seem like your lack of interest in him isn't ABOUT him. No need to hurt him, but there's a reason to let him go and find someone who's really digging him. So fib, make it clear that you're not interesting in dating him further, and move on. Maybe, just maybe, you won't have to with the next guy who pops into you life.

The Disappearing Act

It happens all the time. Girl goes out with boy. Boy and girl both have fun. It seems like they share a “special” connection. Both go home smiling. Maybe they share another night out. Maybe not. Boy never calls girl again. Girl wonders what happened. Boy never tells girl. Girl never finds out answer. Story ends.

It's all too common yet I hear this recurring tale from girls' perspectives all the time. "We had everything minus our mothers in common!" they exclaim. "It went perfectly and I was never so comfortable in my life on a first date!" others tell. What they all wonder, no matter how they're phrasing it and regardless of how they proceed with their lives, is WHY. Why didn't he call? Why didn't we ever see each other again? Did I misjudge the situation? Am I really actually not so accurate when it comes to reading people and did he not actually have fun?

Well, ladies, it's a harsh reality out there: sometimes, you just won't know. You'll never know. Ever. Maybe it sucks, maybe it frustrates you, maybe you want to know what went wrong so that you can finally sleep again or know that it wasn't entirely your fault. But you can't. Sometimes there's no way of knowing. And that's just life.

I've been in this situation many times myself. Sometimes I've found out the honest answer, like when a close guy friend who I seemed to gel with perfectly told me flat out that he's "just not attracted" to me. At the time I was offended; in retrospect, not so much. It was honest. Blunt, hurtful (although out of my control) but honest. Had we not been such close friends as well, I think in that instance that statement would have explained why, even though we connected well, we didn't end up dating.

Likewise, I've also dealt with the Houdinis of dates-- the guys who pull the mysterious disappearing act for reasons that I've never know, only to magically pop back into my life weeks or months later. Maybe they've reappeared with the intentions of scoring more dates with me, or maybe they've just wanted a booty-call. I usually imagine that they've tried out some other girls (perhaps unsuccessfully) and are trying to revert back to me, their second, seemingly safer option. But, let's face it, I no longer want to see you again, no matter how much I felt like we connected in the past. You've already proven to me that you're not reliable or, really, all that serious in pursuing me.

A strong emotional spark means a lot and there's no arguing that, but it sure aint everything. Dependability, on the other hand, represents a greater part of the equation than we usually imagine. So you've got some amazing things in common, but does it ever really matter if he doesn't call when he says he will or never initiates plans with you?

Yes, we can sometimes learn from our mistakes but, quite honestly, when a guy just fades away, there isn't always something to gain from knowing why. I'm a believer in constructive criticism, even when it hurts, but sometimes, like in many of these situations, there's nothing really constructive to say. Maybe he's just not interested or perhaps he just has bullshit commitment issues and is scared to actually get into a serious relationship.

Knowing about any of his personal mischegas (the Yiddish word for BS) won't help YOU. You might even find yourself wondering if you can convince him otherwise or help him in some way. But don't. Just don't. Take it for what it is: it wasn't meant to be. If he wanted to date you he'd make it a point to call you and make plans and treat you well and impress your friends and family. Maybe in the future he will be ready, and he might come crawling back. It's then up for you to decide if you want to get involved or not. That's when you have to weigh the evidence and go with your gut.

It's comforting when we have answers. It really is. Especially when we know things happened because they were out of our control (even as frustrating as that can be) because we know that we didn't do anything wrong to precipitation the situation. The fact of life is that we don't always have answers. Just like we don't know how the world came to be or why Bill Clinton ever thought it would be a good idea to bang Monica Lewinsky (couldn't he have done better?!), we don't always stop dating someone with full knowledge as to why things went down the way they did. (Not him on you, sickos! And, if that is what I'm referring to, maybe your answer is that you just didn't smell that clean. If so, take care of that now, missy.)

Speculating isn't worth our time. Making an effort to find someone reliable and respectful is. And it's important to remember that.

Bitches in Stitches

A Little Housekeeping
So, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been signing my posts anymore. Actually, you probably haven’t realized this, or at least I hope you haven’t noticed this trivial little detail. I haven’t been signing because these posts have all been by me over the past couple of months. Because of a busy work schedule, S was unable to blog for a while. I’m happy to announce that she now can and does post her stories. Check out her blog, Sara For Sale, at www.saraforsale.blogspot.com. You can be sure that we’ll be writing some posts that go back and forth to each others’, mainly because on some things we think so similarly that it’s scary and, on others, you’d think we might as well have been born on different planets.

As for “Bitches in Stitches,” yes, we’re still both bitches and you better believe that we are still very much both in stitches quite a lot of the time! The blog name is too fun and way too accurate to give up. For that reason I’m keeping it even though I'm the only bitch writing. Or maybe because my readers are now the bitches in stitches. Either way, this blog is here to stay and I’ll now be linking you from time to time to bonus posts that S writes.

Now to the Point
Today is the first day that S. and I really decided that we should start linking our writing and, what a more perfect opportunity than the day after she had a little guy drama! Most of you can imagine-- if for no reason other than you do the same thing with your friends-- that S and I talk a lot of the day during work. All that talking sometimes leads to something productive like--oh hey-- this blog!

Apparently there’s some guy that S. has been on a number of dates with. He was supposed to cook her dinner tonight until he found out last minute that he has to take a client out tonight. Boss’s orders. It happens. So he was kind enough to call her in advance, reschedule for Sunday (good luck, S!) and, not only that, he apologized! He explained that he didn’t like that he had to do this, that he felt guilty about it, that he hates when work commitments come up unexpectedly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, S. was a little disappointed that she would’t have the chance to allow him to show off his culinary skills (and perhaps other skills...) tonight. But, was she mad like a lot of girls would be? No.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think a lot of girls (I’d even venture to say “a majority of girls”) would have been peeved, ticked off to the point that they’d be overtly angry. That, or it would be the girl stewing and not this boy’s dinner tonight. One or the other. I mean, it’s ok to be annoyed when we get blown off, right? (With the understanding that sometimes legitimate things do come up, like in this instance, of course!)

If this boy hadn’t rescheduled with her I’d argue that, duh, he’s just not that into her. But he did, so that’s something we don’t even have to consider here. What should be considered, though, is S’s reaction to the situation.

What did she do? She told him it was ok. She told him that really, he could stop apologizing. She understood what happened because, well, life happens.

And then she explained to him the most important part of all: she actually likes that he has commitments in his life that don’t involve her. It’s great that he has business plans and other social plans, she continued. I LIKE THAT HE HAS A LIFE, she remarked when telling me this morning.

This is one of those issues where S. and I are like a match made in heaven-- in terms of friendship, you wishful thinking boys! This is where I agree with her wholeheartedly that, yes, it’s great he has other elements of his life besides just pursuing his girl(s) of interest. He’s not focusing all of his energies on her (although you can bet he’s spending a great deal of time thinking about her!) and he’s allowing himself to continue his life pre-S. And that’s exactly how she wants it.

Of course I’m exaggerating a little. Sure it’s important that he fits her into his life if he wants her to be a part of it, and yes some things have to change in his routine in order to fit in a girl. Likewise, she also has to make an effort to fit HIM in. (Ew I don’t mean it like that! They haven’t had that many dates yet!!!) Every relationship takes some sort of time and effort, no matter if it’s brand new or decades old. But it shouldn’t take all of anyone’s time, or then it’s just what at least I personally would deem unhealthy.

It would honestly be very much peculiar if this boy were to drop everything and clear his calendar in order to spend every waking moment staring into her dreamy eyes and catering to her every need. It would even be weird if he cancelled poker night with his boys or dinner with his family just to spend time with her. She’d be freaked out, and rightly so.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is the importance of each person in a relationship having their own life. Sure, two lives can merge here and there, but really, it’s important to maintain separate activities and friends to some degree. S’s worst fear is basically that some guy will spend too much time doting on her. Maybe that’s not what most girls fear, but really, I think I have to go with her on this one. It’s just creepy if a guy gives up courtside seats to basketball games all the time just to see you. But once and a while, if you don’t tell anyone (shh!) I might admit that it’s kind of a nice compliment.

Which brings me back to my ultimate point: if he spends ALL his time with you always, it just doesn’t feel as special anymore, does it?


XOXO,
R