Back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and our grandparents were getting engaged, it wasn’t acceptable to become too intimate with a boy before marriage. It definitely wasn’t socially acceptable to be canoodling or, worse-- engaging in sexual relations-- with anyone before the papers were signed and the deal sealed.
But living together? That had to have been than just worse than just intercourse itself. It’s like a blatant statement to the outside world that WE ARE HAVING SEX. Almost as bad as if the girl were to get pregnant. But maybe not quite. At least there wouldn’t be an illegitimate child to forever be holding a neon sign saying “I’m here because my parents made a mistake before they were married!” It might even have flashing lights and ringing bells.
Now we’re in the year 2010 and, as we all know, the public opinion and trends in terms of living together before marriage have both changed drastically. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, “just over 50% of first cohabitating couples ever get married.” In fact, they also write that “Cohabitation, once rare, is not the norm: The researchers found that more than half (54 percent) of all first marriages between 1990 and 1994 began with cohabitation.”
So, for the purposes of this post, and because I think it’s fair to believe that the numbers have surpassed 50% almost 20 years later, let’s say that, on the whole, more people than not cohabitate before marriage. Not that there’s a pressure to do so, but it’s more acceptable if it’s the choice a couple makes. And, believe me, most people are curious about what their partner is like to live with. Does he clip his toenails in a nausea-inducing manner in front of her? Does her dog destroy all underwear that she can get her paws on? Pair that curiosity with society’s acceptance towards living together and we’re certain to get more and more people trying it out before making any legal commitments. And we have.
What if, though, living together is what you both want to do, but, at the same time, it freaks you out a little? What if you feel smothered for space? Or what if you’re just worried about going to the bathroom with your lover on the other side of the door?
These all represent legitimate concerns, that’s for sure. It’s hard to adjust to living with someone new, especially if you’re sharing a bed, eating your meals together, using the same closet space etc. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a solution to these concerns.
OK-- not maybe-- there IS a solution! But you might judge me for it. Or simply say that if a person opts for this choice they’re just not yet ready to move in with the person they supposedly want to live with. (I, on the other hand, maintain the opinion that it’s good to stay independent, whether you’re living together, single, married, divorced, whatever.) What can you do? You can each maintain your own space.
What do I mean by this? I mean that maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world for each person to have a part of the home that they could call their own. His space could be where he keeps his Little League trophies and action movies. Hers could be an escape where she keeps her bed dressed in fresh smelling sheets, covered with her childhood stuffed animals and bordered by bookshelves featuring her favorite chick-lit. What both places would have in common, though, would be that each would represent a place to take a time out, to take a break from communal living space. Because sometimes, a girl just wants to sit on the phone with her best friend and gossip, not worrying about her partner’s input. And we all know that tons of men rely on their video game time, but that most women don’t want to be involved in the . At least in my opinion, these diverse interests make for healthy relationships. After all, we can’t spend all of our time (or even a majority!) with those we love most.
Of course when I brought up this idea of separate bedrooms or individualized spaces with my friends, most were shocked or even horrified. Why would you move in with someone if you don’t want to share a bedroom? Isn’t that the point of moving in?
Yes, I’d argue that in general it is. But, that said, I’m not arguing that people who select this choice wouldn’t be sharing a bed on a nightly basis. I’m not even saying that they wouldn’t spend time in each other’s spaces. It’s just that sometimes being alone is the most rewarding and luxurious time of all. We all need it and that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. And for couples just moving in together, of course living in such close proximity is an adjustment. So why not, like with most other things in life, start off slowly? You could then gradually combine your spaces and things over time.
I bet you can imagine some of the specific reasons why it might be beneficial to maintain separate spaces or even separate bedrooms. I found a great article, “8 Reasons Why Married Couples Should Have Separate Bedrooms,” and it’s certainly worth considering. See here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/270260/8_reasons_why_married_couples_should.html?cat=72. A couple of years ago, in 2007, the Huffington Post even called this concept of married couples having separate bedrooms “all the rage.” See here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/03/10/separate-bedrooms-for-mar_n_43118.html.
Life’s not a rush, nor is it a competition or comparison between people. Do what you need to do. But no need to be assuaged by the masses. After all, if we were to allow the American public to sway our decisions, we’d all be spending our lives eating McDonalds and watching NASCAR. Let’s face it, both are bad ideas. So maybe we can cohabitate in the not-traditionally American way, too. It really could benefit all of our relationships.
