Never Single, Always Attached

First off, please let me apologize for not having posted anything in a couple of weeks. Things have been crazy busy (always a good thing!) and I haven’t had a spare second to write a bitchfest tirade in a while. But, not to worry, I’m back... and as critical as ever.

Even though I’ve been sort of swamped with work and outside activities lately, I’ve still of course made time for Facebook stalking. Obviously. Sometimes it’s just on my phone on the way to work but, without a doubt, it always gets done.

One night as I was scrutinizing the profile of a girl I went to college with, it occurred to me that HOT DAMN, there is NEVER a time that this girl doesn’t have a boyfriend. Never. Not a day. Ok, I’m lying. There was a time that she didn’t have one for about three weeks, but she made sure to get the first one she could get her hands on (literally) after her boy of a couple of years broke things off. Essentially it’s become clear that this girl really hasn’t ever been single since she started dating-- probably back in middle school-- and, judging by the rate she’s going, it doesn’t appear that she ever will be.

I know, I know. You’re wondering how I could possibly predict that she’s going to be attached for the rest of her life. No one has that guarantee, especially these days, do they? People get divorced constantly and, for that matter, many times over. Heck, there’s no guarantee that any of us will even ever get married, but if we’re willing to lower our standards-- and I mean REALLY lower our standards-- we can most certainly seal the deal. After all, all it takes is a couple of blow jobs and, with the quick flick of a tongue, we can score anyone we want, right? (Relax, I’m kidding. Really. I’m seriously joking.)

Some girls are truly willing to settle for anyone and anything. Yes, I just said anything. I’m sure some girls do those blowup doll things like men do, right? In all seriousness, though, there are girls that need to have a man in order to internally validate themselves. They feel worthless unless some man has claimed them as theirs, as if they're not successful in life until they have someone to call their “boyfriend,” “fiance,” or, most significantly, their “husband.” That or they just want to call themselves Mrs. Either way, choose your poison.

Anyway, it’s recently become pretty apparent that this girl I was talking about before not only broke up with her longterm boyfriend, but she also already has a new one. In my opinion, not that she or anyone really cares, she should have broken up with the first guy years ago. Perhaps she could have done it on the day that I found her crying at school because she had just caught him cheating. But, just reiterating what I said before, some girls are willing to take any man they can, just so they feel valued and worthy on this planet.

I’ve long argued that I’m not a feminist-- and I’d still argue that to the death in terms of my prospective on most issues-- but COME ON, GIRLS. Can you really not live a day without a man to call your own? Do you not know how to schedule dinner plans with girlfriends and not include “the boys?” Are you really that afraid of doing things on your own and not having a boy to help you make your decisions and validate your choices?

Perhaps it’s just a sexdrive issue. Maybe that’s it. Maybe girls like her can’t go without intimacy long enough to be single for even a couple of hours. They must be sex addicts. Hey, that could be it. Who knows?!

I think that girls don’t recognize the way that they’re portraying themselves to others when they do this constant boyhopping garbage. Do you really want people to think about you as being that willing to take anyone into your bed? I’m pretty certain that no matter how pretty, smart, funny, sexy, whatever you are, no one sees it as just that; rather, they see you as desperate and unable to manage being on your own. Essentially, you’re viewed as incompetent and weak: she can’t handle getting herself dinner or not having someone sleep in her bed every night!? Come on, girlies, that’s what I’d call pathetic.

Long story short, I’m not impressed by girls who always find themselves attached. It’s not that I’m jealous-- I maintain this idea when I have a boyfriend just as much as when I don’t-- but what's more is that I pity them. I thank my non-existant God for the fact that I can manage on my own, that I don’t rely on dating someone to be happy. And, know what? Sometimes-- or, actually, a lot of times-- it’s more fun to hang out with just myself than anyone else. (Just an FYI: being able to crack yourself up is a great skill.) I’m eternally grateful for being able to enjoy alone time, and well, time when I don’t always have to report my every action to some boy just to feel like a worthy person!

Sex Addiction: A Mental Health Issue or an Excuse to Cheat?

A few weeks ago I spent a couple days with close family friends. Over dinner one night, the conversation somehow drifted to sex addiction: Is it a real addiction? Is it as serious as, say, alcohol, drug or even gambling addictions? And does it really deserve a spot in the next edition of the DSM?

Unfortunately I can't report back that we came up with any conclusions. We left the table unclear as to whether Tiger Woods has a psychological problem or just a love of intimacy, whether Jesse James should seek medical help or if he really just wanted to explore his sexuality beyond his marriage.

That said, this concept has become prevalent in the media. It seems like every few weeks we hear of another unfaithful boyfriend or husband (yes, the news seems to focus more on the male cheaters.) Maybe Americans like this drama or take pleasure in the doom of celebrity marriages. Perhaps our own social lives are so boring that we find ourselves thirsty to know the gossip of even people we don't know personally. For some, other people's failures (specifically relating to infidelity in this instance) validate their own life choices.

What we don't hear about, though, is what actually "transforms" these cheating men into born-again innocent husbands. We know, for example that Tiger Woods was sent to sex addiction rehab in Alabama or Arkansas or one of those southern places where he wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone anyway because he's not their blood relative. But what really went on there? What was his treatment like and why is he suddenly on his road to recovery?

When I posed this question to one of my (male) roommates, he came up with a clever idea. Maybe, he explained, you go to the rehab, and they let you sleep with, say, ten different people on your first day there. Then you get to the second day and, WHAM, just like that, you're only allowed to sleep with nine different people that they find for you. The number really could keep gradually decreasing until you're healed of your endless sexual appetite!

I'll admit that I was laughing hysterically when he explained his idealistic views of rehab. However, I understand that this can be construed as highly offensive, especially for the people who battle what some consider a legitimate mental illness.

I think the real answer here is that it's important that we teach our kids to get on the right path from the start. It should be made explicitly clear that just like in sports or Monopoly cheating isn't allowed, it's not in the adult world by any means either. Grown ups don't lose TV or dessert privlidges when they cheat on their significant others, but there are consequences to this behavior, and dire ones for that matter.

We need to remember that kids are smarter than we think and capable of conceptualizing more difficult ideas than we realize. For that reason, if monogamy is taught early, maybe it won't be as much of an issue later on in life when they become the next American presidents. That was something that I briefly considered when I was teaching The Ten Commandments to a class of thirteen eight year olds this year. (Yes, I teach religious school each week and I happen to love it as a means to earn extra money!)

As I printed each commandment on the board for the children to copy, I got towards the end and stared in disbelief. Adultery. Adultery. ADULTERY. Why hadn't I thought about this earlier? How com I hadn't considered the fact that I'd have to explain this concept to a group of young kids right on the spot? I mean I know that I read their textbook pages for the first time the morning that they do, but really, how could I have been so idiotic?

Out of nowhere, it hit me: I knew how to explain it.

"What do you think it means when God said that you shall not commit adultery?" I asked.

One girl sheepishly raised her hand. I called on her and she explained that she was "pretty sure" that it meant that you "shouldn't act like an adult."

"Hmm...not quite, sweetie, but close" I responded. "Really, you guys, what it means is that if you are a girl, and you're married, you aren't allowed to have any other boyfriends besides your husband. And if you're a married boy, you aren't allowed to have any other girlfriends besides your wife."

Somehow, with that explanation they got it. Even when I asked them weeks later what adultery meant, they all precisely regurgitated my definition.

So if these kids can get it, why can't their role models? Why are the celebrities and athletes that they look up to given what I'd consider a "free pass," or the excuse that it's a mental illness? Clearly I don't have any answers and it's likely easier for kids to understand this idea conceptually rather than in practice later on in life.

When considering this regarding those men who cheat on their girlfriends and wives, I often flash back to what Rachel Green on Friends. "Once a cheater, always a cheater," she squawked in a bird-like voice.

Always definitively true? Maybe not. Worth considering when thinking about people who do it? Absolutely.



XOXO,
R.

The Beauty in the Breakup

This morning after stumbling into the office I started my very intense and exhausting morning regimen: drinking my Starbucks and reading the news. Tough life, I know. Well, actually, life will be tough if anyone here ever finds out that I have so much free time.

Anyway, I came across an article written as part of a column called Girl Talk: "How A Breakup Boosted My Confidence." (See ). I have no idea who this author Lauren Kusnyer is and for all I know, she could be as unqualified to give dating advice as myself. But her piece was entertaining and, most importantly, full of important points.

At the time of a breakup, the situation feels like the worst thing in the world. Regardless of who dumped who, we find ourselves sad and uneasy that life will change permanently, sometimes in ways we can't even predict. Maybe we can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that he wasn't "the one" and finally admitting it after months of trying to convince ourselves otherwise. Usually though the negative feelings outweigh the positive. It feels like we'll never escape this black hole that we've suddenly been pushed into. All we want to do is text him and we secretly hope he'll call us and say "Baby, I made a huge mistake."

During the mourning period, it seems like there's no way out. This black hole has suddenly filled with quicksand, trapping us further and further into our sadness. We can't conceive of pushing through our misery, nor can we imagine the hurt dissipating.

Not only does this all happen (please don't hate me for saying that "time heals all wounds") but we can actually benefit from being single and having time to ourselves.

If I hadn't been single last summer, for example, I wouldn't have made the extra effort to befriend the girls at my gym. I probably would have been heading home after my butt's class each week to talk on the phone to a boyfriend. Now, I'm lucky enough to have made a great group of girlfriends who are going to be just as wound up and excited beside me tomorrow as we wait for the opening credits to roll in Sex and the City II. (Any other readers beyond pumped?!?)

Besides this, being single eventually encouraged my will to date. I was able to really get out and experience those horribly uncomfortable situations that every girl must come across at some point in her life in order to be considered a real woman. The hours and hours of awkwardness made me at least start to feel as if I had entertainment again after moving to a new city, while also giving me the experiences needed to fully bond with my friends during girltalk.

I think most importantly, being single allows us to gain freedom and independence. Now I'm by no means a feminist and I am for sure an advocate of relationships when they work well. I'm the girl who firmly believes that unclogging a toilet, no matter whose fault it is, is the responsibility of a man, whereas girls have their own girly pieces of housework to keep up with.

That said, it's really great to spend time on your own and allow yourself to recognize that you can make it alone. No, not only that you can, but that you can do it well. You're capable of filling up Saturday nights without the help of a boy, and you sometimes even find that you're able to dedicate more of your time to activities that you yourself are interested in-- and not those of mutual interest with anyone else. It's important to learn these lessons, especially in order to be mindful of these ideas if and when you breakup with someone again.

So for all of you girls out there nursing broken hearts, remember one thing: it'll get better. It might not seem like it, but it will. It'll get easier and easier till the hurt goes away. And even though you probably won't recognize it at the time, the whole suckiness factor of a breakup will make you stronger and tougher. We can all admit that the free time you'll have to go to the gym really can help with that.

But in all seriousness, enjoy your singlehood. Isn't it kind of fun considering the possibilities of who you'll meet next-- as you snuggle a Chinese takeout box on the couch?

XOXO,
R.

(Not) Dating a Jewish Doctor

Get ready to be proud of me… I made a good decision yesterday!

Remember the guy who I liked because of the way he ordered sushi? We had a very nice time on the date, but I wasn’t wowed. When he didn’t contact me after the date, I assumed he wasn’t either.

About a month ago, we got back in touch, but he was back in a relationship with someone he had been dating before we met. I was mildly disappointed, as I was curious to see if we’d have sparks now that the first date awkwardness was behind us.

I should probably take a moment to provide some background. This guy is a Jewish doctor. You’re probably thinking how jealous you are right now that I found the perfect man. Well, I won’t leave you in suspense. There are red flags—lots of them:

Red flag number one: The guy is 12 years older than me.
Red flag number two: He’s in the middle of a divorce.
Red flag number three: He has two little kids.

Red flag number four, which to me is the most concerning of red flags, is the girl he’s seeing, and it requires some explanation. This is how the conversation went:

Jewish Doctor: It’s complicated.
Me: Okay, explain it.
JD: We both see other people, but only for sex.
Me: Why’s that?
JD: Because sex in our relationship is difficult and infrequent.
Me: I know it’s none of my business, so you don’t have to answer this, but why?
JD: She has a bad history with men and relationships, and as a result has serious trust issues.
Me: Oh. Well I’m not interested in having a strictly sexual relationship with anyone.

Pardon my internet lingo, but WTF?! After sitting there in awe for a few moments, it occurred to me that maybe the girl was raped and (understandably) has issues with sex. That was the least of my concerns… this guy is a father. He’s supposed to be setting an example for his children, yet he’s in some half relationship? Really? Accept the fact that you aren’t going to have sex with your girlfriend until you really earn her trust, then go watch porn and jack off in the mean time. Or, if that’s not acceptable, move the fuck on.

So I cut ties right that moment, right? Bye bye, Mr. old man Jewish doctor, good luck with the divorce! Wrong. For some reason I decided it was a good idea to talk to him about how he’s probably not happy in the relationship as a whole, and we ended up planning to go for drinks later in the week.

Like a sign from the gods, I got a melodramatic text the day before we were supposed to have drinks. “I’m going to have to cancel tomorrow. We see other people but we don’t date other people. I need to figure out where my relationship is going before I can do this. It wouldn’t be fair to you, to her or to me. I hope you will understand.” My head started spinning with all the things I wanted to say. Dude. I met you once. I’m not having some magical fantasyland love affair with you in my brain. You are an interesting person who I enjoyed spending a few hours with, not the love of my life. Calm down. I settled for “No worries, I understand.”

The next night, I was sitting in bed when my phone started buzzing. I picked it up and looked at it. Lo and behold, there was a text from the Jewish Doctor. “I shouldn’t have cancelled tonight.” I asked him why, and he said he realized he’s not happy in his half-relationship, blah blah blah, etc., etc., etc. He wanted to get drinks the next week. I considered it and realized that at this point, I might as well go. His hot mess of a life was pretty damn funny. So I said yes, but he’d have to get me one drink for the inconvenience of cancelling, one for saying yes and one just because.

Yesterday was the day before the date. The more I thought about it, the more I felt the need to ask myself what the hell I was doing. This guy is shopping around for a new girlfriend while in a relationship, and that says quite a bit about his character. Also, you know how I keep saying he’s a doctor? He’s a psychiatrist. He should know better!

Everything became very clear when I thought about his kids. Ex wives, girlfriends, whatever—I’m not one to judge someone for being a homewrecker. But once children enter the picture, some things are not acceptable. And I’m not about to have any part in anything that could possibly complicate a child’s life.

My decision was obvious: Fuck this date. I decided to be dramatic right back at him. My text to him said “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel tomorrow. I’m at a point in my life where I’m thinking about my future, and this is not the situation I want for it. I think you kind of get that already. Good luck.” Now go think about your children instead of yourself for five minutes. I decided it was better to leave that part out…

So let’s review: Much older man. Divorce. Kids. Girlfriend (with issues). Psychiatrist.

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but thank goodness I came to my senses!

Love always,
S

Shut up about your goddamn boyfriend already!

"You can't tell anyone this," my friend whispered to me in her dorm room, "but I don't really find my fiance to be all that attractive. I mean, I've grown to love him I guess, but he's not that good looking."

Yep, you read that right: "dorm room" and "fiance" were actually used in the same sentence purposefully. This was coming from a girl who, two years earlier, had broken up with a serious boyfriend and, during her mourning period, cried hysterically about how she would no longer have anyone to marry. Guess her fate changed. If nothing more, she certainly had worked for it, even if she was ending up with someone she deemed unattractive just for the sake of having someone to permanently call her own.

Regardless of her attraction, though, this friend never failed to boast about having a boyfriend, forget about her friends as he crept further into the picture or call him instead of walking with her peers between classes. And this situation--to say the least-- perfectly exemplifies why I can't stand most girls in relationships.

Before I go on, there are a few things that should be made clear. First of all, I don't hate all people in relationships, as I will expand upon further below. Furthermore, I still maintain this sentiment without care to my romantic situation; whether I'm madly in love or just starting to see someone or recovering from a bad breakup, my views towards couples still persevere.

There is nothing worse than hearing a girl incessantly refer to that man in her life as her "boyfriend." Ladies, I understand the importance of having a label on what you are. It solidifies what stands as the true situation, makes you comfortable that the party is only in your pants, and not some other girl's too. But really though, does your grandfatherly neighbor need to know that the guy who took out your trash is your boyfriend as opposed to your brother or friend or one-night-stand that you so horribly regret? Do you really think he cares?

I get it that you're happy or at least pretending to be. At the very least, you want others to think you're happy. That's all OK, but I think it's important to remember those around us who aren't. No one likes a girl who flaunts her couple-status in the faces of those kindhearted women who just simply haven't found Mr. Right yet. And just like with anything else, no one appreciates a bragger. Ever.

Even those who hate the bragging the most still might get jealous. The jealousy, in turn, adds a whole other dimension to the negative emotions simultaneously storming your psyche. Ultimately, this mixture of emotions can cause your friends to gravitate away from you, something we all want to avoid for obvious reasons.

There are times, though, when it seems like talking about a significant-other transitions from annoying and irritating to something observers can actually be happy about. I recently discussed this in the car with two girlfriends:

"I love hanging out with you guys," I said, exceptionally aware of the abrupt and blunt nature of my impending commentary. "And I'm not even jealous of you. I'm legitimately happy for you," I explained, referring to one of their relationships with a fiance, the other with a serious boyfriend.

"Yea, you know why that is?" one shot back. "Because you know that the two of us have both been through hell and back with the number of bad men we dated before we found these."

I immediately recognized the validity of her statement-- both girls had experienced the worst of the worst dating sagas. They were painstakingly aware of how hard our wild world makes it to find someone who cares for them who is also attractive and fun and loving and smart and sweet.

It's much easier to feel legitimate happiness towards a truly loving couple who struggled to find each other over years and years of dating, versus those who simply yearned to find significant others for the sake of a title. Point of the story–- it's a lot easier to respect girls who have had a little taste of every type of man before they meet their perfect one. And NO, I don't mean that in the literal sense, you pervs!

XOXO,
R.

Seekingly Everlasting Love-- Or Not.

I can admit it-- when I'm commuting to work and need an easy read, I always open up People.com. It's fun, it's simple, and it's often very juicy. But sometimes it provides us with relevant information, stuff that even the regular boring people who--gasp-- take the SUBWAY can relate to.

The site recently ran an article about Jennifer Love Hewitt, the American actress-turned-singer who became exceptionally popular in the 1990's after staring in I Know What You Did Last Summer. The article, entitled "Jennifer Love Hewitt Gets Turned on by Office Supplies Stores" really seems to just take a quote of hers in which she states that "I love being organized. It's the folders and the tech … [Staples] is a place to take me if you want me to get hot and bothered" out of context.

Towards the end of the article, though, is where it actually gets interesting. Hewitt describes her post-breakup life (she was dating actor Jamie Kennedy) positively: "It's really nice," she said. "You definitely get more time with your girlfriends. You get more time to do things around your house. And just to relax and get your nails done and watch TV and have a good glass of wine. It's great."

There's something to be said about that. Some of us might envy the overly glamourous and glitzy lives that clearly every famous person leads. I mean, their lives are perfect, right? For a brief second, if you will, throw away that notion. MAYBE, just maybe, they're real people who breathe and, dare I say it, EAT and sleep and dream. And maybe, however unlikely it may seem, some of the female celebrities out there actually enjoy the single life. Is it possible that Hewitt's supposed enjoyment of singlehood reflects the greater population?

According to a up and coming documentary/book project, Seeking Happily Ever After, women these days are more accepting of creating serious partnerships later in life. Filmmakers Kerry David and Michelle Cove venture into the realm of single women in their thirties and why this is becoming more of a norm than a stigma these days.

They write:

Although many single 30-something women are proud of courageously charting their own course and refusing to settle, others are not as confident as they initially appear. Instead they are opting to be single because, frankly, the heartache of being vulnerable and putting themselves out there again and again feels overwhelming. Too many single women are also holding tight to a misguided belief that they can push off motherhood for another decade by relying on reproductive technology.

The project is definitely worth checking out at http://seekinghappilyeverafter.com. Maybe our cultural obsessions with dating and finding Mr. Right should be cooled down-- I mean, really, what's the rush? For now, perhaps we should all take a hint from Hewitt and get turned on by the simple things in life, like office supplies or um... male underwear models... and not obsess over finding everlasting love. After all, you might just happen to bump into your soulmate when purchasing Post-it Notes.


XOXO,
R.