The Screening Process

"Before I even kiss a boy, I ask him for his health history," a college acquaintance once explained to me.

And that's why you've never been so fortunate as to kiss a boy, I thought to myself, aware of the semi-evil judgement I had made.

It's unreasonable to expect any person of romantic interest (who you're about to kiss) to tell you when the last time he had the flu was, never mind let you know if he ever had pinkeye or strep throat as a child. While it might be acceptable to verify that you're both clean and STD-free before engaging in any intimate acts, it's really not possible (or even acceptable) to try to find out everything about that person before you cause sparks to fly under your bedsheets.

You can, however, screen people to some extent before you go on a first date. In fact, I highly recommend that you more or less follow a simple protocol before even agreeing to spend an hour having coffee. That's not to say that you should analyze their every word, try to find out too much or ruin any potential of mystery and excitement. But before you go and waste that precious hour of your time, there are some precautions you can take to make it more likely that you'll enjoy the person you're out with.

Now, keep in mind that I'm not currently dating or even as much as perusing online dating or matchmaking websites. Fortunately for me, a girl who still finds herself fascinated with this kind of thing, I have plenty of friends hopping from date to date, from restaurant to restaurant with different "suiters," if you will. By no means am I an expert, but back when I was dating online, I did learn a lot about what works and what doesn't in terms of finding a good date. It's all about trial and error. Fortunately, I've made the errors for you and was able to come up with this list of what you should and shouldn't do before meeting someone.

Here's what I learned about the pre-date lead-up:

1. Read your potential date's profile, and read it well. Thoroughly. All of it. Don't skip lines. If you do, you might just happen to miss that one deal breaker right away (like he doesn't want kids or he hates sushi) and have to spend two hours showering, washing your hair, drying it, straightening it, picking out clothes and putting on makeup, only to arrive at your local Starbucks and hear what he had clearly written out for you earlier. Take the time to read what he said, hope he's being honest and, if you still like him, continue on with the process.

2. How does he approach you for the first time? If it's an instant message, does he write you something sleazy like "HEY SEXY, I HOPE I CAN BE YOUR PRINCE" right off the bat? Or, does he take the time to write you something personalized and meaningful? Perhaps he asks you questions about YOU, or maybe he comments on something specific that he read in your profile. Either way, you can tell a lot about his approach to dating from your very first online conversation, whether via email or instant message or whatever it is. Anything too generic, at all offensive or too much about him equals bad news bears.

3. Make sure you've exchanged more than one email back and forth before accepting a date invitation. If it's only been one or two and a guy asks you out, how does he really know he wants to spend any time with you? Is he shallow and basing his assessment off of your looks? (God help him and let's hope that your photo is the real you!) Or is he just that eager to get a date with anyone he can so he immediately asks out whatever girl will talk to him? Perhaps he's just looking to get someone to go out with him so he can lull her in for an easy hookup after buying her a nice dinner. Who knows. But really, get a better sense of who he is via email before you jump into anything. Oh, and seeing how he writes doesn't hurt either. Not to say that you should judge someone on their spelling and grammar. I understand that not everyone in this world is fortunate enough to be well educated or even skilled in these areas. But, really, if you can't deal with it now, do you really actually think you'll grow to be able to deal with it in six months?

4. Always always ALWAYS talk on the phone with the person who you might be going out with before you agree to actually do so. I'm not talking about talking on the phone to firm up your plans; rather, I mean get a feel for them as a person, for their voice, for their way of speaking (and the way that they speak TO you) before you come up with any ideas for a date. We've all been there: we go to meet up with someone we thinks will be great, only to encounter them and learn that they have an exceptionally abrasive or just annoying voice that we just can't live with.

It's important to understand that this is not, by any means, a sure-fire plan to go on a successful date. There's so much more to find out when you actually meet the person-- a feeling that you'll get that can't be described in words. But, if you're careful and at least make some sort of attempt to weed out the countless men interested in you (YES, there are a lot. You just might not realize it.) then you'll find yourself out with a deadbeat who can't hold a conversation or speak his own language properly. Try to get the best sense of him that you can before meeting him in person.

And, as always, have a backup plan before the date. I hear your bestie tends to need you every time her dog comes down with a stomach issue...

You Searched for WHAT and Ended Up on MY BLOG?!

I’m not at all internet savvy, but one thing I do know is how to use the website that tracks who views this very blog. Don’t get freaked out—I can’t tell who you are. Identifying readers would require me tracking down your IP address and, let’s be honest, I have no idea how I would even start to do that besides just asking my brother to complete the process after giving him the number. (Is an IP address even a number? A code?) My capabilities boil down to this: I can tell how many people viewed my page, the time and date of their visit, what city they were in when they visited (or where their server is) and if they’re on a Mac of a PC. (I’d hope though that most of my readers are smart enough to be using a Mac.)

Anyway, there’s one other thing I can tell: how people got to my page in the first place. All I have to do is click on a link I find on my tracking site called “referrals.” Clicking this link brings me to a list of web pages that my last 50 or so visitors clicked on, via which they arrived at Bitches in Stitches.

To clarify let me give you an example. (NO, I don’t think you’re all idiots. I just know I can’t properly explain anything technological.) Say you see that I posted a link to my post on Facebook, as you might very well have a minute ago. You click my link and, TA-DAH, Facebook pops up as the page that referred you to my blog. Here’s where it gets interesting: when people find the page through a Google search, I’m also privy to their search terms that led them here. In honor of a dreadfully painful and slow Wednesday, I’m going to share with you some of my favorites. Boy, are they good.

In no particular order:

1. “Guy stop texting after 1^st date and why.”

Just a thought: Maybe he didn’t like you. Perhaps if you had to Google that you’re also otherwise so socially unaware that you don’t know how to dress for or behave on a date?

2. “Boy end girl sexy”

What does this even mean? Maybe you meant to write an “a” in front of “nd” instead of writing “end” but you sure as hell could have fooled me. Somehow, Google managed to guide you to the post I wrote about a boyfriend thinking another girl is attractive.

3. “Texting have a good trip”

Acid trip? Vacation to the moon? Relax. Maybe he literally just meant that he hopes you have a good trip. Or she hopes that. I have no way of even knowing who wrote that search query. But really, sometimes people genuinely mean what they say.

4. “Seeing someone and being in a relationship”

This search makes sense: most of us really don’t know what the difference is between “seeing someone” and “being in a relationship,” besides the fact that being in a relationship sounds more official and is more likely to piss-off an ex. (I’m not advocating that, just stating the truth!) Besides, I wrote a blog post with almost that exact title, so that makes sense that someone would wind up on my page.

5. “I need to find a goddamn boyfriend”

All I can say is that you better get off Google and either into the real world or onto an online dating site. Searching for Mr. Perfect on an online search engine doesn’t really do the trick. Sorry, but someone had to break the news.

6. “How to make a boy not be able to stop thinking about me”

Do you mean positive or negative thoughts? If it’s the negative that you’re referring to, I could certainly offer some suggestions. You could start off being a girl who trusts Google algorithms for dating advice.

7. “Bitches on dating sites”

I’m not sure if a person here was looking for true bitches (i.e. mean girls) on dating sites or for a girl who could be their “bitch.” But, regardless, really? I mean, really?! Either way, the searcher here isn’t up to any good.

8. “Craigslist whores”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this search makes it seem like the person is the next Peter Markoff. Or they’re really just that desperate for a cheap lay. Again, another situation where the search really just couldn’t lead you to anything good. Well, besides my blog, of course!

That’s all for today. Here’s to hoping that I made you smile, even the teeniest bit, and brightened up your Wednesday!

Stop texting. Stop calling. STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.

Most of us who have dated have been in this situation. We go on a date and we're not that interested in the man we went out with. Boy keeps calling and texting. Sometimes maybe we've responded, sometimes we persistently ignore him. But, however we respond, we know we're not being friendly and we're certainly not showing interest (even if he CONVINCES HIMSELF we're playing hard to get.)

Why is it, then, that sometimes a guy just doesn't get it? I know, I know, we're hard to resist. At times, at least. Other times (...of the month...) you couldn't pay me to be a guy near a girl. But really, why can't some men just take a hint? Not even just a hint, something alluded to or suggested, but a blatant FACT?

In case you're still unsure of exactly what type of situation I'm referring to, I'll provide you with some examples. One is my own personal experience from a serial-dating period of my life. The other a friend recently shared with me, while venting her frustrations and trying to figure out what the hell it is that this man doesn't understand!

Here was my scenario. I went out with a guy. Mistake number one: I met him at a local bar. But hey, we all make mistakes, and even though I should have known that his idea wasn't particularly appropriate (or appealing!) for a first date, I agreed to go. He looked like he could be handsome and he seemed smart, so why not?

I get to the date and, like a total gentleman, he's on time. But, let's just say that's about all he did right the entire night. (OK, he paid for my one rum and diet, but that was it besides that. I swear.) Now, I know it's not his fault that he was shorter than I am-- I'm 5'1''-- but it WAS his fault he said he was 5'5''. Either someone needed to re-take their second grade math lesson on measuring, or they needed to learn to tell the truth. But, that was something I could overlook (literally) and I obviously let the date proceed.

Problem was, I would have had to look past a lot more than that in order to be able to tolerate another date with him. This was a guy who I can promise is a self-described foodie. He'd been to most of the restaurants in our neighborhood, and all of the most famous places in town. But, of course, every time I'd share with him a place that I liked, he'd look at me with a judgmental glare or say "Oh, I don't really like it there" or "It's really not all that good there." Rude, yes. So bad that I couldn't tolerate an entire hour in his presence? Bordering on that, but I knew how to handle myself.

Needless to say, after he insulted all of my favorite places and proved that he couldn't carry on a conversation about anything besides food, I decided immediately that I wasn't interested. Per my own protocol, I wasn't going to answer his calls or his texts, and we certainly weren't going to become friends anytime soon.

I followed my own rules. He didn't get it. He kept calling and he kept texting. I got a few of those messages that were something to the extent of "Hey, this is J... I'm just um... calling to see how you are." Then I'd get the simple texts asking what I was up to or how I was. Over a month later, I got this email:

hey R,

So I'm going to assume that our lack of conversation over the past month or so is an indication that you aren't interested in speaking to me anymore. I'm a little surprised though because I really enjoyed the few hours I got to spend with you and I also remember you saying you were interested in being friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm still interested in seeing you again, but I totally get it if you're not interested...I guess I'm just looking for some closure either way.

Happy Hannukah and have a good new year!

J



First off, I'm sorry that you need closure after one dinner. I really am. Because what happens if you've had, say, dinner AND a kiss with some girl and then she reveals that she's not interested? Do you need to be locked into an insane asylum to heal yourself? Maybe go live with the monks in Tibet so that you can find your inner peace and spirituality?


I've got to be blunt in a situation like this: Get a clue, dude, I don't want to be involved with you! If I did, I'd reciprocate your efforts to be in touch and maybe, just maybe, be interested in seeing you again. Would I really be playing hard to get for an entire month? Did it ever cross your mind that if I were to do that, I would know I was running the risk of losing you, clearly the love of my life, forever?

Something similar happened with a friend of mine this week. Long story short, she'd been on three dates with K. (Three dates definitely = marriage and living happily ever after, right? Duh.) Anyway, K took a trip overseas after those dates and, even with the seven hour time difference and exorbitant long-distance fees, texted and called her every day of the trip. Most times she didn't even answer or respond, but he kept at it. Honestly, I felt sad for him the whole time that he'd be focusing so much of his energies on a girl who was acting lukewarm toward him when, in theory, he could have been on an exotic beach being hit on by a much hotter-for-him sun.

Here's what happened when he got back: my friend decided she needed to make it clear that this wasn't going to go anywhere. No need to keep stringing him along because she wasn't about to pursue him (she had been dating another guy of much more interest anyway) and no point in hurting his feelings. So she did the classic "I'm not ready for this" bit and assumed he'd just GET IT and move on.

Bzzzzz, WRONG!

Text 1 from K after her explanation: i wish you wouldve told me before i left for for my trip, but i was starting to get that feeling

...half hour later...

Text 2 from K: not to beat a dead horse, but i cant wrap my head around this...why the change?

Here's my question: why are you beating a dead horse if you KNOW you are? And what do you think you're going to get out of it? Even moreso, why would you WANT to be with a girl who clearly isn't into you?

I think that some people just don't get it. There might not be a rhyme or reason as to why or what they don't understand, but they don't. More or less, it's a form of social ineptitude, if you will. If nothing more, girls and other guys can learn from reading about these experiences.

What can they learn? A few things:

1. Don't act (or be) desperate. Just don't.
2. If someone clearly isn't interested, back off. If YOU got it wrong and they're interested even though you think they aren't, they'll come looking for YOU.
3. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you, not someone who ignores all of your efforts to get in touch with them.
4. A first date doesn't mean much. It's a first impression-- that's not only true but also important-- but it doesn't signify any kind of commitment or even true interest in the person. After all, you just met!

I'll end with one more thing. As the uninterested party we can't feel guilty. * We MUST at all times be polite, unless someone becomes verbally or physically forceful toward us. But you're not going to be with someone you're not crazy about (or, you shouldn't at least!) so no need to lead on a guy who's interested when you're not. Tell him you're done and move on. Eventually he'll have to, too.

*Note: we all end up on both sides of this equation at one point or another, we just might not be as dramatic as the people in the examples I listed)

Just Friends-- After Meeting on a Dating Site?

Normally I don't like to read my work email during hours that aren't 8:30am-4:30pm on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays or Fridays. A job-related problem came up last night as I was lounging on the couch in oversized sweatpants. I had to open up my dreaded inbox. Crisis averted after a few moments of panic and a couple instances of almost throwing up. Apparently, though, I wasn't the only one having a day of uncertainty; because I opened up my work email, I found that a work friend was having his own issue to deal with-- one that didn't involve work but that somehow found its way into my work email.

"Will you be in tomorrow?" he wrote. "I have a girl issue to discuss with you."

After a morning equally as stressful as my night, I finally found a second to catch up with friend to get the 411 on his situation. He explained that he had gone on a date. A really good date, for all that that's worth. I couldn't help but wonder what the issue was. Could he be like one of us girls who gets upset when things are going well for us? Was he about to sabotage something good out of fear of letting himself be too happy?

Yes, it was a good date and yes, they most certainly had a great time. They had such a fun time, in fact, that he really wants to go out with her again. Minor detail: he's just not attracted to her.

The problem was much simpler than I expected. The solution, on the other hand, might not be so easy to determine. Could he just tell her that he wants to be friends with her-- and then actually remain her friend? he wondered aloud. NO, I answered.

But why not? Why couldn't they just be friends?

Are you really looking for new FRIENDS? I asked him.

No, he answered.

I asked him if he thought that this girl was searching for more friends.

Negative. She wasn't and isn't.

This girl is on a dating site for a reason, and it aint because she's looking for another man friend to play Scrabble against on a Friday night. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule. Maybe sometimes we are looking for new friends; for example, we might be on the friend prowl when we've moved to a new city or we find that our group of friends has dissipated. But, in general, how often do you think people are really spending time on matchmaking sites without any intentions of finding romance and/or sexual partners? It's quite simple actually: dating sites are for that very purpose-- dating. Deep, I know.

Well, this friend wanted to know, what was my rationale behind my very solid opinion? I clearly had made a decision, and it wasn't based on the idea that guys and girls can't just be friends. (I'm a strong believer that they can be.) Past experience, though, has taught me that people who meet on dating sites (generally speaking) can't and won't develop friendships. Take, for example, the last time I thought that was possible. The guy and I became close "friends" and we hung out platonically dozens of times. But, each and every time we hung out, it became clearer and clearer that he had ulterior motives for our hangout sessions, whereas I really just wanted a guy friend to spend time with since I had just moved into the area.

Our "friendship" ended when he decided to attempt to pull a fast-one, but I ended that situation quicker than he could have ever imagined. Sure enough, he found himself a girlfriend a couple of months later because, after all, that was what he had truly been yearning for the entire time. (Disclaimer: no fault against him for wanting a romantic relationship with someone; I was the one who lost points for being the idiot to not see through his whole friendship act.) He had met me on a dating site for a reason and since I wasn't fulfilling his desires, he wasn't about to accept just friendship with me (a girl who he apparently was attracted to) while eager for more.

When I started to think about my coworker's situation, though, I realized that another occurrence had also influenced my point of view. Years ago when I was dealing with an on-again/off-again situation with a guy and things just weren't working out, I told him in one of those emotional, college-maturity ways that I thought we should just be friends. Funny thing is I was serious-- I really thought that.

His response?

"R, I don't NEED anymore friends. I wouldn't have been out looking for a girlfriend and gotten involved with you if I were looking for more friends."

I really believe that we can never have enough friends. That said, it's more important to develop deep and meaningful friendships, rather than stretch ourselves thin over dozens of "friends." (Same goes for how we shouldn't do that with members of the opposite sex!) But, this boyfriend's comment was the end to whatever we had between us. To be quite honest, I think it was the end of me thinking that guys and girls on dating sites (who found each other via this technology) can really end up friends. After all, if we were looking for more friends, would we really be going to the trouble to advertise ourselves as seeking romance?

From Coffee Dates to Booty Calls: Unacceptable Dating Trends

It’d be a little inappropriate if a guy asked you outright for a first date that included not only dinner but a sleepover and breakfast as well. It’s not unheard of though, and it definitely happens all of the time. It would also be odd to take a date to meet the parents (or even the friends or extended family) on a first date. But, after talking to countless girls about their dating lives, I’ve learned that this experience, too, is also not unheard of. People have different expectations about what should happen on a first date and where it should be, but there are certain things that just cross the line. And, as Joey from Friends would say, sometimes people cross the line so far that the line just looks like a dot to them!

It’s important that I make something clear here. We often focus on when men have gone too far and have done too much on a first or second date. Perhaps they took the girl to somewhere too extravagant (a wedding or work gathering is clearly not appropriate for a first meeting) or they expected the meeting to go on for too long. Much too often, though, girls overlook the very opposite phenomenon: the guy who just won’t step things up.

For a first date, I like to suggest to both other people and myself to keep things simple. I’m talking a Starbucks get-together or a casual outdoor walk. No reason to have a higher-pressure situation, like dinner, where oh-so-many things could go wrong. Sure, with a coffee or tea date someone could spill, or with a walk someone like myself could trip and end up in the hospital. But there’s much less risk involved. Most importantly, it’s easier to scheme an exit plan when things are left simple. If you’re dying over dinner because that guy is just leaking partially chewed food from his mouth, there aint a hell of a lot you can do besides wait for him to finish and hope to god the check comes soon. And he better be paying. Especially after putting you through that disgusting behavior.

Basically a first date should be short, sweet, easy to get out of but, if it’s good enough, one that wants you leaving more. That said, what happens when a guy keeps the dates short and simple? What if he never makes the transition from your local coffee shop to even your neighborhood pizza joint? Or what if he does take you for dinner, but then never wants to even do as much as get ice cream afterwards?

That, my friends, is a problem. If a man really wants to get to know you and ultimately date you, he should, at the very least, buy you a nice (not necessarily expensive, but nice) meal and want to spend time with you. Under no circumstances should you “not be worthy” of his time for dinner; rather, if that’s the case, he’s not worth any of your time at all.

Another similar issue that arises is when you come across a guy who, sure, he’ll take you for dinner, and he might even take you out for drinks and a stroll afterward-- on weeknights. But when it comes to the weekends he disappears. Well, listen to me, and listen to me well: that’s not acceptable behavior. If a guy isn’t willing to fit you into his oh-so-busy weekend schedule that doesn’t even have a second for you to see each other, then well, he’s just not what you’re looking for. A guy who’s truly into you should not only want to see you on the weekends (or all the time, for that matter, although seeing each other too often too soon is a totally different issue), but on weekend nights as well. He should be thrilled to share your company on a Friday night, rather than be out boozing with his bros and picking up hos. (Alright, I tried to rhyme, but actually if you think about it, there might be SOME sense in what I was trying to say.)

It all boils down to this: it’s totally fine if a guy starts things off slowly. He should. No doubt about it. But, if after a few dates he’s unwilling to, say, devote an entire meal to you or pen you in for a weekend meet-up, he’s just not worth your time. Remember, it’s not at all about buying you things, and a guy should never feel as though he always has to buy you dinner. (You should be doing it an equal amount for him, ladies!) But, he should be willing to sometimes take you out, and those sometimes should definitely be occasionally during prime going-out hours. If he doesn’t man up and have this happen, I’d argue that he really should be out with his boys looking for women-- trashy women not including yourself-- who will tolerate this disgusting behavior.


PS: Please remember that there are exceptions to every rule. Maybe your guy works night shifts and can’t have dinner. Consider other factors before jumping to any conclusions, but please oh please, don’t make excuses for him. He’s not even your boyfriend yet! Booty calls and completely cost-free dates aren’t going to cut it, and they damn well shouldn’t.

I'm Single-- But Have a Very Serious Boyfriend

I’m the queen of being single. Really. I’ve definitely spent the majority of my life unattached. But, then again, if you count childhood, most people my age can say the same. Personally, though, I think I’ve had my fair share of being single, and when I am, it’s something that I’m usually OK with and have come to terms with. After all, being single can be a blast. It can be liberating to not have to report to anyone but yourself, to not have to worry about when you’ll be home so you can have dinner on someone else’s schedule.

Some people, though, don’t think of being single the way that I do. They think of it perhaps as being “alone,” that they have no companion with whom to share their life. Some girls equate singledom with failure: there must be something wrong with me that I can’t get a boyfriend! Even that weirdo girl who doesn’t shave her legs in my history class has a boyfriend. I shave and shower, so why don’t I!?

Obviously people can cope with their feelings of despair various ways. Some choose to actually be proactive, to put themselves out there, meet men, online date, go out more, you name it. And sometimes those tactics work.

Other times, though, people do what drives me absolutely insane: they lie. They tell their close friends that they’re “seeing someone” and tell acquaintances (or anyone who doesn’t know much about their daily routines) that they’re with someone who’s going to soon be popping the question with a five carat Harry Winston.

Sour singles, as I like to think of them, at times lie to exes and say they have a new person in their life. This occurrence can happen when, in reality, it’s evident that they’re still sitting home watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC at 9:00pm on Friday nights. (Please note that single or taken, that’s actually a fun way to spend a night!)

Maybe you’re thinking, alright, people lie. So what?

The “so what” is that lying becomes frightening when the liar actually begins to believe their fictitious stories. It goes without saying that this is a common phenomenon among all liars, that they start being unable to distinguish between real life and their creations. But, for some reason, I keep noticing this happening more and more with people I know and people they know, and their cousin’s friend’s sisters and their father’s best friend’s daughters.

More and more people, it seems, feel increasing pressure to be dating someone. So much pressure, I think, that it feels more acceptable to invent elaborate tales of their experiences with Mr. Perfect than to admit that they’re just not at the point where they’ve actually found him!

Well, listen up, ladies and gents. I’ve gotta tell you that whether or not you realize it, it’s much easier to get caught in your lies these days since the invention of what we call the internet. It becomes especially clear when you’re posting fifty photos per month on Facebook that you don’t have a boyfriend because he’s not in any of the photos. And you know that thing called Twitter? Yea, well, if you’re tweeting every hour on the hour about how you ate a banana for breakfast and took a bathroom break from that painfully boring meeting at work, it seems a little odd that you never once mention your boyfriend for the general public to read about, no?

And think your friends won’t see you hanging out on dating websites? Believe me, friends know. I’ve run into countless people I know on sites, as have most of my friends. So if your dear friend doesn’t notice that you’re chilling on Jdate for three hours at a time, not to worry: someone else will. And you will get caught. Liars always get caught.

Why am I bothering to write about this? And why do I write this with such passion and emotion? Because it makes me sad-- legitimately upset-- that people can’t just accept that there are periods of time where they WILL be single. Meanwhile, there’s no need to be upset about it, especially as it usually doesn’t reveal much about your character. We all go through those rough patches. (It’s different if you’re unable to ever score a date, but that’s a different story.)

Instead of lying to others and, most importantly, yourself, do me a favor. Embrace being single. Spend extra time with your friends and family. Go eat dinner alone in a restaurant from time to time and watch couples fighting so you’re reminded that it’s a joy to not be involved with that. Being single is nothing to be ashamed about-- if anything, it’s a fabulous excuse to be selfish and do the activities that YOU want to do all the time.

Please Don't Bring Me Flowers: The Anti-Romantic

Though R and I have plenty of things in common, we certainly are far from being exactly the same. There is one critical similarity, however, that has led us to embark on the business venture that is our book about bad dates: our mutual hatred for all things romantic.

Romance and nice gestures make me squirm. Unlike most girls, I do not appreciate receiving a text in the morning before work telling me to have a great day. I don’t care that you had fun on our date or that you really enjoyed talking to me. Either you want to see me again or you don’t, and nine times out of ten, I don’t want to see you again, so it doesn’t matter.

Not too long ago, I went on a first date to get drinks with a guy and was unimpressed. He was kind of rude to the waitress, and that’s a dealbreaker for me. He also seemed to have a bad habit of asking me questions about myself but then interrupting me when I answered them. Regardless, he sent me an email a week or so later, saying he had a great time and asking if I’d like to get dinner the following week. Though I sent a polite response saying thank you, but I didn’t feel much chemistry, inside I was screaming “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASK ME TO DINNER AND RUIN MY DAY!?!?!”

Most girls would love it if a guy they were seeing cooked them a romantic dinner, right? Not me. A friend of mine was seeing one of my close friends, who has severe and complex food allergies. Over time, I’d become somewhat familiar with what she could and couldn’t eat, so my friend went to the trouble of bringing me to the grocery store with him so I could help him pick out ingredients for a romantic dinner that wouldn’t kill her. I pretty much went home and vomited afterward, a similar response to when my like-minded romance-hating friend told me her date brought her a rose. “Ew,” I said. “That’s disgusting.”

I’m not saying I want someone to slap me around, verbally abuse me and spit on me, not by any means. Though I like guys who are direct and assertive, I don’t tolerate inconsiderateness. Let me demonstrate this critical difference:

The other day, I went on a sushi date with a guy. When it came time to order, I told him everything sounded good, and that I’m adventurous and like everything but salmon and cilantro. He in turn asked the waitress to just pick some stuff for us, but nothing with salmon or cilantro. Perfect! He passed the test, and I’ll probably go out with him again. If we were in a relationship and I wanted to go to a particular sushi restaurant and eat a specific type of sushi, I’d expect things to be different. But for a first date, that is exactly how I like a guy to handle it.

Now let me tell you about how I don’t like a guy to handle himself. I was recently trying to plan a date with someone, and we were picking a day. I said I was free Thursday, he said Tuesday would be better, and he would be able to leave work around 8. I asked him what time he thought he could get to a location about halfway between his work and where I live—I work early, so I wanted to make this happen as early as possible. He said “Well it will be easier to meet by my work.” Hold on a minute here. We picked the day that’s easier for him and harder for me, then he wants me to meet him near his work, which is nowhere near where I live, because it’s easier for him? Not acceptable, and not a good first impression at all. As a result, I have decided not to go out with him. R, of course, supports this decision.

I’m not asking for a man to be rude to me. I’m just not into flowers and flattery. As you can probably tell from my decision to nix the man who wanted me to meet him near his work, I value manners and politeness. Maybe I’m a little old fashioned in my approach to gender roles in dating. But I think we can all agree on one thing—I’m certainly not old fashioned when it comes to romance.

Love Always,
S

Living Life Unprofessionally

As you may or may not know, S and I are working on a journalistic endeavor that involves asking women around the country about their bad dates. We’re interviewing and uncovering these truly remarkable stories—women who have been dumped on street corners to fend for themselves mid-date, others who have had men scheme elaborate birthday plans after only a first meeting.

What’s been interesting along the way, though, is discovering the way that certain people react upon learning about our project.

The fun dating-expert girls from my gym (who so graciously have invited me out and into their homes to hear their stories) unilaterally react with excitement. They’re always chomping at the bit to reveal their stories. Understandably, the details roll off their tongues faster than their clothes flew off their bodies when that one-night stand happened in the first place. As one girl described it, sharing with us is like therapy. And who wouldn't want to have to pay their shrink to listen to them?

You’d think it would horrify older women the most when they hear about our project. After all, they’re all prudes who saved themselves for marriage and thus the worst sex on the planet, right?

Oddly enough, they also respond well to our undertaking. Most older women (and I’m talking the grandmothers of today) find the project to be clever, even cute. But, sorry nana, the story of you going on a horrible date and later finding out he was the son of the Shah of Iran is just not the type of “funny” we’re looking for. This is a true story coming from a woman who, at seventy-five years of age, miraculously still has her marbles. At least on the days when she doesn’t call me to tell me not to swim in a public pool because I’ll get bladder infections.

What’s funny, though, is how people in the professional world react to this topic. I quickly discovered that posting a question on Linked In as innocuous as “I’m working on a journalism project, need women as sources to talk about bad dates” immediately prompts a barrage of hate mail. Like seriously, words almost as bad as what Tiger Woods is probably still getting daily about how disgusting his overtly sexual behavior is.

Maybe the people who react so violently are the ones who have never even BEEN on a date, never mind a bad one, because they’re too busy reading the question section of their professional networking site. (Honestly, who is it that answers those questions anyway?)

I appreciate you women out there telling me that my boss would be ashamed of me for posting such a query on a professional site. Don’t worry, he’s already ashamed of me for other things I’m sure.

Really, I actually consider your thoughts. OK, fine, maybe I don’t listen to those specific frigid middle agers whose most recent fun experience was when their kid failed to puke on the car ride to Chucky Cheese.

Now’s the time in life to mess up and make both professional and social mistakes—and if it takes a little inappropriate behavior along the way to do it right, so be it.

XOXO,
R.

When the Worst is Really the Best

The idea of a first date is a scary one. I get it. No, really, I do. As one friend put it, she always feels like it’s a job interview, where the sole purpose is for the other person to pass judgments and decide if they deem you worthy enough of a second meeting. Legitimate concern—that I won’t argue—but really, what’s the worst that could happen?

I try to always remember that a first encounter can go one of three ways, none of which ultimately are all that horrific. Let me break it down as follows:

--Possibility A: It goes really well. Now when I say possibility, I sort of intend to imply in this particular case a “a rarity” or “unlikely event.” In either case, it happens that a first date can leave you wanting more, if not because of magical chemistry but because you simply enjoyed each other’s company. Don’t expect this outcome, but rather be pleasantly surprised when it does happen.

-- Possibility B: The date is FINE—not GREAT, but he didn’t insult you, offend you, or leave you drunk searching for a cab on a desolate street corner at 2am. This situation represents the WORST case scenario. Curious that it’s the worst, right? A neutral date leaves you without craving another get-together and with an uneasy feeling that you just wasted an hour of your time that could have been better spent, perhaps scrubbing strains off your stovetop or balancing your checkbook. Because both are things we really do regularly.

I guess the plus side is that at least if your heart isn’t fluttering when you gaze into his baby blues (OK, I even just grossed myself out) you’re one step closer to knowing what type of person you’re not looking for. The one way that you can turn around this less than ideal situation is if you can later develop a friendship. Believe it or not, that actually can and does happen.

--Possibility C: Your date is so bad that you want to leave faster than if you were stuck in a padded cell with Miley Cyrus playing on repeat. Remember Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? I think there’s something to be said about the title of this childhood tale: sometimes the concept transcends to the adult world and, even more specifically, the dating scene.

Maybe it’s as simple as your date telling you he doesn’t get very much action in the bedroom. It could be as unnerving and embarrassing as he gets arrested as you’re enjoying fine wine in a candlelit restaurant. (Both examples are drawn from true stories, I swear.)

Regardless, there are bound to be situations gone awry and sometimes, when we’re incredibly lucky, they actually make for the best dates. What more could a girl want on a Sunday morning than to share a multi-coursed brunch with girlfriends—accompanied by sidesplitting laughter as you recount the hilarity of your escapades? Isn’t it fun to be able to laugh, and I mean REALLY laugh, at the inappropriate and uncalled for behaviors of last night’s dinner partner?

After all, if a guy spends a date describing in detail his uncircumcised penis, at least you can smile knowing that you’ll never have to experience it firsthand or know if he washes under the flap.

XOXO,
R.