You Searched for WHAT and Ended Up on MY BLOG?!

I’m not at all internet savvy, but one thing I do know is how to use the website that tracks who views this very blog. Don’t get freaked out—I can’t tell who you are. Identifying readers would require me tracking down your IP address and, let’s be honest, I have no idea how I would even start to do that besides just asking my brother to complete the process after giving him the number. (Is an IP address even a number? A code?) My capabilities boil down to this: I can tell how many people viewed my page, the time and date of their visit, what city they were in when they visited (or where their server is) and if they’re on a Mac of a PC. (I’d hope though that most of my readers are smart enough to be using a Mac.)

Anyway, there’s one other thing I can tell: how people got to my page in the first place. All I have to do is click on a link I find on my tracking site called “referrals.” Clicking this link brings me to a list of web pages that my last 50 or so visitors clicked on, via which they arrived at Bitches in Stitches.

To clarify let me give you an example. (NO, I don’t think you’re all idiots. I just know I can’t properly explain anything technological.) Say you see that I posted a link to my post on Facebook, as you might very well have a minute ago. You click my link and, TA-DAH, Facebook pops up as the page that referred you to my blog. Here’s where it gets interesting: when people find the page through a Google search, I’m also privy to their search terms that led them here. In honor of a dreadfully painful and slow Wednesday, I’m going to share with you some of my favorites. Boy, are they good.

In no particular order:

1. “Guy stop texting after 1^st date and why.”

Just a thought: Maybe he didn’t like you. Perhaps if you had to Google that you’re also otherwise so socially unaware that you don’t know how to dress for or behave on a date?

2. “Boy end girl sexy”

What does this even mean? Maybe you meant to write an “a” in front of “nd” instead of writing “end” but you sure as hell could have fooled me. Somehow, Google managed to guide you to the post I wrote about a boyfriend thinking another girl is attractive.

3. “Texting have a good trip”

Acid trip? Vacation to the moon? Relax. Maybe he literally just meant that he hopes you have a good trip. Or she hopes that. I have no way of even knowing who wrote that search query. But really, sometimes people genuinely mean what they say.

4. “Seeing someone and being in a relationship”

This search makes sense: most of us really don’t know what the difference is between “seeing someone” and “being in a relationship,” besides the fact that being in a relationship sounds more official and is more likely to piss-off an ex. (I’m not advocating that, just stating the truth!) Besides, I wrote a blog post with almost that exact title, so that makes sense that someone would wind up on my page.

5. “I need to find a goddamn boyfriend”

All I can say is that you better get off Google and either into the real world or onto an online dating site. Searching for Mr. Perfect on an online search engine doesn’t really do the trick. Sorry, but someone had to break the news.

6. “How to make a boy not be able to stop thinking about me”

Do you mean positive or negative thoughts? If it’s the negative that you’re referring to, I could certainly offer some suggestions. You could start off being a girl who trusts Google algorithms for dating advice.

7. “Bitches on dating sites”

I’m not sure if a person here was looking for true bitches (i.e. mean girls) on dating sites or for a girl who could be their “bitch.” But, regardless, really? I mean, really?! Either way, the searcher here isn’t up to any good.

8. “Craigslist whores”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this search makes it seem like the person is the next Peter Markoff. Or they’re really just that desperate for a cheap lay. Again, another situation where the search really just couldn’t lead you to anything good. Well, besides my blog, of course!

That’s all for today. Here’s to hoping that I made you smile, even the teeniest bit, and brightened up your Wednesday!

Stop texting. Stop calling. STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.

Most of us who have dated have been in this situation. We go on a date and we're not that interested in the man we went out with. Boy keeps calling and texting. Sometimes maybe we've responded, sometimes we persistently ignore him. But, however we respond, we know we're not being friendly and we're certainly not showing interest (even if he CONVINCES HIMSELF we're playing hard to get.)

Why is it, then, that sometimes a guy just doesn't get it? I know, I know, we're hard to resist. At times, at least. Other times (...of the month...) you couldn't pay me to be a guy near a girl. But really, why can't some men just take a hint? Not even just a hint, something alluded to or suggested, but a blatant FACT?

In case you're still unsure of exactly what type of situation I'm referring to, I'll provide you with some examples. One is my own personal experience from a serial-dating period of my life. The other a friend recently shared with me, while venting her frustrations and trying to figure out what the hell it is that this man doesn't understand!

Here was my scenario. I went out with a guy. Mistake number one: I met him at a local bar. But hey, we all make mistakes, and even though I should have known that his idea wasn't particularly appropriate (or appealing!) for a first date, I agreed to go. He looked like he could be handsome and he seemed smart, so why not?

I get to the date and, like a total gentleman, he's on time. But, let's just say that's about all he did right the entire night. (OK, he paid for my one rum and diet, but that was it besides that. I swear.) Now, I know it's not his fault that he was shorter than I am-- I'm 5'1''-- but it WAS his fault he said he was 5'5''. Either someone needed to re-take their second grade math lesson on measuring, or they needed to learn to tell the truth. But, that was something I could overlook (literally) and I obviously let the date proceed.

Problem was, I would have had to look past a lot more than that in order to be able to tolerate another date with him. This was a guy who I can promise is a self-described foodie. He'd been to most of the restaurants in our neighborhood, and all of the most famous places in town. But, of course, every time I'd share with him a place that I liked, he'd look at me with a judgmental glare or say "Oh, I don't really like it there" or "It's really not all that good there." Rude, yes. So bad that I couldn't tolerate an entire hour in his presence? Bordering on that, but I knew how to handle myself.

Needless to say, after he insulted all of my favorite places and proved that he couldn't carry on a conversation about anything besides food, I decided immediately that I wasn't interested. Per my own protocol, I wasn't going to answer his calls or his texts, and we certainly weren't going to become friends anytime soon.

I followed my own rules. He didn't get it. He kept calling and he kept texting. I got a few of those messages that were something to the extent of "Hey, this is J... I'm just um... calling to see how you are." Then I'd get the simple texts asking what I was up to or how I was. Over a month later, I got this email:

hey R,

So I'm going to assume that our lack of conversation over the past month or so is an indication that you aren't interested in speaking to me anymore. I'm a little surprised though because I really enjoyed the few hours I got to spend with you and I also remember you saying you were interested in being friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm still interested in seeing you again, but I totally get it if you're not interested...I guess I'm just looking for some closure either way.

Happy Hannukah and have a good new year!

J



First off, I'm sorry that you need closure after one dinner. I really am. Because what happens if you've had, say, dinner AND a kiss with some girl and then she reveals that she's not interested? Do you need to be locked into an insane asylum to heal yourself? Maybe go live with the monks in Tibet so that you can find your inner peace and spirituality?


I've got to be blunt in a situation like this: Get a clue, dude, I don't want to be involved with you! If I did, I'd reciprocate your efforts to be in touch and maybe, just maybe, be interested in seeing you again. Would I really be playing hard to get for an entire month? Did it ever cross your mind that if I were to do that, I would know I was running the risk of losing you, clearly the love of my life, forever?

Something similar happened with a friend of mine this week. Long story short, she'd been on three dates with K. (Three dates definitely = marriage and living happily ever after, right? Duh.) Anyway, K took a trip overseas after those dates and, even with the seven hour time difference and exorbitant long-distance fees, texted and called her every day of the trip. Most times she didn't even answer or respond, but he kept at it. Honestly, I felt sad for him the whole time that he'd be focusing so much of his energies on a girl who was acting lukewarm toward him when, in theory, he could have been on an exotic beach being hit on by a much hotter-for-him sun.

Here's what happened when he got back: my friend decided she needed to make it clear that this wasn't going to go anywhere. No need to keep stringing him along because she wasn't about to pursue him (she had been dating another guy of much more interest anyway) and no point in hurting his feelings. So she did the classic "I'm not ready for this" bit and assumed he'd just GET IT and move on.

Bzzzzz, WRONG!

Text 1 from K after her explanation: i wish you wouldve told me before i left for for my trip, but i was starting to get that feeling

...half hour later...

Text 2 from K: not to beat a dead horse, but i cant wrap my head around this...why the change?

Here's my question: why are you beating a dead horse if you KNOW you are? And what do you think you're going to get out of it? Even moreso, why would you WANT to be with a girl who clearly isn't into you?

I think that some people just don't get it. There might not be a rhyme or reason as to why or what they don't understand, but they don't. More or less, it's a form of social ineptitude, if you will. If nothing more, girls and other guys can learn from reading about these experiences.

What can they learn? A few things:

1. Don't act (or be) desperate. Just don't.
2. If someone clearly isn't interested, back off. If YOU got it wrong and they're interested even though you think they aren't, they'll come looking for YOU.
3. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you, not someone who ignores all of your efforts to get in touch with them.
4. A first date doesn't mean much. It's a first impression-- that's not only true but also important-- but it doesn't signify any kind of commitment or even true interest in the person. After all, you just met!

I'll end with one more thing. As the uninterested party we can't feel guilty. * We MUST at all times be polite, unless someone becomes verbally or physically forceful toward us. But you're not going to be with someone you're not crazy about (or, you shouldn't at least!) so no need to lead on a guy who's interested when you're not. Tell him you're done and move on. Eventually he'll have to, too.

*Note: we all end up on both sides of this equation at one point or another, we just might not be as dramatic as the people in the examples I listed)

The Disappearing Act

It happens all the time. Girl goes out with boy. Boy and girl both have fun. It seems like they share a “special” connection. Both go home smiling. Maybe they share another night out. Maybe not. Boy never calls girl again. Girl wonders what happened. Boy never tells girl. Girl never finds out answer. Story ends.

It's all too common yet I hear this recurring tale from girls' perspectives all the time. "We had everything minus our mothers in common!" they exclaim. "It went perfectly and I was never so comfortable in my life on a first date!" others tell. What they all wonder, no matter how they're phrasing it and regardless of how they proceed with their lives, is WHY. Why didn't he call? Why didn't we ever see each other again? Did I misjudge the situation? Am I really actually not so accurate when it comes to reading people and did he not actually have fun?

Well, ladies, it's a harsh reality out there: sometimes, you just won't know. You'll never know. Ever. Maybe it sucks, maybe it frustrates you, maybe you want to know what went wrong so that you can finally sleep again or know that it wasn't entirely your fault. But you can't. Sometimes there's no way of knowing. And that's just life.

I've been in this situation many times myself. Sometimes I've found out the honest answer, like when a close guy friend who I seemed to gel with perfectly told me flat out that he's "just not attracted" to me. At the time I was offended; in retrospect, not so much. It was honest. Blunt, hurtful (although out of my control) but honest. Had we not been such close friends as well, I think in that instance that statement would have explained why, even though we connected well, we didn't end up dating.

Likewise, I've also dealt with the Houdinis of dates-- the guys who pull the mysterious disappearing act for reasons that I've never know, only to magically pop back into my life weeks or months later. Maybe they've reappeared with the intentions of scoring more dates with me, or maybe they've just wanted a booty-call. I usually imagine that they've tried out some other girls (perhaps unsuccessfully) and are trying to revert back to me, their second, seemingly safer option. But, let's face it, I no longer want to see you again, no matter how much I felt like we connected in the past. You've already proven to me that you're not reliable or, really, all that serious in pursuing me.

A strong emotional spark means a lot and there's no arguing that, but it sure aint everything. Dependability, on the other hand, represents a greater part of the equation than we usually imagine. So you've got some amazing things in common, but does it ever really matter if he doesn't call when he says he will or never initiates plans with you?

Yes, we can sometimes learn from our mistakes but, quite honestly, when a guy just fades away, there isn't always something to gain from knowing why. I'm a believer in constructive criticism, even when it hurts, but sometimes, like in many of these situations, there's nothing really constructive to say. Maybe he's just not interested or perhaps he just has bullshit commitment issues and is scared to actually get into a serious relationship.

Knowing about any of his personal mischegas (the Yiddish word for BS) won't help YOU. You might even find yourself wondering if you can convince him otherwise or help him in some way. But don't. Just don't. Take it for what it is: it wasn't meant to be. If he wanted to date you he'd make it a point to call you and make plans and treat you well and impress your friends and family. Maybe in the future he will be ready, and he might come crawling back. It's then up for you to decide if you want to get involved or not. That's when you have to weigh the evidence and go with your gut.

It's comforting when we have answers. It really is. Especially when we know things happened because they were out of our control (even as frustrating as that can be) because we know that we didn't do anything wrong to precipitation the situation. The fact of life is that we don't always have answers. Just like we don't know how the world came to be or why Bill Clinton ever thought it would be a good idea to bang Monica Lewinsky (couldn't he have done better?!), we don't always stop dating someone with full knowledge as to why things went down the way they did. (Not him on you, sickos! And, if that is what I'm referring to, maybe your answer is that you just didn't smell that clean. If so, take care of that now, missy.)

Speculating isn't worth our time. Making an effort to find someone reliable and respectful is. And it's important to remember that.

My boyfriend thinks that girl's sexy and I... AGREE!?

My disclosure: Some of you are going to be weirded out by this post. Not only that, some of you are going to think I’m crazy—which I may very well be. There’s a slight chance you might agree with what I’m about to say, but it’s unlikely. I encourage you to share your thoughts either way.

I’m going to throw this out there: I don’t get offended when a boy I’m dating comments on the level of attractiveness or sex appeal of some other girl. I don’t throw a girly fit, snap at him or threaten to break up with him. In fact, I do the very opposite: I’m willing to engage in thoughtful discussion with him about it. I mean I guess maybe thoughtful isn’t the appropriate word—is a conversation about judging someone’s appearance really that detailed, serious and important?

You might wonder if I get jealous when my boyfriend tells me he finds another girl attractive. The answer is no. I don’t get jealous whether he sees her on the street and makes that comment. Nor do I care when I show him a picture of a girl that I personally think is cute or pretty or sexy or hot and he responds with an affirmative opinion.

Likewise, I don’t find some secret pleasure if and when a guy that I’m with points out an unattractive girl on the street. Actually that evokes the very opposite reaction for me—why would I want to be dating someone who is evil enough to comment on the heinous nose of a girl he doesn’t know or on some stranger’s botched haircut!? Sure, like any girl, I can admit that I do experience a little pleasure when anyone close to me has an opinion aligned with mine, especially if it’s about a particularly unkind girl and her dreadful appearance.

I know that some people will argue that I’m objectifying women here. There are always a few people in every audience who claim that the person speaking is objectifying women or men or animals or SOMEONE. To clarify, I believe in starting a thoughtful (again, not MEAN but rather constructive) dialogue about a person’s aesthetics.

In my sick and twisted mind, I justify this viewpoint as being the same as looking at a piece of art. Just like a Monet or a Picasso, a woman can be beautiful, exotic, unappealing or simply hideous—with many other things in between. If I were in an art museum with a boyfriend, I’d value and seriously consider his opinions about the pieces hanging on the walls. Why, I wonder, should this differ from any human face or body, essentially works of art in and of themselves? Why shouldn’t I be interested in my partner’s opinion on that as well?

The truth is, if you’re comfortable in your relationship, you shouldn’t take issue with the fact that your significant other finds someone attractive. If you’re worried that because they find them attractive it means they want to run out to a Motel 6, rent a room for an hour and screw them, then yes, by all means, you do have a problem. But if you believe that, maybe you shouldn’t be in that relationship at all.

Face it, people: even when we aren’t single, good looking and ugly people alike still exist. Just because we find someone attractive doesn’t mean we’re attracted to him or her. And, even if we were, it doesn’t mean we want to bang them for hours on end.

So get over it. If your man tells you on occasion that some other girl is good looking, take the comment for what it is and move on. (Granted, it’s a different situation if he’s constantly commenting on other women or if he fails to ever compliment you.) If you really find his comments worrisome, don’t bother shrieking, hissing or withholding sex for weeks on end. Then it’s just time to evaluate the level of trust in your relationship and really consider if this is someone you want to be with.

Used to Being Used

If you’re in the mood to read something light and perky, this probably isn’t the post for you today. Maybe Google “smiling puppies” or “I just got laid,” but don’t keep on reading.

Why? Because I’ve got a bone to pick. Or, let’s put it this way: a lot of my friends want to pick this very same bone, but I’m going to do it on behalf of all of us because, well, no bone really deserves the invasion of that many digging fingernails.

I think I always had this idealized version of social life floating around in my head-- that by the time we graduated high school we would be over our petty gossip stage, that past middle school we would stop backstabbing each other. And, you know what? I thought we’d stop using each other-- especially using the people we consider our friends-- because I thought that by now we’d be mature and socially aware enough to know that people would catch on to our behaviors.

I was wrong. Very wrong. So wrong that I should probably be embarrassed to admit that I thought people would get past this stage.

How could I have thought that people would actually grow up and start treating each other well? Did I really think that people would treat me as I wished to be treated, and that people would consistently have genuine intentions when interacting with me?

As I’m writing I’m realizing that you might have no idea what I’m alluding to. In a quick and simple explanation, here it goes: people use each other. For all things. During good times and bad, during childhood, adulthood and even old age. It’s a sick fact of life, but it’s definitely a true one.

“Friends” have ulterior motives in their interactions all the time. “Uh, hey, could you translate this into French for me? I mean, I know we haven’t spoken in months, but you’re good at French and I’m not...” or “I know I’ve failed to include you in any social activities recently, but like, my car broke down, and I really need a ride to the shop... if you could please help me out this one time...”

A personal favorite was when someone I knew tried to get in touch with an old friend. Why did he want to befriend her again? To use her dad for his business connections, of course. Obviously neither the girl or her father would have caught on. Because no one has ever tried to benefit from her father’s good fortune ever before. No one has ever tried to benefit from a super wealthy man ever ever ever before. Who would think of doing such a thing?!

Or, recently, a girlfriend was complaining about how annoyed she was with a guy friend, J, because he had asked her to do a favor for him past midnight during the middle of the week. She explained that she did out of empathy, that she considered what it would be like to be in his shoes-- locked out of the house with a broken car-- and without anyone to help out.

So, J. had the guts to let her phone ring when she could have easily been sleeping, but did he ever even say thank you? No. He didn’t as much as utter a word of gratitude.

Now, I personally would have been forever indebted to her if she drove me across town in the middle of the night. Apparently, though, the rest of the world doesn’t think that way. It’s OK to only come crawling back to someone when you need them, rather than enjoy their company in both the good and the bad.

The kicker, though-- at least to me-- is that J. really has no idea that my friend knows he used her. He’s probably going on with his daily routine, driving down some Yellow Brick Road in that car that she helped him get fixed. My friend, though, is simmering at work over the fact that she actually considered J. a friend, all the while he made it clear that they’re only friends when it’s convenient for him.

What really gets me, though, is just that-- the people who use us are too socially incompetent to know that we know. (Does that remind anyone else of that Friends episode “Does she know we know she knows!?”) It becomes abundantly clear when someone is just asking me for a teeny favor because they need my help and not because they’d ever reciprocate.

Don’t invite me to your bridal shower (and not the wedding!) just for the gift, and don’t ask me to cover your shift at work just so you can hang out with that cute boy you just met. Just don’t. And, if you do, try to make it a little less obvious, k?

Before you ask me-- or anyone with any social awareness at all-- to edit your cover letter because I’m such a good writer (enough with the flattery, it doesn’t work) or to help you move when you have no intention of helping me (we all know I’m not a big, strong girl) realize this: we’re on to you. We know what you’re doing.

Maybe you’ll get away with it on occasion, but deep down, we’re aware of your intentions. Some people will fall for your stunts, and, hey, I applaud you for being that sly that you can get away with such actions. But anyone with an ounce of self dignity and awareness won’t. The beauty in the situation is that the more you do it, the more likely the naive souls you’re taking advantage of will realize what you’re doing. And that, my friends, allows me to end this post with some optimism and, yes, a real smile-- the goofy kind, like of the class clown who just caused the class to burst into laughter. Because, hey, wouldn’t it really be funny if all the people being used caught on and stopped allowing themselves to be used?