Facebook and Our Feelings?!

So here’s an interesting one. Facebook cares about you. Not only does the company/website care about you, they care about your feelings and your emotions, especially when it comes to romantic breakups.
According to Samuel Axon’s “Facebook stops showing you photos of your ex” (http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/10/20/facebook.ex.photos.mashable/index.html?iref=NS1) on www.cnn.com, Facebook “used to constantly show you photos of your ex, which might have reminded you just how great things were before he or she dumped you, but it has stopped that now. Exes no longer show up in the ‘Photo Memories’ box.” For those unaware, the “Photo Memories” box refers to that subdivision of your Facebook screen that appears in the top right corner of certain pages on the site, like when you’re viewing friends or photos.

Now, if I remember correctly from The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg certainly cared about algorithms. He definitely didn’t care about social relationships on the personal level. Rather, he was concerned about how they applied to other people and how he could capitalize on essentially helping technologically define other people’s social ties. But, hey, money talks and a good business person knows what their client is after. And Zuckerberg’s clients, we can assume, certainly aren’t after making their lives miserable and depressing through constant visual reminders of relationships past. Well, some of them might be, but here I’m assuming that we’re not all crazy emo people who strive to be depressed all day. Or at least I hope not.

Anyway, according to this source, a group of people made a Facebook group where they protested the “Photo Memories” box. Their efforts, it seems, made an impact as they got their way. Facebook developed a set of rules in their programing code to make it so that our exes essentially no longer pop up unwanted on our screens. What the code entails no one but insiders knows for sure; maybe the system recognizes when we used to click on someone’s profile all the time and then stopped, or perhaps it’s based solely on changed relationship statuses. As one of my friends said once, “I don’t question it, I just know that Facebook somehow knows everything.” Scary but somehow true.

Since Facebook already has way too much of my information (and I’m really the only one at fault for that) I’m not sure what I think. I can’t decide if I like that they’re using my clicking-habits to help me out or if I’d really appreciate that they stay out of my personal life. I’d like to think that when I feel as if the whole world knows I’ve just experienced a tragic breakup at least animals and non-human, inanimate objects, like the internet and our computers, are unaware. Apparently no long the case.

Now, I do have to say that it might bring on a sense of relief if an ex’s picture no longer pops up when we didn’t even go to their page. I mean, sometimes it’s unavoidable, especially if you two still maintain mutual friendships. He or she is bound to appear in a picture you’re looking at for an entirely different reason than to stalk him. My own algorithm helps me calculate me that there’s a good chance this will happen. (Funny role reversal here, I’m pretending to enter the mathematical/computer science world as Facebook and its developers try to edge into the realities of the social world.)

When it comes down to it, I think I appreciate the intentions of the company here. In the olden days (read: Y2K and before) we didn’t have to look at pictures of an ex unless we pulled out and dusted the photo box we kept under our bed. Now, with the prolific nature of social networking online, we have no choice but to keep seeing reminders of what was. If Facebook can even help me to avoid one of those hurtful moments, even just one, then I say all the power to them. I’d prefer to spend that moment not thinking about an ex, wouldn’t you?

My Advice? Move on to the next one!

I’m not a tough person. I cry in the shower when a coworker makes a nasty comment. I endlessly replay situations where a friend issues me a backhanded compliment.

When it comes to dating, though, I’m pretty tough. Let’s put it this way: if you’re coming to me for advice regarding a guy who just isn’t treating you well, I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you that maybe, sweetie, he’s just going through a tough time. I refuse to allow your pretty little mind to think that, yes, it’s acceptable that he won’t label you as his girlfriend or show you off to his friends.

Know why? Because it’s not. Nope, not acceptable at all.

So after he finally breaks up with you (or you’re lucky enough to break up with him) I’m not going to be sympathetic when you keep running back to him. You miss him—I get it. It’s downright painful to cutoff all ties with someone who you’d text midday from the bookstore because you saw something they’d like. You’re probably used to checking on him during his lunch break at work and maybe he called you every night before bed.

But listen, sister, a breakup is just that: a BREAKUP. Don’t you even think of running back to his cozy bed dressed in plaid, unwashed sheets. You can do better—at the very least you can sleep in your own WASHED sheets— and you know it.

Whenever an applicable situation comes up I like to reference one of my favorite books of all time, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt. (Please note that I’m not talking about the movie with the same title. It was based off the book but failed to sufficiently convey the book’s messages accurately.)

Anyway, this summarizes my above-referenced feelings, which some might perceive as my nasty-bitch side, to a T:

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on. –He’s Just Not That Into You

So what if you get that, you’re following the rules and not talking to him, and he’s the one calling you to tell you that he ate a fabulous corned beef sandwich on rye with spicy mustard, ran an amazing 4.667 miles and, oh yea, by the way, he misses you, baby?

Yes, he broke up with you, but he’s still the one running back for comfort. He made the conscious decision to not be with you, but he still feels like it’s alright to call to ask you about your day.

I have no explanation for why this happens, but it seems to happen frequently. Really, a lot. Now I never advocate for retaliation (it’s better just to let things go and, as idealistic as this might sound, “be the bigger person”) but sometimes it’s best to in your own way dig it back to him.

Don’t answer his calls. Don’t run out when he emails asking to meet at Starbucks to catch up. Allow him to miss you, to consider what he gave up. Certainly don’t rerun your dramatic relationship ending where he called you fat and you told him that his member was small over and over. Don’t wish him anything bad or even be rude or short to him. Just don’t. It’s not worth your time.

Over time, I’ve learned that the sooner we let go of these freaks, the ones who treat us poorly and forget that they can’t just have us anytime they so please, the sooner we’ll get closer to finding Mr. Right. I’m not saying that we’ll ever find Mr. Perfect, but with each bad egg we crack, that’s one down and we’re one person closer to discovering someone kind and compassionate.

So, if nothing more, remember this: the next time a guy blows you off for balcony seats at an NBA game, consider what he really means to you and, more importantly here, what you mean to him. I mean, really, he’s not even ditching you for courtside seats, but balcony seats? Come on! Move on.

XOXO,
R.

ME Time

One of my favorite Sex and the City quotes has always been the following, said by Carrie's on-again-off-again lover, Mr. Big: "After a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh." There's definitely substance to this assertion; after all, isn't it most important to end up with someone who makes you happy?

But, let's face it, not every day in a relationship or marriage is going to be full of laughter. Now I'm by no means an expert on relationships and I certainly know nothing about marriage, but I do know this: a day in either situation might can pass without as much as a chuckle or even a smile. Maybe even two, three or, hell, a couple of weeks. It happens.

Does that mean that Mr. Big's comment loses validity in the grand scheme of things? Not at all.

Let me backtrack a little. Last Friday, my girlfriends and I were some of the first in line to see the newest Sex and the City movie. We were so pumped we even ate dinner while sitting on the floor in line outside of the theater.

We finally got in, the movie started, I got up to go to the bathroom no fewer than eight times, my friends excused themselves for the same reason and to buy candy and to walk around and do anything else possible to avoid any extra seconds of sitting. None of us were glued to our seats and this certainly wasn't the dramatic saga we had all waited for months to see.

Honestly, the movie was horrendous. All that hype for nothing. Sarah Jessica Parker had officially ruined my life again (see http://bitchesinstitches.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-sarah-jessica-parker-ruined-our.html). Well maybe not ruined my life, but ruined a whole two and a half hours of it.

One idea, and one idea only, really hit home with that film. There's a scene where Carrie, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, decides to leave her husband for a couple days to return to her bachlorette-pad to complete a writing assignment. Those two days seemed to have done emotional wonders for both Carrie and her partner, Mr. Big. They decide that this wouldn't be just a one time deal and that it'd be a weekly occurrence. Time to breathe, get work done, spend time with friends apart from a spouse, maybe pluck eyebrows or even catalog a shoe collection-- the possibilities are endless.

"You can't just take a break from marriage!" an overheated girlfriend exclaimed.

Sure, this fictitious duo was criticized by their equally ficticious friends. But, I like to think that these characters mirror real people and true life feelings.

But what if a person could take a break from either a relationship or a marriage? I'm not talking about a break-up break, the kind that's like a trial separation period for both parties to go out, experience other pleasures and ultimately decide whether or not they want to get back together. I mean the very kind of break that Carrie and Mr. Big took on screen: just a couple of days a week (or per month, year or whatever the pair decides) to do things alone and independently.

Many girls have boyfriends who maintain friendships with at least some high school friends who still haven't figured out that they're no longer in high school. If a girl doesn't want to participate in beer pong tournaments followed by public urination and the penis game, maybe she shouldn't have to.

At the same time, a girl could use certainly use her alone time wisely, whether it's used for work or pleasure. I know that I certainly don't want any man with me when I'm out shoe shopping and I'm sure as hell that a man wouldn't be caught dead trailing me on those adventures.

So, for as awful as that movie was, I think that it did illustrate a really great idea: we all need alone time. We can all benefit from taking a step back from even those we love the most. And, believe me, there are definite benefits to that when you eventually reunite. But I'll leave that notion for you to figure out on your own.


XOXO,
R.

The Beauty in the Breakup

This morning after stumbling into the office I started my very intense and exhausting morning regimen: drinking my Starbucks and reading the news. Tough life, I know. Well, actually, life will be tough if anyone here ever finds out that I have so much free time.

Anyway, I came across an article written as part of a column called Girl Talk: "How A Breakup Boosted My Confidence." (See ). I have no idea who this author Lauren Kusnyer is and for all I know, she could be as unqualified to give dating advice as myself. But her piece was entertaining and, most importantly, full of important points.

At the time of a breakup, the situation feels like the worst thing in the world. Regardless of who dumped who, we find ourselves sad and uneasy that life will change permanently, sometimes in ways we can't even predict. Maybe we can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that he wasn't "the one" and finally admitting it after months of trying to convince ourselves otherwise. Usually though the negative feelings outweigh the positive. It feels like we'll never escape this black hole that we've suddenly been pushed into. All we want to do is text him and we secretly hope he'll call us and say "Baby, I made a huge mistake."

During the mourning period, it seems like there's no way out. This black hole has suddenly filled with quicksand, trapping us further and further into our sadness. We can't conceive of pushing through our misery, nor can we imagine the hurt dissipating.

Not only does this all happen (please don't hate me for saying that "time heals all wounds") but we can actually benefit from being single and having time to ourselves.

If I hadn't been single last summer, for example, I wouldn't have made the extra effort to befriend the girls at my gym. I probably would have been heading home after my butt's class each week to talk on the phone to a boyfriend. Now, I'm lucky enough to have made a great group of girlfriends who are going to be just as wound up and excited beside me tomorrow as we wait for the opening credits to roll in Sex and the City II. (Any other readers beyond pumped?!?)

Besides this, being single eventually encouraged my will to date. I was able to really get out and experience those horribly uncomfortable situations that every girl must come across at some point in her life in order to be considered a real woman. The hours and hours of awkwardness made me at least start to feel as if I had entertainment again after moving to a new city, while also giving me the experiences needed to fully bond with my friends during girltalk.

I think most importantly, being single allows us to gain freedom and independence. Now I'm by no means a feminist and I am for sure an advocate of relationships when they work well. I'm the girl who firmly believes that unclogging a toilet, no matter whose fault it is, is the responsibility of a man, whereas girls have their own girly pieces of housework to keep up with.

That said, it's really great to spend time on your own and allow yourself to recognize that you can make it alone. No, not only that you can, but that you can do it well. You're capable of filling up Saturday nights without the help of a boy, and you sometimes even find that you're able to dedicate more of your time to activities that you yourself are interested in-- and not those of mutual interest with anyone else. It's important to learn these lessons, especially in order to be mindful of these ideas if and when you breakup with someone again.

So for all of you girls out there nursing broken hearts, remember one thing: it'll get better. It might not seem like it, but it will. It'll get easier and easier till the hurt goes away. And even though you probably won't recognize it at the time, the whole suckiness factor of a breakup will make you stronger and tougher. We can all admit that the free time you'll have to go to the gym really can help with that.

But in all seriousness, enjoy your singlehood. Isn't it kind of fun considering the possibilities of who you'll meet next-- as you snuggle a Chinese takeout box on the couch?

XOXO,
R.

Seekingly Everlasting Love-- Or Not.

I can admit it-- when I'm commuting to work and need an easy read, I always open up People.com. It's fun, it's simple, and it's often very juicy. But sometimes it provides us with relevant information, stuff that even the regular boring people who--gasp-- take the SUBWAY can relate to.

The site recently ran an article about Jennifer Love Hewitt, the American actress-turned-singer who became exceptionally popular in the 1990's after staring in I Know What You Did Last Summer. The article, entitled "Jennifer Love Hewitt Gets Turned on by Office Supplies Stores" really seems to just take a quote of hers in which she states that "I love being organized. It's the folders and the tech … [Staples] is a place to take me if you want me to get hot and bothered" out of context.

Towards the end of the article, though, is where it actually gets interesting. Hewitt describes her post-breakup life (she was dating actor Jamie Kennedy) positively: "It's really nice," she said. "You definitely get more time with your girlfriends. You get more time to do things around your house. And just to relax and get your nails done and watch TV and have a good glass of wine. It's great."

There's something to be said about that. Some of us might envy the overly glamourous and glitzy lives that clearly every famous person leads. I mean, their lives are perfect, right? For a brief second, if you will, throw away that notion. MAYBE, just maybe, they're real people who breathe and, dare I say it, EAT and sleep and dream. And maybe, however unlikely it may seem, some of the female celebrities out there actually enjoy the single life. Is it possible that Hewitt's supposed enjoyment of singlehood reflects the greater population?

According to a up and coming documentary/book project, Seeking Happily Ever After, women these days are more accepting of creating serious partnerships later in life. Filmmakers Kerry David and Michelle Cove venture into the realm of single women in their thirties and why this is becoming more of a norm than a stigma these days.

They write:

Although many single 30-something women are proud of courageously charting their own course and refusing to settle, others are not as confident as they initially appear. Instead they are opting to be single because, frankly, the heartache of being vulnerable and putting themselves out there again and again feels overwhelming. Too many single women are also holding tight to a misguided belief that they can push off motherhood for another decade by relying on reproductive technology.

The project is definitely worth checking out at http://seekinghappilyeverafter.com. Maybe our cultural obsessions with dating and finding Mr. Right should be cooled down-- I mean, really, what's the rush? For now, perhaps we should all take a hint from Hewitt and get turned on by the simple things in life, like office supplies or um... male underwear models... and not obsess over finding everlasting love. After all, you might just happen to bump into your soulmate when purchasing Post-it Notes.


XOXO,
R.