Stop texting. Stop calling. STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.

Most of us who have dated have been in this situation. We go on a date and we're not that interested in the man we went out with. Boy keeps calling and texting. Sometimes maybe we've responded, sometimes we persistently ignore him. But, however we respond, we know we're not being friendly and we're certainly not showing interest (even if he CONVINCES HIMSELF we're playing hard to get.)

Why is it, then, that sometimes a guy just doesn't get it? I know, I know, we're hard to resist. At times, at least. Other times (...of the month...) you couldn't pay me to be a guy near a girl. But really, why can't some men just take a hint? Not even just a hint, something alluded to or suggested, but a blatant FACT?

In case you're still unsure of exactly what type of situation I'm referring to, I'll provide you with some examples. One is my own personal experience from a serial-dating period of my life. The other a friend recently shared with me, while venting her frustrations and trying to figure out what the hell it is that this man doesn't understand!

Here was my scenario. I went out with a guy. Mistake number one: I met him at a local bar. But hey, we all make mistakes, and even though I should have known that his idea wasn't particularly appropriate (or appealing!) for a first date, I agreed to go. He looked like he could be handsome and he seemed smart, so why not?

I get to the date and, like a total gentleman, he's on time. But, let's just say that's about all he did right the entire night. (OK, he paid for my one rum and diet, but that was it besides that. I swear.) Now, I know it's not his fault that he was shorter than I am-- I'm 5'1''-- but it WAS his fault he said he was 5'5''. Either someone needed to re-take their second grade math lesson on measuring, or they needed to learn to tell the truth. But, that was something I could overlook (literally) and I obviously let the date proceed.

Problem was, I would have had to look past a lot more than that in order to be able to tolerate another date with him. This was a guy who I can promise is a self-described foodie. He'd been to most of the restaurants in our neighborhood, and all of the most famous places in town. But, of course, every time I'd share with him a place that I liked, he'd look at me with a judgmental glare or say "Oh, I don't really like it there" or "It's really not all that good there." Rude, yes. So bad that I couldn't tolerate an entire hour in his presence? Bordering on that, but I knew how to handle myself.

Needless to say, after he insulted all of my favorite places and proved that he couldn't carry on a conversation about anything besides food, I decided immediately that I wasn't interested. Per my own protocol, I wasn't going to answer his calls or his texts, and we certainly weren't going to become friends anytime soon.

I followed my own rules. He didn't get it. He kept calling and he kept texting. I got a few of those messages that were something to the extent of "Hey, this is J... I'm just um... calling to see how you are." Then I'd get the simple texts asking what I was up to or how I was. Over a month later, I got this email:

hey R,

So I'm going to assume that our lack of conversation over the past month or so is an indication that you aren't interested in speaking to me anymore. I'm a little surprised though because I really enjoyed the few hours I got to spend with you and I also remember you saying you were interested in being friends. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm still interested in seeing you again, but I totally get it if you're not interested...I guess I'm just looking for some closure either way.

Happy Hannukah and have a good new year!

J



First off, I'm sorry that you need closure after one dinner. I really am. Because what happens if you've had, say, dinner AND a kiss with some girl and then she reveals that she's not interested? Do you need to be locked into an insane asylum to heal yourself? Maybe go live with the monks in Tibet so that you can find your inner peace and spirituality?


I've got to be blunt in a situation like this: Get a clue, dude, I don't want to be involved with you! If I did, I'd reciprocate your efforts to be in touch and maybe, just maybe, be interested in seeing you again. Would I really be playing hard to get for an entire month? Did it ever cross your mind that if I were to do that, I would know I was running the risk of losing you, clearly the love of my life, forever?

Something similar happened with a friend of mine this week. Long story short, she'd been on three dates with K. (Three dates definitely = marriage and living happily ever after, right? Duh.) Anyway, K took a trip overseas after those dates and, even with the seven hour time difference and exorbitant long-distance fees, texted and called her every day of the trip. Most times she didn't even answer or respond, but he kept at it. Honestly, I felt sad for him the whole time that he'd be focusing so much of his energies on a girl who was acting lukewarm toward him when, in theory, he could have been on an exotic beach being hit on by a much hotter-for-him sun.

Here's what happened when he got back: my friend decided she needed to make it clear that this wasn't going to go anywhere. No need to keep stringing him along because she wasn't about to pursue him (she had been dating another guy of much more interest anyway) and no point in hurting his feelings. So she did the classic "I'm not ready for this" bit and assumed he'd just GET IT and move on.

Bzzzzz, WRONG!

Text 1 from K after her explanation: i wish you wouldve told me before i left for for my trip, but i was starting to get that feeling

...half hour later...

Text 2 from K: not to beat a dead horse, but i cant wrap my head around this...why the change?

Here's my question: why are you beating a dead horse if you KNOW you are? And what do you think you're going to get out of it? Even moreso, why would you WANT to be with a girl who clearly isn't into you?

I think that some people just don't get it. There might not be a rhyme or reason as to why or what they don't understand, but they don't. More or less, it's a form of social ineptitude, if you will. If nothing more, girls and other guys can learn from reading about these experiences.

What can they learn? A few things:

1. Don't act (or be) desperate. Just don't.
2. If someone clearly isn't interested, back off. If YOU got it wrong and they're interested even though you think they aren't, they'll come looking for YOU.
3. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you, not someone who ignores all of your efforts to get in touch with them.
4. A first date doesn't mean much. It's a first impression-- that's not only true but also important-- but it doesn't signify any kind of commitment or even true interest in the person. After all, you just met!

I'll end with one more thing. As the uninterested party we can't feel guilty. * We MUST at all times be polite, unless someone becomes verbally or physically forceful toward us. But you're not going to be with someone you're not crazy about (or, you shouldn't at least!) so no need to lead on a guy who's interested when you're not. Tell him you're done and move on. Eventually he'll have to, too.

*Note: we all end up on both sides of this equation at one point or another, we just might not be as dramatic as the people in the examples I listed)

What Goes Around Comes Around-- Really.

Back in the day, when I was a little college baby (man, I’m dating myself already!) I interned in the newsroom of a major business news magazine in Manhattan. It was beyond an amazing experience, maybe not the work itself but the whole living in the city as a 21 year old, staying out way too late, having a little too much fun and definitely spending a little more money than I should have been.
Years later (I won’t tell you how many though) I’m still using what I learned from my entire experience that summer. For example, I can still look back on the nights that I didn’t come home until the sun came up. Bad idea. Fun at the time, but really, bad idea. Going on dates with boring accountants? Also might seem like a good idea at the time, but when you’re sitting at the table in a Thai restaurant and your date can only discuss the best times to file your income taxes, you soon learn that accepting the date was also a bad idea.

But, of course, we also learn good ideas while misbehaving-- err, uh, having a good time-- during a more wild part of our lives. Who would have thought that it’s always wise to keep a little toilet paper in your purse when heading out to the bars? We really have no way of knowing when that place that offers $5 free refil Bud Lites will run out!

And that you should always be aware of your surroundings. You never know when you’ll overhear a fashion designer talking to a religious Jewish man in a 24-hour deli at 2:30am. They might both then ask your opinion on fabrics to pair for fashionable yalmukes, or Jewish head coverings. You also never know when a NYU law student will approach you while you’re eating hot dogs in the middle of the night in Union Square, offer to read your tarrot cards and, believe it or not, be correct in saying that you’re going to have a fabulous sexcapade in the fall. Not kidding here, by the way. Both really happened.

What I also learned was that it’s more useful than I realized to stay in contact with all of the people you meet on these interesting journeys. I certainly don’t have the name of the law student, and I definitely don’t know if the men in the diner ever successfully developed a JCrew-esque designer yalmukah line. I probably should have kept his card though-- who knows how famous he might be now!

I wouldn’t have realized but the people I met that summer have helped me in ways greater than they would have imagined since then. The intern coordinator at the magazine? Unbelievably kind and helpful whenever I email her with a writing question. My friends that I met at work? A couple are still close to me and help me get through each and every day at work-- thanks, Gchat!

But, what I’m realizing now is that these relationships really are reciprocal. I’m trying to not laugh out loud at my desk right now, but it’s hard not to. Here’s why:

I recently learned that a reporter from the magazine was in search of stories from real people who had quit their job in a funny way. I wasn’t sure that what I did to my awful boss was funny per se, but it was definitely a bit dramatic and perhaps just what this kid was looking for. (I wrote about my bad boss on this blog back on May 19th.)

Essentially I had been abused for months upon months but, like so many Americans, I couldn’t quit my job because I needed the health insurance and the money. But, when I finally had another job lined up, I happened to know that Mr. Asshole was on the side of the road somewhere waiting to get his car towed. I recognized that it was the perfect opportunity to finally stand up for myself, explain how I had been mistreated and quit my job. Ultimately, of course, this made his life more difficult-- he had to interview people and hire and train someone new. Poor baby. Real work can be exhausting!

Anyway, this supposedly is just the type of story that this writer was looking for. I don’t know that I would have qualified this story as “funny” but it’s certainly a good example of how, as I said in the last post, karma is a bitch. It also shows that it’s important to maintain our connections with other people, not just so we can help ourselves but so we can help others. In this case, I think I can aruge that I helped both the reporter and myself: he got his story, I got the satisfaction of saying my piece. Now I’m not out to hurt anyone or damage anyone’s reputation, but ahh, revenge is sweet, isn’t it?