Bitches in Stitches

A Little Housekeeping
So, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been signing my posts anymore. Actually, you probably haven’t realized this, or at least I hope you haven’t noticed this trivial little detail. I haven’t been signing because these posts have all been by me over the past couple of months. Because of a busy work schedule, S was unable to blog for a while. I’m happy to announce that she now can and does post her stories. Check out her blog, Sara For Sale, at www.saraforsale.blogspot.com. You can be sure that we’ll be writing some posts that go back and forth to each others’, mainly because on some things we think so similarly that it’s scary and, on others, you’d think we might as well have been born on different planets.

As for “Bitches in Stitches,” yes, we’re still both bitches and you better believe that we are still very much both in stitches quite a lot of the time! The blog name is too fun and way too accurate to give up. For that reason I’m keeping it even though I'm the only bitch writing. Or maybe because my readers are now the bitches in stitches. Either way, this blog is here to stay and I’ll now be linking you from time to time to bonus posts that S writes.

Now to the Point
Today is the first day that S. and I really decided that we should start linking our writing and, what a more perfect opportunity than the day after she had a little guy drama! Most of you can imagine-- if for no reason other than you do the same thing with your friends-- that S and I talk a lot of the day during work. All that talking sometimes leads to something productive like--oh hey-- this blog!

Apparently there’s some guy that S. has been on a number of dates with. He was supposed to cook her dinner tonight until he found out last minute that he has to take a client out tonight. Boss’s orders. It happens. So he was kind enough to call her in advance, reschedule for Sunday (good luck, S!) and, not only that, he apologized! He explained that he didn’t like that he had to do this, that he felt guilty about it, that he hates when work commitments come up unexpectedly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, S. was a little disappointed that she would’t have the chance to allow him to show off his culinary skills (and perhaps other skills...) tonight. But, was she mad like a lot of girls would be? No.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think a lot of girls (I’d even venture to say “a majority of girls”) would have been peeved, ticked off to the point that they’d be overtly angry. That, or it would be the girl stewing and not this boy’s dinner tonight. One or the other. I mean, it’s ok to be annoyed when we get blown off, right? (With the understanding that sometimes legitimate things do come up, like in this instance, of course!)

If this boy hadn’t rescheduled with her I’d argue that, duh, he’s just not that into her. But he did, so that’s something we don’t even have to consider here. What should be considered, though, is S’s reaction to the situation.

What did she do? She told him it was ok. She told him that really, he could stop apologizing. She understood what happened because, well, life happens.

And then she explained to him the most important part of all: she actually likes that he has commitments in his life that don’t involve her. It’s great that he has business plans and other social plans, she continued. I LIKE THAT HE HAS A LIFE, she remarked when telling me this morning.

This is one of those issues where S. and I are like a match made in heaven-- in terms of friendship, you wishful thinking boys! This is where I agree with her wholeheartedly that, yes, it’s great he has other elements of his life besides just pursuing his girl(s) of interest. He’s not focusing all of his energies on her (although you can bet he’s spending a great deal of time thinking about her!) and he’s allowing himself to continue his life pre-S. And that’s exactly how she wants it.

Of course I’m exaggerating a little. Sure it’s important that he fits her into his life if he wants her to be a part of it, and yes some things have to change in his routine in order to fit in a girl. Likewise, she also has to make an effort to fit HIM in. (Ew I don’t mean it like that! They haven’t had that many dates yet!!!) Every relationship takes some sort of time and effort, no matter if it’s brand new or decades old. But it shouldn’t take all of anyone’s time, or then it’s just what at least I personally would deem unhealthy.

It would honestly be very much peculiar if this boy were to drop everything and clear his calendar in order to spend every waking moment staring into her dreamy eyes and catering to her every need. It would even be weird if he cancelled poker night with his boys or dinner with his family just to spend time with her. She’d be freaked out, and rightly so.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is the importance of each person in a relationship having their own life. Sure, two lives can merge here and there, but really, it’s important to maintain separate activities and friends to some degree. S’s worst fear is basically that some guy will spend too much time doting on her. Maybe that’s not what most girls fear, but really, I think I have to go with her on this one. It’s just creepy if a guy gives up courtside seats to basketball games all the time just to see you. But once and a while, if you don’t tell anyone (shh!) I might admit that it’s kind of a nice compliment.

Which brings me back to my ultimate point: if he spends ALL his time with you always, it just doesn’t feel as special anymore, does it?


XOXO,
R

The Truth Behind the Tough Girl

I've always maintained that girls are meaner and more manipulative than guys. I've had boys and men do some pretty horrible things to me over the years, but rarely are their actions as calculative, cunning and downright evil as those I've observed from girls.

I think that I'm starting to understand-- on the most basic of levels-- why girls are so cruel to guys sometimes. This explanation and analysis is barely touching the tip of the iceberg, that much I know. But observing a conversation between two college aged girls this morning on the way to work really made me stop and think. It went something along the lines of this:

Girl A: "I was SO mean to him for all of August. Like really cold to him. We'd be at parties and I'd just flat out ignore him. Sometimes I'd even make a nasty comment. Then at the end of the night he'd come up to me and ask if everything was alright and I'd just say "yep!" and not let him know anything about what I was thinking. I'm a terrible person," she admitted with some edgy sarcasm and a giggle. Her friend's giggle echoed hers.

Girl B: "No I totally understand. I've been doing that, too! I'm so mean to him!"

Girl A: "Yea, that's just how it is. I think though when I was being mean I subconsciously realized that I was scared-- scared to have a boyfriend. I always freak out when some guy says we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. That's when I get so mean and back off!"

This blip of conversation gives me some insight into a part of girl-world that I like to distance myself from. One reason girls treat guys, as these two described it, "like shit," is because they're scared. It's frightening to think that maybe someone really likes us for who we are, and moreso to think that the other person will ultimately decide they don't like us. If we're mean, of course we won't get the guy of our dreams anyway, but at least it will be our fault in a direct sense and not because the guy decided he didn't like our kind, compassionate side.

So immediately when I arrived at work I went online and started talking to one of my friends who works nearby. I started telling her about the conversation that I had just witnessed. How could these girls be so blatently rude to their love interests? I wondered. If they're that mean, I thought, no guy will be interested in them, nevermind keep them as a girlfriend!

Sure, I've read books like Why Men Love Bitches where the author encourages girls to be tough and, at times, difficult, holding their ground without being swayed in any other direction. Being tough is one thing-- not putting out too early on into a relationship, not allowing the guy to always choose a restauarant or decide on the plans for the night. None of those books, though, and I really mean not one,encourage bitchiness or catty behavior.

My friend, we'll call her H., provided me with a seemingly accurate and to the point response:

"Honestly," she explained, "I think if I wreck things ahead of time I can't get rejected... because I already took care of it." She proceeded to add that "it's one of those things I do when I think I stand a chance and I can't believe my luck."

After thinking about her comment-- one that, really, when I consider it, makes sense-- I wondered what this all means. What could I do with this information, not only to help her realize that she's beyond worthy of a doting boyfriend, but also to help the boys in my life learn how to deal with their Ice Queen crushes?

First, it's important to realize that some girls really are downright mean and have very few redeeming qualities. It's unfortunate but it's true and a fact of life: there are just some people out there who are exceptionally mean and nasty. There's no changing that.

Beyond that select group of people, though, there are plenty of good-hearted, caring women who put up that tough facade to protect what's really some ultimate form of kindness mixed with fear on the inside. The issue at hand, of course, becomes the challenge of differentiating between the mean bitchy girls and the nice bitchy girls. (Sounds absurd, right?) This might be a silly analogy, but here's what I think of: when I'm eating a juicy Maine lobster-- OK this is going to be a quick analogy or I'm going to get too hungry-- the shell seems exceptionally tough and strong. When I finally crack it and get to its meat, its sweet and juicy and feels like all of the effort was very much worth the work.

Should girls be kind up front? Of course. Is there ever a reason to be bitchy? Definitely not. But do girls, just like men, feel the need to protect themselves from potentially hurtful situations? Duh, of course.

So to all of my guy friends out here, this is my thinking-- you've gotta crack that lobster, baby. You've gotta work hard to get to the very core of that girl, the girl you truly believe is sweet on the inside, even if she displays a hard shell. We're all scared at times to take risks, but of course if we never do we'll never get where we really want to be in life.

But, girls, don't make the guy do all of the work. I know it's hard to believe, but not every man out there is out there to hurt us. In fact, many represent the very opposite: they dream of making our lives easier and more pleasant. We've just got to let them in-- with proper protection, of course! :)

XOXO,
R.

A Commentary on Our Generation

It's true: my job isn't very intellectually stimulating. Sure, I have days where I'm crazed, days where I don't know which task to tackle first. All in all, though, as my friends so lovingly joke, I'm someone's "bitch." (Sorry to all you feminists out there, but it's true.) I support someone else, an MD who runs research labs that have discovered countless genes-- discoveries that have already saved some labs and will hopefully save many more in the future. Did I go to a highly-recognized school to support another person? No. Did my family have to shell out well over $200,000 just so that I could earn my meager salary that pays the rent but doesn't allow for a ton of disposable income? Nope, definitely not.

That said, I'm happy. Really, I am. OK, I know that doesn't sound convincing, but you just have to take my word for it. On a miserably humid day like today, I'm thankful that I don't believe in that I'm not drenched in sweat chasing four year olds through a sprinkler at camp like I used to back in the day. (I'm more grateful that I'm not cleaning up after their accidents post-sprinkler on any day.) In fact, I'm sitting here with a smile on my face (on the inside at least) because I'm covered in goosebumps from the chill of my office's air conditioning. And on days like this, believe me, it feels amazing to be inside a freezing high-rise in my jail-like cubicle; my small salary feels worthwhile. Plus, I work for a great company and with and for great people, so really, who am I to complain?

Overall, though, I am grateful. My job can feel "below me" at times and it for sure isn't comfortable getting myself out of bed and into the unpleasant weather, only to sit at my desk to schedule someone else's appointments and apply for his multi-million dollar grants. But each and every time that I feel like this flat out sucks (aint no classier way to say it, honestly) I remind myself-- thankfully I'm not at home. I also try to remind myself that maybe in some indirect way I'm helping others-- if I schedule my boss's time to take a breath or eat a bite of sandwich, I'm helping to manage his time so he can save lives.

Now, please understand, I'm not knocking any of my friends who are at home and living with their parents. I understand that people have loans to pay and that many people can't get jobs during these unfortunate times. I mean, according to the most recent estimates, almost 10% of the American population can't get a job. That's nothing to laugh at. As they say, tough times call for tough measures, and those measures might include moving back into a childhood home with a mom and dad who insist on attaching a GPS armband to their kid to monitor their whereabouts at all times.

What I don't respect, though, are the people who could find themselves financially capable of moving out and being on their own, but are unwilling to take any job that they consider to be in that "below them" range. I have plenty of friends like that-- friends who won't take a job that pays a decent salary because they don't immediately sense any upward mobility coming from that position.

As I rode the subway this morning-- my ultimate destination after Starbucks being this cubicle, of course-- I skimmed The New York Times as I always do. Now I wasn't actively thinking about this whole having a job vs. not having a job concept, but I think it's always in the back of my mind during my commutes. Anyway, one of the top ten articles, American Dream Is Elusive for New Generation: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/07/business/economy/07generation.html?_r=1&hp. The article essentially profiles a guy who's a couple of years older than me who sits home unemployed day after day. He turned down a job that offered him a $40,000 salary, feeling it would fail to lead him in a worthwhile direction and that the pay was too low. Meanwhile, his parents support him: they pay his rent, his cellphone bills and allow him send out only four or five resumes per week. (They're, of course, not enablers or anything.)

Let me tell you that when I was looking for work, I sent in close to fifty resumes per day. I did anything that I could to land a job. When I was looking to switch from one job that was too unbearable to the next, I was even willing to take a pay cut. A pay cut! Anything to maintain my independence. I would have rather sat and answered phones all day (with memories of my undergraduate career lurking in the background) just to be able to pay my own way. No job, I realized, is below me, and it shames me to think that so many of my peers are willing to mooch off their parents-- the same parents who have already supported them for well over twenty years-- just because they don't want to do something that, to them, feels degrading.

I don't know much about the business world, but I do know this: it looks much better to be doing a job like mine than to be sitting home and watching TV all day. No employer wants to know that a candidate spent the past sixteen months watching Hoarders and The Bachelor on DVR and Seinfeld on syndication. Getting up and going to work every day-- whether it's working construction or as an investment banker or scrubbing filthy toilets-- is a much more valuable use of your time.

So, to the people of my generation, I have to say that I almost plead with you: get up and do something. Prove your intelligence and your good work ethic, and that The New York Times has been portraying us incorrectly. And for the love of God, drop that Chipotle burrito, get off your parents' couch, erase that higher-than-though attitude from your mind, and work hard like the rest of us. Our grandparents, great-grandparents, even our parents did it, and there's no reason we shouldn't.


XOXO,
R.

PS: For more on how others perceive members of our generation, please see this article from a May edition of the New York Times Magazine: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30fob-wwln-t.html. Again, another reason to prove everyone wrong.