Legally Married... and Dating with Permission

I’ve heard some pretty interesting stories of ex-spouses over the years. People who were divorced yet would still share a bed with their (mutual) children also living in the house. Couples who split legally yet would still date and even sleep together. Personally, I thought the point of divorce was to divorce yourself from your partner, but maybe I’ve been mislead all this time.

Then there are the stories of those not actually divorced (in fact, they’re still married) yet one or both of the partners has another significant other on the side. Whoa, confusing even in writing it, no? One example in particular pops into my mind. I know of a couple who have been married for years and years. Their lengthy marriage, though, didn’t stop a third character from entering their relationship. The husband has had a longtime girlfriend, but in no way has that caused his wife to end things with him.

In fact, what has happened since the introduction of this second woman is completely counter intuitive. You’d think the wife would be horrified, right? That she’d obviously leave her husband immediately? Nope, not at all. I know you won’t believe it when I say it, but now the couple has turned into a threesome-- although I don’t mean that in the sexual way. Perhaps I really should mean in that way, but I don’t know the details in that department.

What I do know, though, is that the three are often spotted out to dinner together and sometimes show up at parties as a group. I don’t know the specifics of their arrangement and I certainly have no idea how a wife is comfortable with sharing her husband with another lady. But maybe that’s not important. If it works for them, who am I to judge?

So for the entire time that I’ve know about this situation, I had foolishly assumed that it was unique. Who would have known, though, that these people were, in essence, a product of their time, foreshadowing an up and coming trend in America?

This week, The New York Times’s Pamela Paul just published a story called The Un-Divorced. (See http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/01/fashion/01Undivorced.html). I quote the following paragraph regarding Warrn Buffet from her article-- a statement that seems to parallel the previously described scenario:

Mr. Buffett separated from his wife, Susan, in 1977 but remained married to her until her death in 2004. All the while, he lived with Astrid Menks; they married in 2006. The threesome remained close, even sending out holiday cards signed, “Warren, Susan and Astrid.”

Um... right. A holiday card from the three of them. That’s just as normal as if they were to birth a child with genes from all three of them.

Here’s another interesting one:

Jann and Jane Wenner separated in 1995 after 28 years but are still married, despite Mr. Wenner’s romantic relationship with a man.

It’s interesting to note that Wenner not only has three sons with his wife, but also another three children with his partner. Again, another situation that, at least to me, is so difficult to comprehend and rationalize that it’s difficult to type.

Now, I, for one, certainly would want to remain married and committed (legally at least) to a man who was romantically involved with another man. There’s nothing I’d want more, in fact, than to share the man I’ve committed myself to with another person. But that’s just me.

Anyway, it’s important to read the entire article to get a full picture of this current sociological trend. What I think the article provides us with, though, is an interesting commentary on the current state of living in the US.

How pathetic is it, for example, that people have to stay married just so that they can share health insurance? Or what about the fact that the legalities of divorce can be so difficult to navigate that people would rather remain components of an unhappy marriage than to deal with the obstacles of the system?

At the end of the piece, the author makes the point that “not being divorced is also an excuse not to marry.”

Touché.

Would you really have the energy in you to remarry if you had just spent decades sharing your “soulmate” with another person? At that point, I’d rather just be alone-- without any cats, thank you very much-- than to deal with marriage ever again.

Shut up about your goddamn boyfriend already!

"You can't tell anyone this," my friend whispered to me in her dorm room, "but I don't really find my fiance to be all that attractive. I mean, I've grown to love him I guess, but he's not that good looking."

Yep, you read that right: "dorm room" and "fiance" were actually used in the same sentence purposefully. This was coming from a girl who, two years earlier, had broken up with a serious boyfriend and, during her mourning period, cried hysterically about how she would no longer have anyone to marry. Guess her fate changed. If nothing more, she certainly had worked for it, even if she was ending up with someone she deemed unattractive just for the sake of having someone to permanently call her own.

Regardless of her attraction, though, this friend never failed to boast about having a boyfriend, forget about her friends as he crept further into the picture or call him instead of walking with her peers between classes. And this situation--to say the least-- perfectly exemplifies why I can't stand most girls in relationships.

Before I go on, there are a few things that should be made clear. First of all, I don't hate all people in relationships, as I will expand upon further below. Furthermore, I still maintain this sentiment without care to my romantic situation; whether I'm madly in love or just starting to see someone or recovering from a bad breakup, my views towards couples still persevere.

There is nothing worse than hearing a girl incessantly refer to that man in her life as her "boyfriend." Ladies, I understand the importance of having a label on what you are. It solidifies what stands as the true situation, makes you comfortable that the party is only in your pants, and not some other girl's too. But really though, does your grandfatherly neighbor need to know that the guy who took out your trash is your boyfriend as opposed to your brother or friend or one-night-stand that you so horribly regret? Do you really think he cares?

I get it that you're happy or at least pretending to be. At the very least, you want others to think you're happy. That's all OK, but I think it's important to remember those around us who aren't. No one likes a girl who flaunts her couple-status in the faces of those kindhearted women who just simply haven't found Mr. Right yet. And just like with anything else, no one appreciates a bragger. Ever.

Even those who hate the bragging the most still might get jealous. The jealousy, in turn, adds a whole other dimension to the negative emotions simultaneously storming your psyche. Ultimately, this mixture of emotions can cause your friends to gravitate away from you, something we all want to avoid for obvious reasons.

There are times, though, when it seems like talking about a significant-other transitions from annoying and irritating to something observers can actually be happy about. I recently discussed this in the car with two girlfriends:

"I love hanging out with you guys," I said, exceptionally aware of the abrupt and blunt nature of my impending commentary. "And I'm not even jealous of you. I'm legitimately happy for you," I explained, referring to one of their relationships with a fiance, the other with a serious boyfriend.

"Yea, you know why that is?" one shot back. "Because you know that the two of us have both been through hell and back with the number of bad men we dated before we found these."

I immediately recognized the validity of her statement-- both girls had experienced the worst of the worst dating sagas. They were painstakingly aware of how hard our wild world makes it to find someone who cares for them who is also attractive and fun and loving and smart and sweet.

It's much easier to feel legitimate happiness towards a truly loving couple who struggled to find each other over years and years of dating, versus those who simply yearned to find significant others for the sake of a title. Point of the story–- it's a lot easier to respect girls who have had a little taste of every type of man before they meet their perfect one. And NO, I don't mean that in the literal sense, you pervs!

XOXO,
R.