WHY I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON A MAN TO SUPPORT ME.

I’ve got a problem. I’ve become a feminist. I’ve never been a feminist before and, quite honestly, I’m not really sure what to make of it or how to deal with it. Before you go off thinking that I’m about to be burning my bra and protesting the male race, hear me out.

It recently occurred to me that I value my education, acquired skills and the mere fact that I have a job and an income. At this point in life there are very few things that are worth more to me than being able to support myself financially, pay my own bills and, as a result, not have to answer to anyone or anything besides myself. Maybe that’s being selfish, not feminist, but I personally still think it’s a little bit more feministy than I’ve ever been in the past.

I have to take a step back and wonder why this whole overarching “job” and “career” and “financial stability” concept is so important to me right now. Why this second? Why do I care?

First off, I realize that at some points during my educational career I worked hard for my grades. Sure, in college I slacked off plenty, but just being in college (physically) was work on its own-- both emotionally and academically. But moreso emotionally. (Hey, it’s tough to learn how to share a living space with conniving girls or to deal with that best friend whose idea of a good time is to get wasted and then destroy property!) Second, I realize that I’m goddamned lucky to have a job during these years that are so difficult financially for most Americans.

After considering these two things, I then think about so many girls my age whose only wish (whether or not they have yet fulfilled it) is to get married and have babies. Now, I’m not about to argue that either of those are bad things in themselves, but I will defend my opinion to the death that there is a proper time and place for these things to happen in our lives. Just as much as it wouldn’t have been appropriate to pop out a few kids in high school, it wouldn’t be the ideal time in my life now, either. I’m 23 and baby, I’ve got this decade to live without the hassel of raising my own family. I need to raise MYSELF before I can be responsible for anyone else. I just envision myself encouraging a child to make their bed or maintain a healthy diet when I don’t yet do it myself. Those alone provide an instant reminder that I’m not ready.

I also have decided that if I were, in theory, to just quit my job to get married and have kids, it would demonstrate a complete lack of ambition. Don’t get me wrong, I understand how challenging it is to raise a kid and maintain a household even without a job. As Oprah says, being a mom is the hardest job in the world. But if I were to marry someone in order to have kids right now for any other purpose other than for love, it would not only be not only unfair to the guy, but really unfair to myself. Why shouldn’t I be in a position to strive to improve upon or advance in my career? Do I really want to have to trust one person’s dealings at work to ensure my own monetary stability? Why should he have to do all of the work outside the house to support me when I have a perfectly worthy college degree?

All in all, it comes down to one thing: I don’t want to be lazy. I’d like to think that I have more personality, education and intelligence than to just give up my outside world to rely on some husband’s paychecks so I can clean toilets and do laundry all day. There is absolutely no reason for me to resign myself to a life at home watching soaps while the baby sleeps. It’s early enough in time that I can still prove myself as my own person out there in the working world while saving time in the future to both have a family and a career.

Besides, the workplace is often the best place for me to get story ideas. And we all know I wouldn’t get to maintain this blog, one of my favorite things to write, if I didn’t have interesting stories. I’d rather be writing from my Cloroxed cubicle than from a rocking chair as a baby spits up on me, thank you very much.

The Good on Paper Guy

::Author's Note::

As you may or may not already know, I'm currently in the process of writing a book-- a humorous anthology of stories of bad dates with men, narrated by women. In my search, I've come across some pretty silly, ridiculous and absurd stories from women all around the country. Melinda, a professional organizer from Texas who has her own blog, sent me her account of her worst date ever. After some back and forth, I realized that she'd be the perfect person to be my first guest blogger on this site. Not only that, but her story, one that became the focus of this post, relates to a topic that I was planning on writing about anyway.

So, read her blog. Enjoy it. Try to laugh. And, if you find that her story inspires you, write to me. I'm always looking for other guest bloggers and for new stories for my book. I'd love to include my readers in any or all of my endeavors.

The Good on Paper Guy

We all know him. You’ve probably even dated him once or twice. In case you’re lucky enough to have never run into this type, the good on paper guy is a guy that has every great quality going for him – good looks, great job, the car, then house, etc., ect. -

On paper.

However the live version just doesn’t add up. Something in real life is very different than the “paper version.” And it’s not good. Its seems to me like these guys have spent all of their time cultivating how they look on paper without focusing on themselves in real life. You may not always recognize what is off immediately, but it’s there.

Then there’s the time when the “off” reveals itself in fine fashion.

I met my good on paper guy through an online dating site. Good looking, great job, great personality. Everything a girl would want was right there, just leaping off the page. Emails were witty and phone calls just flowed effortlessly and crackled with chemistry.

So far, so good, right?

We set up a time to meet in person over dinner. He chose a really fantastic tapas restaurant. We started with a couple of cocktails. In person, as over the phone, conversation just flowed and snapped with wit. We order, contemplating all the choices and decide on an assortment to share – including lamb chops.

We’re finishing up entrees when he picks up the bone from his lamb chop and starts gnawing it clean! It would be one thing if we were at a BBQ joint, but we’re in a really nice restaurant and he was wearing a suit! Then, he reaches over to my plate, takes the lamb chop bone off my plate and cleans it off too. No “are you done with that?” or anything. Just grabbed and chewed! We’ve barely had physical contact past a hand shake and he’s putting the bone I ate from in his mouth. I was horrified but somehow managed to pretend it wasn’t happening. I just kept talking, looked away and took a drink from my cocktail. I could have won an Oscar for how well I pretended that didn’t just happen.

Later in our conversation (I stayed for dessert – I felt at this point that I’d really earned dessert), he brought up chewing off of my lamb chop bone. I told him that I wasn’t going to mention it but now that he brought it up, I thought that was pretty gross and inappropriate for the setting and a first date. Then he tells me that it was a TEST to see how I’d react. Apparently, he’d gone out with wretched women before that didn’t know how to act or something but he was testing me to see how I’d react to outlandish things. I told him I was raised right and my mother taught me how to behave in public. I also told him that this was our first and last date because testing me isn’t the best way to start off any type of relationship.

So here it is - starting any relationship, be it professional, friendship or romantic with a “test” is always a bad idea because it immediately puts doubt and mistrust into the foundation. Sure in theory I passed, but do you really want to be unknowingly tested when you were just out to meet someone and hopefully have a good time?

Being “good on paper” is worth absolutely nothing without a real person inside to back it up.

And, unless expressly invited, keep your hands off my dinner plate!

When not out creating more entertaining or bad date stories, Melinda is a professional organizer located in Fort Worth, TX. If your home is a hot mess, she can make it fabulous through her unique, effortlessly chic ideas and meticulous organization. You can learn more about her and her work at www.melindamassie.com and read more of her tips and advice on her blog, Organizing with a Side of Fabulous, at www.fabulousorganization.wordpress.com.

Legally Married... and Dating with Permission

I’ve heard some pretty interesting stories of ex-spouses over the years. People who were divorced yet would still share a bed with their (mutual) children also living in the house. Couples who split legally yet would still date and even sleep together. Personally, I thought the point of divorce was to divorce yourself from your partner, but maybe I’ve been mislead all this time.

Then there are the stories of those not actually divorced (in fact, they’re still married) yet one or both of the partners has another significant other on the side. Whoa, confusing even in writing it, no? One example in particular pops into my mind. I know of a couple who have been married for years and years. Their lengthy marriage, though, didn’t stop a third character from entering their relationship. The husband has had a longtime girlfriend, but in no way has that caused his wife to end things with him.

In fact, what has happened since the introduction of this second woman is completely counter intuitive. You’d think the wife would be horrified, right? That she’d obviously leave her husband immediately? Nope, not at all. I know you won’t believe it when I say it, but now the couple has turned into a threesome-- although I don’t mean that in the sexual way. Perhaps I really should mean in that way, but I don’t know the details in that department.

What I do know, though, is that the three are often spotted out to dinner together and sometimes show up at parties as a group. I don’t know the specifics of their arrangement and I certainly have no idea how a wife is comfortable with sharing her husband with another lady. But maybe that’s not important. If it works for them, who am I to judge?

So for the entire time that I’ve know about this situation, I had foolishly assumed that it was unique. Who would have known, though, that these people were, in essence, a product of their time, foreshadowing an up and coming trend in America?

This week, The New York Times’s Pamela Paul just published a story called The Un-Divorced. (See http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/01/fashion/01Undivorced.html). I quote the following paragraph regarding Warrn Buffet from her article-- a statement that seems to parallel the previously described scenario:

Mr. Buffett separated from his wife, Susan, in 1977 but remained married to her until her death in 2004. All the while, he lived with Astrid Menks; they married in 2006. The threesome remained close, even sending out holiday cards signed, “Warren, Susan and Astrid.”

Um... right. A holiday card from the three of them. That’s just as normal as if they were to birth a child with genes from all three of them.

Here’s another interesting one:

Jann and Jane Wenner separated in 1995 after 28 years but are still married, despite Mr. Wenner’s romantic relationship with a man.

It’s interesting to note that Wenner not only has three sons with his wife, but also another three children with his partner. Again, another situation that, at least to me, is so difficult to comprehend and rationalize that it’s difficult to type.

Now, I, for one, certainly would want to remain married and committed (legally at least) to a man who was romantically involved with another man. There’s nothing I’d want more, in fact, than to share the man I’ve committed myself to with another person. But that’s just me.

Anyway, it’s important to read the entire article to get a full picture of this current sociological trend. What I think the article provides us with, though, is an interesting commentary on the current state of living in the US.

How pathetic is it, for example, that people have to stay married just so that they can share health insurance? Or what about the fact that the legalities of divorce can be so difficult to navigate that people would rather remain components of an unhappy marriage than to deal with the obstacles of the system?

At the end of the piece, the author makes the point that “not being divorced is also an excuse not to marry.”

Touché.

Would you really have the energy in you to remarry if you had just spent decades sharing your “soulmate” with another person? At that point, I’d rather just be alone-- without any cats, thank you very much-- than to deal with marriage ever again.