WHY I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON A MAN TO SUPPORT ME.

I’ve got a problem. I’ve become a feminist. I’ve never been a feminist before and, quite honestly, I’m not really sure what to make of it or how to deal with it. Before you go off thinking that I’m about to be burning my bra and protesting the male race, hear me out.

It recently occurred to me that I value my education, acquired skills and the mere fact that I have a job and an income. At this point in life there are very few things that are worth more to me than being able to support myself financially, pay my own bills and, as a result, not have to answer to anyone or anything besides myself. Maybe that’s being selfish, not feminist, but I personally still think it’s a little bit more feministy than I’ve ever been in the past.

I have to take a step back and wonder why this whole overarching “job” and “career” and “financial stability” concept is so important to me right now. Why this second? Why do I care?

First off, I realize that at some points during my educational career I worked hard for my grades. Sure, in college I slacked off plenty, but just being in college (physically) was work on its own-- both emotionally and academically. But moreso emotionally. (Hey, it’s tough to learn how to share a living space with conniving girls or to deal with that best friend whose idea of a good time is to get wasted and then destroy property!) Second, I realize that I’m goddamned lucky to have a job during these years that are so difficult financially for most Americans.

After considering these two things, I then think about so many girls my age whose only wish (whether or not they have yet fulfilled it) is to get married and have babies. Now, I’m not about to argue that either of those are bad things in themselves, but I will defend my opinion to the death that there is a proper time and place for these things to happen in our lives. Just as much as it wouldn’t have been appropriate to pop out a few kids in high school, it wouldn’t be the ideal time in my life now, either. I’m 23 and baby, I’ve got this decade to live without the hassel of raising my own family. I need to raise MYSELF before I can be responsible for anyone else. I just envision myself encouraging a child to make their bed or maintain a healthy diet when I don’t yet do it myself. Those alone provide an instant reminder that I’m not ready.

I also have decided that if I were, in theory, to just quit my job to get married and have kids, it would demonstrate a complete lack of ambition. Don’t get me wrong, I understand how challenging it is to raise a kid and maintain a household even without a job. As Oprah says, being a mom is the hardest job in the world. But if I were to marry someone in order to have kids right now for any other purpose other than for love, it would not only be not only unfair to the guy, but really unfair to myself. Why shouldn’t I be in a position to strive to improve upon or advance in my career? Do I really want to have to trust one person’s dealings at work to ensure my own monetary stability? Why should he have to do all of the work outside the house to support me when I have a perfectly worthy college degree?

All in all, it comes down to one thing: I don’t want to be lazy. I’d like to think that I have more personality, education and intelligence than to just give up my outside world to rely on some husband’s paychecks so I can clean toilets and do laundry all day. There is absolutely no reason for me to resign myself to a life at home watching soaps while the baby sleeps. It’s early enough in time that I can still prove myself as my own person out there in the working world while saving time in the future to both have a family and a career.

Besides, the workplace is often the best place for me to get story ideas. And we all know I wouldn’t get to maintain this blog, one of my favorite things to write, if I didn’t have interesting stories. I’d rather be writing from my Cloroxed cubicle than from a rocking chair as a baby spits up on me, thank you very much.

The Good on Paper Guy

::Author's Note::

As you may or may not already know, I'm currently in the process of writing a book-- a humorous anthology of stories of bad dates with men, narrated by women. In my search, I've come across some pretty silly, ridiculous and absurd stories from women all around the country. Melinda, a professional organizer from Texas who has her own blog, sent me her account of her worst date ever. After some back and forth, I realized that she'd be the perfect person to be my first guest blogger on this site. Not only that, but her story, one that became the focus of this post, relates to a topic that I was planning on writing about anyway.

So, read her blog. Enjoy it. Try to laugh. And, if you find that her story inspires you, write to me. I'm always looking for other guest bloggers and for new stories for my book. I'd love to include my readers in any or all of my endeavors.

The Good on Paper Guy

We all know him. You’ve probably even dated him once or twice. In case you’re lucky enough to have never run into this type, the good on paper guy is a guy that has every great quality going for him – good looks, great job, the car, then house, etc., ect. -

On paper.

However the live version just doesn’t add up. Something in real life is very different than the “paper version.” And it’s not good. Its seems to me like these guys have spent all of their time cultivating how they look on paper without focusing on themselves in real life. You may not always recognize what is off immediately, but it’s there.

Then there’s the time when the “off” reveals itself in fine fashion.

I met my good on paper guy through an online dating site. Good looking, great job, great personality. Everything a girl would want was right there, just leaping off the page. Emails were witty and phone calls just flowed effortlessly and crackled with chemistry.

So far, so good, right?

We set up a time to meet in person over dinner. He chose a really fantastic tapas restaurant. We started with a couple of cocktails. In person, as over the phone, conversation just flowed and snapped with wit. We order, contemplating all the choices and decide on an assortment to share – including lamb chops.

We’re finishing up entrees when he picks up the bone from his lamb chop and starts gnawing it clean! It would be one thing if we were at a BBQ joint, but we’re in a really nice restaurant and he was wearing a suit! Then, he reaches over to my plate, takes the lamb chop bone off my plate and cleans it off too. No “are you done with that?” or anything. Just grabbed and chewed! We’ve barely had physical contact past a hand shake and he’s putting the bone I ate from in his mouth. I was horrified but somehow managed to pretend it wasn’t happening. I just kept talking, looked away and took a drink from my cocktail. I could have won an Oscar for how well I pretended that didn’t just happen.

Later in our conversation (I stayed for dessert – I felt at this point that I’d really earned dessert), he brought up chewing off of my lamb chop bone. I told him that I wasn’t going to mention it but now that he brought it up, I thought that was pretty gross and inappropriate for the setting and a first date. Then he tells me that it was a TEST to see how I’d react. Apparently, he’d gone out with wretched women before that didn’t know how to act or something but he was testing me to see how I’d react to outlandish things. I told him I was raised right and my mother taught me how to behave in public. I also told him that this was our first and last date because testing me isn’t the best way to start off any type of relationship.

So here it is - starting any relationship, be it professional, friendship or romantic with a “test” is always a bad idea because it immediately puts doubt and mistrust into the foundation. Sure in theory I passed, but do you really want to be unknowingly tested when you were just out to meet someone and hopefully have a good time?

Being “good on paper” is worth absolutely nothing without a real person inside to back it up.

And, unless expressly invited, keep your hands off my dinner plate!

When not out creating more entertaining or bad date stories, Melinda is a professional organizer located in Fort Worth, TX. If your home is a hot mess, she can make it fabulous through her unique, effortlessly chic ideas and meticulous organization. You can learn more about her and her work at www.melindamassie.com and read more of her tips and advice on her blog, Organizing with a Side of Fabulous, at www.fabulousorganization.wordpress.com.

Bitches in Stitches

A Little Housekeeping
So, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been signing my posts anymore. Actually, you probably haven’t realized this, or at least I hope you haven’t noticed this trivial little detail. I haven’t been signing because these posts have all been by me over the past couple of months. Because of a busy work schedule, S was unable to blog for a while. I’m happy to announce that she now can and does post her stories. Check out her blog, Sara For Sale, at www.saraforsale.blogspot.com. You can be sure that we’ll be writing some posts that go back and forth to each others’, mainly because on some things we think so similarly that it’s scary and, on others, you’d think we might as well have been born on different planets.

As for “Bitches in Stitches,” yes, we’re still both bitches and you better believe that we are still very much both in stitches quite a lot of the time! The blog name is too fun and way too accurate to give up. For that reason I’m keeping it even though I'm the only bitch writing. Or maybe because my readers are now the bitches in stitches. Either way, this blog is here to stay and I’ll now be linking you from time to time to bonus posts that S writes.

Now to the Point
Today is the first day that S. and I really decided that we should start linking our writing and, what a more perfect opportunity than the day after she had a little guy drama! Most of you can imagine-- if for no reason other than you do the same thing with your friends-- that S and I talk a lot of the day during work. All that talking sometimes leads to something productive like--oh hey-- this blog!

Apparently there’s some guy that S. has been on a number of dates with. He was supposed to cook her dinner tonight until he found out last minute that he has to take a client out tonight. Boss’s orders. It happens. So he was kind enough to call her in advance, reschedule for Sunday (good luck, S!) and, not only that, he apologized! He explained that he didn’t like that he had to do this, that he felt guilty about it, that he hates when work commitments come up unexpectedly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, S. was a little disappointed that she would’t have the chance to allow him to show off his culinary skills (and perhaps other skills...) tonight. But, was she mad like a lot of girls would be? No.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think a lot of girls (I’d even venture to say “a majority of girls”) would have been peeved, ticked off to the point that they’d be overtly angry. That, or it would be the girl stewing and not this boy’s dinner tonight. One or the other. I mean, it’s ok to be annoyed when we get blown off, right? (With the understanding that sometimes legitimate things do come up, like in this instance, of course!)

If this boy hadn’t rescheduled with her I’d argue that, duh, he’s just not that into her. But he did, so that’s something we don’t even have to consider here. What should be considered, though, is S’s reaction to the situation.

What did she do? She told him it was ok. She told him that really, he could stop apologizing. She understood what happened because, well, life happens.

And then she explained to him the most important part of all: she actually likes that he has commitments in his life that don’t involve her. It’s great that he has business plans and other social plans, she continued. I LIKE THAT HE HAS A LIFE, she remarked when telling me this morning.

This is one of those issues where S. and I are like a match made in heaven-- in terms of friendship, you wishful thinking boys! This is where I agree with her wholeheartedly that, yes, it’s great he has other elements of his life besides just pursuing his girl(s) of interest. He’s not focusing all of his energies on her (although you can bet he’s spending a great deal of time thinking about her!) and he’s allowing himself to continue his life pre-S. And that’s exactly how she wants it.

Of course I’m exaggerating a little. Sure it’s important that he fits her into his life if he wants her to be a part of it, and yes some things have to change in his routine in order to fit in a girl. Likewise, she also has to make an effort to fit HIM in. (Ew I don’t mean it like that! They haven’t had that many dates yet!!!) Every relationship takes some sort of time and effort, no matter if it’s brand new or decades old. But it shouldn’t take all of anyone’s time, or then it’s just what at least I personally would deem unhealthy.

It would honestly be very much peculiar if this boy were to drop everything and clear his calendar in order to spend every waking moment staring into her dreamy eyes and catering to her every need. It would even be weird if he cancelled poker night with his boys or dinner with his family just to spend time with her. She’d be freaked out, and rightly so.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is the importance of each person in a relationship having their own life. Sure, two lives can merge here and there, but really, it’s important to maintain separate activities and friends to some degree. S’s worst fear is basically that some guy will spend too much time doting on her. Maybe that’s not what most girls fear, but really, I think I have to go with her on this one. It’s just creepy if a guy gives up courtside seats to basketball games all the time just to see you. But once and a while, if you don’t tell anyone (shh!) I might admit that it’s kind of a nice compliment.

Which brings me back to my ultimate point: if he spends ALL his time with you always, it just doesn’t feel as special anymore, does it?


XOXO,
R

Here’s a New One: American Royalty Marries a Jew

When a friend suggested that I blog about Chelsea Clinton’s wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, I definitely considered it but wasn’t really sure what angle to take. Everyone and their mom had been speculating about this wedding and its celebration for weeks, yet all we seemed to know for sure was that the guests would be using rented porcelain porta-potties. And now, even though it’s after the fact, we don’t know a ton more about the event, although we do know that the food options included vegan and vegetarian and gluten-free choices-- the most thrilling and important details, of course.

So I got it into my head that I’d write about the wedding. As did everyone else who writes anything about current events, celebrity gossip or anything relating to the two. But what, really, could I comment on that would be unique and not yet over-written?

Discuss how Chelsea married a Jewish man, of course, this friend suggested. Not only that, but also how so many “famous” gentile women in America have chosen to marry Jewish in recent times.

Granted, this friend is a much better follower of Perez Hilton (www.perezhilton.com) and is much more up to date with her celebrity juice than I am, but I realized she was right. This has become a more common occurrence recently-- or at least a more media covered trend. She also referenced Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner as another prime and relevant example.

This idea was still brewing in my head as I stumbled across a New York Times article this morning: Interfaith Marriages Stir Mixed Feelings by Joseph Berger. (See http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/04/us/04interfaith.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=clinton&st=cse). First off, let it be known that this author references the same trend, especially by noting that Caroline Kennedy married Edwin A. Schlossberg, a Jew internationally recognized for design, writing and art. The point here? My friend clearly recognized a rage before the NY Times was able to write about it. Good work, RM!

What’s interesting about this article, though, is how it illustrates the important role of religion in this ex-Presidential daughter’s big day. Sure, many interfaith weddings incorporate traditions from both of the spouse’s faiths, but in this wedding the Jewish aspects were especially apparent. Not only were the two married under a chuppah, or marriage cannopy, but they also signed a Jewish marriage licsense, called a ketubah. In addition, the groom wore a Jewish prayer shawl, which, as the author noted, “even many Jewish grooms marrying Jewish brides do not wear.”

Why is all this important? Who’s going to care in a couple of years what Chelsea Clinton’s husband wore to their wedding? Don’t get me wrong, but I think if you were to ask Joan Rivers or anyone on the E! channel, it’s most important that Chelsea wore an elegant Vera Wang gown? I didn’t think that people usually commented on the groom’s attire because, let’s be honest, it’s not usually that unique or important. Unless he’s sporting his dog’s leash with his dog attached as he walks down the aisle. Then it’d be worth commenting on. And, believe me, it’s been done before.

What this article really proves, though, is that it’s become more acceptable on a societal level for both non-Jews (like Chelsea) to marry Jews, and, on the contrary, for Jews to marry outside of their faith. We see here that it has become more or less acceptable for Chelsea, a girl who is basically as close to American royalty as they come, to-- dare I say it-- marry a Jewish man. Perhaps years ago important political figures wouldn’t have wanted their daughter marrying someone whose grandmother probably stuffs everyone silly at the table with matzoh balls and kugel. However, it seems that our society has now transcended some boundaries somewhere along the way to make this happen.

Of course plenty of people (even many reading this) still find themselves opposed to this move on the part of Chelsea. Not only that, but countless people disapprove of a “nice Jewish boy” marrying a practicing Methodist.

But really, it’s interesting to take a step back and look at this situation critically from a distance. We’ve made huge steps in terms of acceptance and equality in this country. And, before you know it, maybe the White House will be serving corned beef sandwiches and kosher dill pickles for lunch. Really, you never know! After all, Michelle Obama’s cousin is Jewish, too... but that’s a whole other story.

For now, though, let’s recognize that this event in some ways marked a momentous occasion not only for the Clintons but for people of various non-Christian religions in America. Oh, yea, and that Chelsea’s wedding cost more than most of us make in the first decade of our working careers. But who’s keeping track, anyway?

The Hardest Part of Life After College: Eating?!?

Life after college can be an adjustment, that's for sure. We leave that campus that we've come to know and love-- beer cans, puke piles, libraries and all-- and get shoved into that adult life that most of us really don't want to face. But real life is a reality, and a harsh one sometimes.

When we graduate and eventually get jobs and apartments, we know things have changed in our lives. Maybe it's that mommy and daddy are no longer supporting us financially or that we finally have to learn how to scrub a toilet for the first time. We're not used to having our friends a couple of miles away, nevermind across the country or even, in some instances, across the world. We all go our separate ways and the vast majority of us survive. Our parents and their parents made it on our own, so we can, too, right?

It takes time to establish ourselves and to "find our footing" as we venture out into the unknown. We often face challenges that we never really expected to confront. One of the biggest, it seems, for our generation? Money. Of course. That's the evil that plagues every generation, always has, and probably always will.

But the second biggest? Eating. OK, maybe it's not the second biggest, but it's a big one. I have no credibility on this front, I haven't read any data on the subjects, nothing. I'm just going by an incredibly unscientific poll of my friends... and considering some of their comments I heard in passing.

Anyway, you'd think it'd be a great relief to escape the dining hall. It's maybe even more exciting to never again enter that frathouse kitchen that-- c'mon, admit it-- should be marked as "unsanitary" and "hazardous to your health" by the health commission. I mean, I don't know about you, but I most certainly don't miss overcooked Easy Mac from the microwave or elastic band-like dark meat chicken (skin and bones and all) from the school cafeteria. (I'll admit, though, that I do miss my favorite cafeteria workers who really worked way harder than I ever will. Shout-out to Pat and Beverly and the lady with the missing teeth!)

So now that I've passed that phase in my life, I somehow live in an apartment with a beautifully updated kitchen. And what do I do with it when I'm there? I stare at it. It's not like it's so gorgeous that you'd find it on the cover of some home magazine, and I certainly don't have any art hanging up that's so marvelous I can't take my eyes off of it. Yet I stare. And keep staring. If you were to watch me you'd think I'm confusing this space with a page out of a Magic Eye book.

Alright, so maybe I'm exaggerating a teeny bit. Just a little though. I really have done more than turn on the faucet. Yep, I've turned on the faucet, managed to catch the water in ice cube trays and even put those trays in the freezer to--POOF-- make ice!

But really, I have cooked a dinner here and there, had a couple house parties that involved more than calling my favorite delivery guy, even experimented a little with some baking. But this whole cooking thing really remains an obstacle. I just can't seem to do it well-- or well enough to my liking-- and I certainly don't have the time to perfect it. It's always easier to call the local sushi place and order a couple of rolls than to pull a Julia Child and create a masterpiece from simple household ingredients.

Today, as I was legitimately contemplating what to make before dinner after I rush home from work but run out again to meet a friend for a movie date, I came across a great blog: In Good Taste, written by Maris Callahan, another twenty-something living in a major city. You can find it here: http://ingoodtasteblog.typepad.com/in_good_taste/. Maris began this endeavor in 2008, right before I was nearing the end of college yet before I knew that I'd soon have to actually make sure that I eat and do it in a semi-healthy way. It certainly seems like this girl has something figured out. That, or she knows how to photoshop a photo of food she whipped up to make it look extremely appealing. I think I'll believe that she does it all herself and it's all legitimate, though. :)

Here's how she explains her blog in her "About Me" section:


How many times have you looked into the fridge of a young, single man (okay, or woman) who works long hours outside of their home, to find nothing but a six-pack of beer, half-empty bottle of Pinot Grigio and leftovers from last night’s Chinese take-out?
I’ve seen my fair share.

My name is Maris Callahan and I began writing this blog in May 2008. It has since evolved into a resource for twenty-somethings, like me, who want to cook healthy meals with some indulgences. Whether you're starting your first post-college job, newly married or looking for fast, easy weeknight meals, my goal is to show you that anyone can cook, no matter how much time or experience they do (or don’t) have.


What do I take from discovering this site? I'm learning that, with a little help, we can tackle the parts of post-college life that might seem a little intimidating... to say the least. A few mouthwatering pictures, some easy recipes and a talented writer really might be able to make the difference. If she's got a recent grad who has this amazing talent of overcooking everything she pops in an oven can get excited, maybe we all can.


XOXO,
R.