What Goes Around Comes Around-- Really.

Back in the day, when I was a little college baby (man, I’m dating myself already!) I interned in the newsroom of a major business news magazine in Manhattan. It was beyond an amazing experience, maybe not the work itself but the whole living in the city as a 21 year old, staying out way too late, having a little too much fun and definitely spending a little more money than I should have been.
Years later (I won’t tell you how many though) I’m still using what I learned from my entire experience that summer. For example, I can still look back on the nights that I didn’t come home until the sun came up. Bad idea. Fun at the time, but really, bad idea. Going on dates with boring accountants? Also might seem like a good idea at the time, but when you’re sitting at the table in a Thai restaurant and your date can only discuss the best times to file your income taxes, you soon learn that accepting the date was also a bad idea.

But, of course, we also learn good ideas while misbehaving-- err, uh, having a good time-- during a more wild part of our lives. Who would have thought that it’s always wise to keep a little toilet paper in your purse when heading out to the bars? We really have no way of knowing when that place that offers $5 free refil Bud Lites will run out!

And that you should always be aware of your surroundings. You never know when you’ll overhear a fashion designer talking to a religious Jewish man in a 24-hour deli at 2:30am. They might both then ask your opinion on fabrics to pair for fashionable yalmukes, or Jewish head coverings. You also never know when a NYU law student will approach you while you’re eating hot dogs in the middle of the night in Union Square, offer to read your tarrot cards and, believe it or not, be correct in saying that you’re going to have a fabulous sexcapade in the fall. Not kidding here, by the way. Both really happened.

What I also learned was that it’s more useful than I realized to stay in contact with all of the people you meet on these interesting journeys. I certainly don’t have the name of the law student, and I definitely don’t know if the men in the diner ever successfully developed a JCrew-esque designer yalmukah line. I probably should have kept his card though-- who knows how famous he might be now!

I wouldn’t have realized but the people I met that summer have helped me in ways greater than they would have imagined since then. The intern coordinator at the magazine? Unbelievably kind and helpful whenever I email her with a writing question. My friends that I met at work? A couple are still close to me and help me get through each and every day at work-- thanks, Gchat!

But, what I’m realizing now is that these relationships really are reciprocal. I’m trying to not laugh out loud at my desk right now, but it’s hard not to. Here’s why:

I recently learned that a reporter from the magazine was in search of stories from real people who had quit their job in a funny way. I wasn’t sure that what I did to my awful boss was funny per se, but it was definitely a bit dramatic and perhaps just what this kid was looking for. (I wrote about my bad boss on this blog back on May 19th.)

Essentially I had been abused for months upon months but, like so many Americans, I couldn’t quit my job because I needed the health insurance and the money. But, when I finally had another job lined up, I happened to know that Mr. Asshole was on the side of the road somewhere waiting to get his car towed. I recognized that it was the perfect opportunity to finally stand up for myself, explain how I had been mistreated and quit my job. Ultimately, of course, this made his life more difficult-- he had to interview people and hire and train someone new. Poor baby. Real work can be exhausting!

Anyway, this supposedly is just the type of story that this writer was looking for. I don’t know that I would have qualified this story as “funny” but it’s certainly a good example of how, as I said in the last post, karma is a bitch. It also shows that it’s important to maintain our connections with other people, not just so we can help ourselves but so we can help others. In this case, I think I can aruge that I helped both the reporter and myself: he got his story, I got the satisfaction of saying my piece. Now I’m not out to hurt anyone or damage anyone’s reputation, but ahh, revenge is sweet, isn’t it?

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On

Watch it and love it:
http://www.vimeo.com/14190306

It'll make you laugh. And if it doesn't then... well... you need to lighten up and enjoy life a little more! I do have to wonder how a person comes up with these ideas (I know, I know, you're thinking "DRUGS, DUH!") and also how someone realizes that they know how to do this type of voice. But, I must say, Jenny Slate is quite talented and her improvised comedy definitely gave me a good laugh.

Why You Shouldn't Prostitute Yourself-- On Craigslist

Usually when the media is obsessing over some scandal or crime I like to run the other way. After all, how many times can I read and re-read articles about the shootings in the liquor warehouse in Hartford, CT? Tragic, horrific, awful, sad, disgusting? Yes, yes, yes, yes and YES. The Dow and S&P down for the fifth day in a row-- slightly disturbing? Sure. But does it really help us to keep hearing about this over and over again? Obviously not.

On rare occasion, though, one of these sensational stories catches my attention-- or the attention of countless people, really-- and we can’t get enough. We crave more juicy details, become excited at the prospect of hearing yet another personal account of the story.

Take the Chandra Levy case of a handful of years back-- truly sick and twisted but, at the same time, exceptionally captivating and thrilling. Or, one of my favorite pieces of news coverage of all time: the mass-murder of The Heaven’s Gate cult out in California. This one was beyond upsetting and horrible, yet its succession of exceptionally bizarre and demented events kept us all on our toes seeking as much information as we could get. Same went for the Jaycee Duggard kidnapping case, Natalee Hollaway’s murder and Laci Peterson’s abduction. All sick and saddening, yet all enthralling.

Now another sadistic killer has struck and-- BIG SURPRISE-- the media has jumped on the story faster than yo momma pounced your best friend. DUM DUM DUM... THE CRAIGSLIST KILLER.



This sicko crafted an interesting story for us. He really did. Venturing into supposed uncharted territory, he arranged to meet Craiglists prostitutes in Boston hotels and allegedly killed them during their hotel meetings. Funny how this works, but he ultimately found himself in jail, and I’m sure that the accommodations differ slightly than those at the Westin Copley in Boston where he started off this little adventure.

Well over a year after this entire ordeal, guards found him dead with a plastic bag over his head and a major artery sliced open in his jail cell. (Ahh, the benefits of a med school education...) The day he died happened to be the day that would have been his one-year wedding anniversary, had his fiance not broken off the engagement. Sad. So sad I forgot to cry.

The media has certainly hyped up this story-- so much so, in fact, that if you search Google News for his name, Philip Markoff, you get 367 results. Nothing like a nobody becoming a somebody overnight. Or during the day. I think he met some of his victims for sex and killing during the day.

So why, I must wonder, is a story this absolutely morbid, one that we all choose to focus on? Why is it one that the media really can get so much attention from? I’m not sure about you, but I personally don’t sit and think about serial killers all day, and I certainly don’t contemplate the ways that other people kill themselves. But that’s just me.

I think that, underneath it all, with a story like this we all realize deep down that we can learn something. On the most obvious of levels, we can realize that we shouldn’t meet strangers for sex in private hotel rooms. But I think (or hope) that most of us know that already.

I also think that we can learn that we should trust our instincts. Initially we heard accounts of his fiance saying she didn’t think he’d “hurt a fly,” but now all these other testimonies are coming out from other people who knew him personally. Like the girl who was his friend from college who said he once walked her home at night (like any of her guy friends would) and he pushed her up against the wall and kissed her so hard she couldn’t escape. Ding ding ding-- warning sign of a bigger problem! But, please let me make it clear that in no way would I expect this innocent girl to have predicted his future behaviors. But really, were his actions on that night acceptable? And who’s to say he wouldn’t take that behavior further? Because, well, he did. It might not have been with this college friend, but it was with other women like her, just years later. (Well, maybe not exactly like her because I don’t think she was a prostitute, but still, other girls!)

Most importantly, I think we have to be aware of our surroundings. Like I’ve explained over and over again in the past, it takes a long time for someone’s true colors to shine through. Now, I’m not hinting that the guy who oh-so-badly wants to kiss you is a serial killer. Most likely he just likes you a lot and wants a smooch! I’m also not suggesting that you take time to evaluate if your boyfriend is a murderer. Most likely he’s not. I promise.

If a situation ever feels too intense (in the dating world or otherwise) it’s not only OK but also a good idea to stop, take a step back and evaluate the situation. As much as the Craigslist Killer story has taken up my attention when I’m bored and have nothing to read about, I’d much rather be twiddling my thumbs than to be reading about a naive girl and how her foolish mistakes led her to danger-- or worse.




For more on the Craigslist Killer, visit http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/08/accused_craigsl_2.html

Bitches in Stitches

A Little Housekeeping
So, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been signing my posts anymore. Actually, you probably haven’t realized this, or at least I hope you haven’t noticed this trivial little detail. I haven’t been signing because these posts have all been by me over the past couple of months. Because of a busy work schedule, S was unable to blog for a while. I’m happy to announce that she now can and does post her stories. Check out her blog, Sara For Sale, at www.saraforsale.blogspot.com. You can be sure that we’ll be writing some posts that go back and forth to each others’, mainly because on some things we think so similarly that it’s scary and, on others, you’d think we might as well have been born on different planets.

As for “Bitches in Stitches,” yes, we’re still both bitches and you better believe that we are still very much both in stitches quite a lot of the time! The blog name is too fun and way too accurate to give up. For that reason I’m keeping it even though I'm the only bitch writing. Or maybe because my readers are now the bitches in stitches. Either way, this blog is here to stay and I’ll now be linking you from time to time to bonus posts that S writes.

Now to the Point
Today is the first day that S. and I really decided that we should start linking our writing and, what a more perfect opportunity than the day after she had a little guy drama! Most of you can imagine-- if for no reason other than you do the same thing with your friends-- that S and I talk a lot of the day during work. All that talking sometimes leads to something productive like--oh hey-- this blog!

Apparently there’s some guy that S. has been on a number of dates with. He was supposed to cook her dinner tonight until he found out last minute that he has to take a client out tonight. Boss’s orders. It happens. So he was kind enough to call her in advance, reschedule for Sunday (good luck, S!) and, not only that, he apologized! He explained that he didn’t like that he had to do this, that he felt guilty about it, that he hates when work commitments come up unexpectedly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, S. was a little disappointed that she would’t have the chance to allow him to show off his culinary skills (and perhaps other skills...) tonight. But, was she mad like a lot of girls would be? No.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think a lot of girls (I’d even venture to say “a majority of girls”) would have been peeved, ticked off to the point that they’d be overtly angry. That, or it would be the girl stewing and not this boy’s dinner tonight. One or the other. I mean, it’s ok to be annoyed when we get blown off, right? (With the understanding that sometimes legitimate things do come up, like in this instance, of course!)

If this boy hadn’t rescheduled with her I’d argue that, duh, he’s just not that into her. But he did, so that’s something we don’t even have to consider here. What should be considered, though, is S’s reaction to the situation.

What did she do? She told him it was ok. She told him that really, he could stop apologizing. She understood what happened because, well, life happens.

And then she explained to him the most important part of all: she actually likes that he has commitments in his life that don’t involve her. It’s great that he has business plans and other social plans, she continued. I LIKE THAT HE HAS A LIFE, she remarked when telling me this morning.

This is one of those issues where S. and I are like a match made in heaven-- in terms of friendship, you wishful thinking boys! This is where I agree with her wholeheartedly that, yes, it’s great he has other elements of his life besides just pursuing his girl(s) of interest. He’s not focusing all of his energies on her (although you can bet he’s spending a great deal of time thinking about her!) and he’s allowing himself to continue his life pre-S. And that’s exactly how she wants it.

Of course I’m exaggerating a little. Sure it’s important that he fits her into his life if he wants her to be a part of it, and yes some things have to change in his routine in order to fit in a girl. Likewise, she also has to make an effort to fit HIM in. (Ew I don’t mean it like that! They haven’t had that many dates yet!!!) Every relationship takes some sort of time and effort, no matter if it’s brand new or decades old. But it shouldn’t take all of anyone’s time, or then it’s just what at least I personally would deem unhealthy.

It would honestly be very much peculiar if this boy were to drop everything and clear his calendar in order to spend every waking moment staring into her dreamy eyes and catering to her every need. It would even be weird if he cancelled poker night with his boys or dinner with his family just to spend time with her. She’d be freaked out, and rightly so.

Anyway, what I’m getting at here is the importance of each person in a relationship having their own life. Sure, two lives can merge here and there, but really, it’s important to maintain separate activities and friends to some degree. S’s worst fear is basically that some guy will spend too much time doting on her. Maybe that’s not what most girls fear, but really, I think I have to go with her on this one. It’s just creepy if a guy gives up courtside seats to basketball games all the time just to see you. But once and a while, if you don’t tell anyone (shh!) I might admit that it’s kind of a nice compliment.

Which brings me back to my ultimate point: if he spends ALL his time with you always, it just doesn’t feel as special anymore, does it?


XOXO,
R

Used to Being Used

If you’re in the mood to read something light and perky, this probably isn’t the post for you today. Maybe Google “smiling puppies” or “I just got laid,” but don’t keep on reading.

Why? Because I’ve got a bone to pick. Or, let’s put it this way: a lot of my friends want to pick this very same bone, but I’m going to do it on behalf of all of us because, well, no bone really deserves the invasion of that many digging fingernails.

I think I always had this idealized version of social life floating around in my head-- that by the time we graduated high school we would be over our petty gossip stage, that past middle school we would stop backstabbing each other. And, you know what? I thought we’d stop using each other-- especially using the people we consider our friends-- because I thought that by now we’d be mature and socially aware enough to know that people would catch on to our behaviors.

I was wrong. Very wrong. So wrong that I should probably be embarrassed to admit that I thought people would get past this stage.

How could I have thought that people would actually grow up and start treating each other well? Did I really think that people would treat me as I wished to be treated, and that people would consistently have genuine intentions when interacting with me?

As I’m writing I’m realizing that you might have no idea what I’m alluding to. In a quick and simple explanation, here it goes: people use each other. For all things. During good times and bad, during childhood, adulthood and even old age. It’s a sick fact of life, but it’s definitely a true one.

“Friends” have ulterior motives in their interactions all the time. “Uh, hey, could you translate this into French for me? I mean, I know we haven’t spoken in months, but you’re good at French and I’m not...” or “I know I’ve failed to include you in any social activities recently, but like, my car broke down, and I really need a ride to the shop... if you could please help me out this one time...”

A personal favorite was when someone I knew tried to get in touch with an old friend. Why did he want to befriend her again? To use her dad for his business connections, of course. Obviously neither the girl or her father would have caught on. Because no one has ever tried to benefit from her father’s good fortune ever before. No one has ever tried to benefit from a super wealthy man ever ever ever before. Who would think of doing such a thing?!

Or, recently, a girlfriend was complaining about how annoyed she was with a guy friend, J, because he had asked her to do a favor for him past midnight during the middle of the week. She explained that she did out of empathy, that she considered what it would be like to be in his shoes-- locked out of the house with a broken car-- and without anyone to help out.

So, J. had the guts to let her phone ring when she could have easily been sleeping, but did he ever even say thank you? No. He didn’t as much as utter a word of gratitude.

Now, I personally would have been forever indebted to her if she drove me across town in the middle of the night. Apparently, though, the rest of the world doesn’t think that way. It’s OK to only come crawling back to someone when you need them, rather than enjoy their company in both the good and the bad.

The kicker, though-- at least to me-- is that J. really has no idea that my friend knows he used her. He’s probably going on with his daily routine, driving down some Yellow Brick Road in that car that she helped him get fixed. My friend, though, is simmering at work over the fact that she actually considered J. a friend, all the while he made it clear that they’re only friends when it’s convenient for him.

What really gets me, though, is just that-- the people who use us are too socially incompetent to know that we know. (Does that remind anyone else of that Friends episode “Does she know we know she knows!?”) It becomes abundantly clear when someone is just asking me for a teeny favor because they need my help and not because they’d ever reciprocate.

Don’t invite me to your bridal shower (and not the wedding!) just for the gift, and don’t ask me to cover your shift at work just so you can hang out with that cute boy you just met. Just don’t. And, if you do, try to make it a little less obvious, k?

Before you ask me-- or anyone with any social awareness at all-- to edit your cover letter because I’m such a good writer (enough with the flattery, it doesn’t work) or to help you move when you have no intention of helping me (we all know I’m not a big, strong girl) realize this: we’re on to you. We know what you’re doing.

Maybe you’ll get away with it on occasion, but deep down, we’re aware of your intentions. Some people will fall for your stunts, and, hey, I applaud you for being that sly that you can get away with such actions. But anyone with an ounce of self dignity and awareness won’t. The beauty in the situation is that the more you do it, the more likely the naive souls you’re taking advantage of will realize what you’re doing. And that, my friends, allows me to end this post with some optimism and, yes, a real smile-- the goofy kind, like of the class clown who just caused the class to burst into laughter. Because, hey, wouldn’t it really be funny if all the people being used caught on and stopped allowing themselves to be used?