I've always maintained that girls are meaner and more manipulative than guys. I've had boys and men do some pretty horrible things to me over the years, but rarely are their actions as calculative, cunning and downright evil as those I've observed from girls.
I think that I'm starting to understand-- on the most basic of levels-- why girls are so cruel to guys sometimes. This explanation and analysis is barely touching the tip of the iceberg, that much I know. But observing a conversation between two college aged girls this morning on the way to work really made me stop and think. It went something along the lines of this:
Girl A: "I was SO mean to him for all of August. Like really cold to him. We'd be at parties and I'd just flat out ignore him. Sometimes I'd even make a nasty comment. Then at the end of the night he'd come up to me and ask if everything was alright and I'd just say "yep!" and not let him know anything about what I was thinking. I'm a terrible person," she admitted with some edgy sarcasm and a giggle. Her friend's giggle echoed hers.
Girl B: "No I totally understand. I've been doing that, too! I'm so mean to him!"
Girl A: "Yea, that's just how it is. I think though when I was being mean I subconsciously realized that I was scared-- scared to have a boyfriend. I always freak out when some guy says we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. That's when I get so mean and back off!"
This blip of conversation gives me some insight into a part of girl-world that I like to distance myself from. One reason girls treat guys, as these two described it, "like shit," is because they're scared. It's frightening to think that maybe someone really likes us for who we are, and moreso to think that the other person will ultimately decide they don't like us. If we're mean, of course we won't get the guy of our dreams anyway, but at least it will be our fault in a direct sense and not because the guy decided he didn't like our kind, compassionate side.
So immediately when I arrived at work I went online and started talking to one of my friends who works nearby. I started telling her about the conversation that I had just witnessed. How could these girls be so blatently rude to their love interests? I wondered. If they're that mean, I thought, no guy will be interested in them, nevermind keep them as a girlfriend!
Sure, I've read books like Why Men Love Bitches where the author encourages girls to be tough and, at times, difficult, holding their ground without being swayed in any other direction. Being tough is one thing-- not putting out too early on into a relationship, not allowing the guy to always choose a restauarant or decide on the plans for the night. None of those books, though, and I really mean not one,encourage bitchiness or catty behavior.
My friend, we'll call her H., provided me with a seemingly accurate and to the point response:
"Honestly," she explained, "I think if I wreck things ahead of time I can't get rejected... because I already took care of it." She proceeded to add that "it's one of those things I do when I think I stand a chance and I can't believe my luck."
After thinking about her comment-- one that, really, when I consider it, makes sense-- I wondered what this all means. What could I do with this information, not only to help her realize that she's beyond worthy of a doting boyfriend, but also to help the boys in my life learn how to deal with their Ice Queen crushes?
First, it's important to realize that some girls really are downright mean and have very few redeeming qualities. It's unfortunate but it's true and a fact of life: there are just some people out there who are exceptionally mean and nasty. There's no changing that.
Beyond that select group of people, though, there are plenty of good-hearted, caring women who put up that tough facade to protect what's really some ultimate form of kindness mixed with fear on the inside. The issue at hand, of course, becomes the challenge of differentiating between the mean bitchy girls and the nice bitchy girls. (Sounds absurd, right?) This might be a silly analogy, but here's what I think of: when I'm eating a juicy Maine lobster-- OK this is going to be a quick analogy or I'm going to get too hungry-- the shell seems exceptionally tough and strong. When I finally crack it and get to its meat, its sweet and juicy and feels like all of the effort was very much worth the work.
Should girls be kind up front? Of course. Is there ever a reason to be bitchy? Definitely not. But do girls, just like men, feel the need to protect themselves from potentially hurtful situations? Duh, of course.
So to all of my guy friends out here, this is my thinking-- you've gotta crack that lobster, baby. You've gotta work hard to get to the very core of that girl, the girl you truly believe is sweet on the inside, even if she displays a hard shell. We're all scared at times to take risks, but of course if we never do we'll never get where we really want to be in life.
But, girls, don't make the guy do all of the work. I know it's hard to believe, but not every man out there is out there to hurt us. In fact, many represent the very opposite: they dream of making our lives easier and more pleasant. We've just got to let them in-- with proper protection, of course! :)
XOXO,
R.
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