Online Dating-- In Public

On the way to work each day I stop at the same Starbucks near my office. And every day, for the past few at least, I've seen this guy at the bar, "working" at his computer. Seems normal, right? Until you notice what he's doing. No, he's not watching porn or looking at erotic images. Conversely, he's not doing anything seemingly normal, like applying for jobs or reading The Economist. So what's he doing? He's online dating. In a Starbucks. During peak rush-hour coffee addict traffic.

I need to make it clear that this man is not sitting in the back of the store in some corner, hidden by a bazillion other customers. He's not even at a table. He's literally sitting at the bar that parallels the line of people, waiting ever so eagerly for their hot cup of caffeine. Not only that, but he's seated on a higher platform than the customers standing on the ground. That's how I was able to see this guy in the first place. And that's how I've been able to entertain myself while I've had to so painfully wait in line for two whole minutes every day.

Maybe that doesn't sound interesting, but let me assure you that it is. Not only do I know what this guy is doing (trying to pick up pornstar-esq chicks posing suggestively in their profile pictures) but I also know HOW he's doing it. He uses a site called datehookup.com. First he finds his targets. Then he emails them, explaining that he comes "from a wealthy family." Not what I'd want to read in an initial email from a random stranger, but it turns on some girls, so all the power to him.

Much to his credit, though, he's careful and he's organized and even methodical in creating these potential dating connections. I mean, I consider myself to be disgustingly organized in some regards, but I was never this good with online dating. This man creates a folder on his desktop for each and every woman he's in contact with. He saves their emails and drags their photos into their respective files. Impressive, honestly, especially after having forgotten countless names, occupations and life aspirations of many of the men I spoke to online over the years. Sorry, but if I've never met you, I'm not going to remember your name or job. But I might remember your dog's name or where your sisters live. I'm weird like that.

I agree that it's creepy, though, that I know all this about this random dude who frequents the same Starbucks as me. But, at the same time, I think he's asking for it. When he's sitting with his screen facing the crowd, you know, with sexy (or trying-to-be-sexy) women blown up on his screen, he's asking for onlookers. And when DATEHOOKUP.COM flashes ever so brightly, who WOULDN'T look out of sheer curiosity? I don't know this man, have no personal attachment to him, haven't even spoken to him, so in theory I shouldn't care what he's doing. But it's interesting-- I mean, who really would choose to do this in public? And, who isn't curious about how other people pursue online dating?

Usually online dating is an activity that we take on inside the privacy of our own homes. On occasion you'll find a coworker scoping out their options while inside their cube (also a no-go) or maybe you'll be invited to look online with a friend to help her weight her options. (Because I'm so cool, a friend and I used to spend time online on Friday nights looking at all the guys who were contacting us, and then we'd share our opinions with each other.) But in a coffee shop? Really?

Be careful where you are when you online date. I'm serious. Or else you might end up with someone like me blogging about you. (But, in all seriousness, Mr. Mystery Man, thanks for entertaining me each morning. Stay at it and maybe you'll find your match.)

Rude and at Work

Most of us at some point or another either go to work or have gone to work or, if we’re lucky enough to still be living the high life in college (literally or figuratively) we will in the future. Well, of course, if America gets its act together and makes jobs for all of us. Point is, jobs and careers are generally a reality. We all need to pay the bills somehow or another; whether it’s by marrying the ugliest wealthy slime-ball around or because we mooch off of mom and dad while living in their basement when we’re forty years old, we all rely on money to make life livable.

Most of us prefer though to just go to work, earn our own money and count on ourselves. Obviously that statement doesn’t include everyone, but I’m 99% positive that a majority of people in this country go to work because they have to. Sure, some of us like what we do. I’m not going to tell you that I dislike my job (because I don’t) or that I hate all of my daily tasks (again, because I don’t). But, given the choice to sit here in my cubicle or go out and take a walk along the river on this gorgeous day, I’d have to admit that I’d rather take the walk. Work isn’t for fun. Rather, it’s a means of filling my days. It keeps my mind active and allows me to pay rent. My earned paycheck even pays my cable bill-- one that manages to be exceptionally expensive even though I don’t even watch porn-- and for both necessary and unneeded clothing, a costly gym membership and even charitable gifts.

Likewise, most of my colleagues are in this position. They’re not crunching numbers, writing grants and scheduling meetings for their own pleasure. They do it so they don’t have to live with their parents, so they can support their own kids. My coworkers work so they can pay for their own movie tickets and cruises, for manicures and for that pair of jeans they just need to have. Oh and they also need to pay for their necessities, like food and rent. Minor detail though.

Yes, work is enjoyable when we get to eat gourmet meals charged to the company. It's also nice when we get perks like gym memberships and free personal training sessions. Whatever the reason we work though, we all know that we’re here on a daily basis more out of necessity than for pleasure.

Since we’re all in the same boat (or, on the same floor is perhaps more like it), don’t you think we’d respect each other? Since I really am not having fun submitting that grant application to the National Institute of Health, and because I can guess that the lady across the hall isn’t either, don’t you think we’d both suck it up and get the job done with smiles on our faces? Wouldn’t you think that she’d spare me from making the task more difficult than it already is by speaking to me kindly, rather than making it worse?

By talking with colleagues, friends and family members, I’ve learned that there’s this covert office culture in many places where being rude is acceptable and sometimes not even discussed. Do you not like what someone had to say in that email they sent you? No problem. Just shoot them one right back using all capital letters, just in case your angry words alone didn’t get the message across. Don’t want to be cordial with that girl who sits across from you? Again, no problem. Sneak into your coworker’s office when you want to talk and make it known that you’re closing the door to gossip. Definitely do it when the girl you dislike is the only one in the office though-- just so she knows that you’re purposely trying to exclude her. Oh and you say you don’t like how someone ran a meeting? Once again, not a problem. Just make it known to everyone but the leader directly that you think you’re boss and that they’re just a little person whose voice doesn’t deserve to be heard.

I constantly find myself shocked at not only how I’m occasionally treated by those around me, but also by how my friends in different jobs are spoken to and acted toward daily. I’m fortunate enough to work in a place where most of us like each other, where when our monthly pizza party rolls around we’re all excited to sit on the floor and get comfy talking and eating. But, a snarky email or rude voicemail unfortunately makes me forget all of the good things sometimes. As my boss recently explained it, one person with a bad attitude is like a dominant trait. That dominant trait overrides all others, so as to say that one negative person overrides the nice personalities of everyone else. (We work in a genetics lab.) When one person whips out the negativity, it catches on like wildfire and puts everyone in a bad mood. And, believe me, in an environment where you spend over forty hours per week, the last thing anyone would want would be more frowns and nasty emails and less laughter.

Before you touch-type some scathing email, please think about how your words might effect the recipient. I know it sounds like a kindergarten lesson, but it’s true. There's rarely a need to bring out the nastiness at work. How about we just act kindly toward each other until 5:00pm, just to make it easier on everyone? If you want to go ahead and release any negativity by beating up the treadmill or taking a boxing class, be my guest. But please leave both my inbox and feelings alone. I’m just trying to get through the day and earn a couple bucks, just like you. Yes, just like YOU.