Dating and Relationships and Seeing Someone and --OH HEY-- Why all the terminology?

The whole dating scene is tough enough as it is. We wonder if he's interested in me? Should I ask him for his number? We've gone on a date, but when is it OK to suggest hanging out again?

As tricky as it might be to navigate this part of our lives, we make it more complicated on ourselves. How do we do this? Well, we girls tend to insist on labeling things. No, not just putting a label to some things. Labeling everything.

So while we're considering our status with Mr. Lacrosse Player, we're wondering if maybe we should just go out one one date to test the waters with Mr. Suave Businessman because, hey, Lacrosse boy and I aren't technically "in a relationship" yet, right? Or maybe it's a question of whether you're "seeing someone" versus "dating" versus "in a relationship." What do each of these phrases and words means exactly? And what differentiates them?

Well it's so we can justify our current situation to outsiders, of course. We want to be able to tell our best friends that there's a new man in our life, but that we don't think it's serious enough to the point that we'd call it "a relationship." We also want to experience the thrill of telling an ex that we're not longer single and that we're in fact currently "seeing someone."

Does anyone really know what "seeing someone" means? And who's to say that we're seeing someone before we're dating, or that we're in a relationship after we're officially dating that dude who we met after a sweaty bump-in at the gym?

This topic seems to keep coming up over and over again in conversation with both my closest guy and girl friends. Yet as often as this idea surfaces, no one seems to have come to any conclusions. The one thing that we have figured out, however, is these labels definitely mean something. It's just what that something is that we really don't know.

It seems labeling what we have with someone as a relationship boosts both our confidence and level of happiness. Not only do we at least believe that we belong to that person and they belong to only us, we also feel secure in thinking that we're protecting our health, that our partners are not partnered with anyone else. Here we're addressing a legitimate and real concern, and although the label fails to prevent most people from cheating, it somehow gives a tiny reason to consider not to. The word relationship taps us on the shoulder like our fairy godmother, reminding us that we've committed ourself to something or, in this case, someone.

Anyway, I think that this is a unique post in that I'm not writing with any answers or any opinions. Imagine that-- for once in my life, I'm lacking a definitive opinion! This is where I want to hear from YOU. What do you think? What do these words mean to you? And is it important to differentiate between different phases in a relationship or should we just let things go on their own timeline?

Tell me what you think. I want to hear. We all do.


XOXOX,
R.

Sex Addiction: A Mental Health Issue or an Excuse to Cheat?

A few weeks ago I spent a couple days with close family friends. Over dinner one night, the conversation somehow drifted to sex addiction: Is it a real addiction? Is it as serious as, say, alcohol, drug or even gambling addictions? And does it really deserve a spot in the next edition of the DSM?

Unfortunately I can't report back that we came up with any conclusions. We left the table unclear as to whether Tiger Woods has a psychological problem or just a love of intimacy, whether Jesse James should seek medical help or if he really just wanted to explore his sexuality beyond his marriage.

That said, this concept has become prevalent in the media. It seems like every few weeks we hear of another unfaithful boyfriend or husband (yes, the news seems to focus more on the male cheaters.) Maybe Americans like this drama or take pleasure in the doom of celebrity marriages. Perhaps our own social lives are so boring that we find ourselves thirsty to know the gossip of even people we don't know personally. For some, other people's failures (specifically relating to infidelity in this instance) validate their own life choices.

What we don't hear about, though, is what actually "transforms" these cheating men into born-again innocent husbands. We know, for example that Tiger Woods was sent to sex addiction rehab in Alabama or Arkansas or one of those southern places where he wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone anyway because he's not their blood relative. But what really went on there? What was his treatment like and why is he suddenly on his road to recovery?

When I posed this question to one of my (male) roommates, he came up with a clever idea. Maybe, he explained, you go to the rehab, and they let you sleep with, say, ten different people on your first day there. Then you get to the second day and, WHAM, just like that, you're only allowed to sleep with nine different people that they find for you. The number really could keep gradually decreasing until you're healed of your endless sexual appetite!

I'll admit that I was laughing hysterically when he explained his idealistic views of rehab. However, I understand that this can be construed as highly offensive, especially for the people who battle what some consider a legitimate mental illness.

I think the real answer here is that it's important that we teach our kids to get on the right path from the start. It should be made explicitly clear that just like in sports or Monopoly cheating isn't allowed, it's not in the adult world by any means either. Grown ups don't lose TV or dessert privlidges when they cheat on their significant others, but there are consequences to this behavior, and dire ones for that matter.

We need to remember that kids are smarter than we think and capable of conceptualizing more difficult ideas than we realize. For that reason, if monogamy is taught early, maybe it won't be as much of an issue later on in life when they become the next American presidents. That was something that I briefly considered when I was teaching The Ten Commandments to a class of thirteen eight year olds this year. (Yes, I teach religious school each week and I happen to love it as a means to earn extra money!)

As I printed each commandment on the board for the children to copy, I got towards the end and stared in disbelief. Adultery. Adultery. ADULTERY. Why hadn't I thought about this earlier? How com I hadn't considered the fact that I'd have to explain this concept to a group of young kids right on the spot? I mean I know that I read their textbook pages for the first time the morning that they do, but really, how could I have been so idiotic?

Out of nowhere, it hit me: I knew how to explain it.

"What do you think it means when God said that you shall not commit adultery?" I asked.

One girl sheepishly raised her hand. I called on her and she explained that she was "pretty sure" that it meant that you "shouldn't act like an adult."

"Hmm...not quite, sweetie, but close" I responded. "Really, you guys, what it means is that if you are a girl, and you're married, you aren't allowed to have any other boyfriends besides your husband. And if you're a married boy, you aren't allowed to have any other girlfriends besides your wife."

Somehow, with that explanation they got it. Even when I asked them weeks later what adultery meant, they all precisely regurgitated my definition.

So if these kids can get it, why can't their role models? Why are the celebrities and athletes that they look up to given what I'd consider a "free pass," or the excuse that it's a mental illness? Clearly I don't have any answers and it's likely easier for kids to understand this idea conceptually rather than in practice later on in life.

When considering this regarding those men who cheat on their girlfriends and wives, I often flash back to what Rachel Green on Friends. "Once a cheater, always a cheater," she squawked in a bird-like voice.

Always definitively true? Maybe not. Worth considering when thinking about people who do it? Absolutely.



XOXO,
R.

My Advice? Move on to the next one!

I’m not a tough person. I cry in the shower when a coworker makes a nasty comment. I endlessly replay situations where a friend issues me a backhanded compliment.

When it comes to dating, though, I’m pretty tough. Let’s put it this way: if you’re coming to me for advice regarding a guy who just isn’t treating you well, I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you that maybe, sweetie, he’s just going through a tough time. I refuse to allow your pretty little mind to think that, yes, it’s acceptable that he won’t label you as his girlfriend or show you off to his friends.

Know why? Because it’s not. Nope, not acceptable at all.

So after he finally breaks up with you (or you’re lucky enough to break up with him) I’m not going to be sympathetic when you keep running back to him. You miss him—I get it. It’s downright painful to cutoff all ties with someone who you’d text midday from the bookstore because you saw something they’d like. You’re probably used to checking on him during his lunch break at work and maybe he called you every night before bed.

But listen, sister, a breakup is just that: a BREAKUP. Don’t you even think of running back to his cozy bed dressed in plaid, unwashed sheets. You can do better—at the very least you can sleep in your own WASHED sheets— and you know it.

Whenever an applicable situation comes up I like to reference one of my favorite books of all time, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt. (Please note that I’m not talking about the movie with the same title. It was based off the book but failed to sufficiently convey the book’s messages accurately.)

Anyway, this summarizes my above-referenced feelings, which some might perceive as my nasty-bitch side, to a T:

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on. –He’s Just Not That Into You

So what if you get that, you’re following the rules and not talking to him, and he’s the one calling you to tell you that he ate a fabulous corned beef sandwich on rye with spicy mustard, ran an amazing 4.667 miles and, oh yea, by the way, he misses you, baby?

Yes, he broke up with you, but he’s still the one running back for comfort. He made the conscious decision to not be with you, but he still feels like it’s alright to call to ask you about your day.

I have no explanation for why this happens, but it seems to happen frequently. Really, a lot. Now I never advocate for retaliation (it’s better just to let things go and, as idealistic as this might sound, “be the bigger person”) but sometimes it’s best to in your own way dig it back to him.

Don’t answer his calls. Don’t run out when he emails asking to meet at Starbucks to catch up. Allow him to miss you, to consider what he gave up. Certainly don’t rerun your dramatic relationship ending where he called you fat and you told him that his member was small over and over. Don’t wish him anything bad or even be rude or short to him. Just don’t. It’s not worth your time.

Over time, I’ve learned that the sooner we let go of these freaks, the ones who treat us poorly and forget that they can’t just have us anytime they so please, the sooner we’ll get closer to finding Mr. Right. I’m not saying that we’ll ever find Mr. Perfect, but with each bad egg we crack, that’s one down and we’re one person closer to discovering someone kind and compassionate.

So, if nothing more, remember this: the next time a guy blows you off for balcony seats at an NBA game, consider what he really means to you and, more importantly here, what you mean to him. I mean, really, he’s not even ditching you for courtside seats, but balcony seats? Come on! Move on.

XOXO,
R.

Clinton's Wife was the First Lady and Gore's is called Tipper, Right?

As a kid I spent a few summers on a local college campus attending day camp. College universities obviously don't completely shutdown for the season even though there often seems to be a shortage of kegs, sleazy frat boys and scantily-clad females. So there would often be an important visitor or two around to give a lecture or take a tour.

One day a rumor spread like wildfire: the Tipper was here! The Tipper was here! Clearly she was really important as she was the Vice-President's WIFE. It was only after an entire day of hearing this that I learned that she wasn't in fact THE Tipper, but rather Tipper was her first name. I was foolishly led to believe that our country had a President, a First Lady, a Vice President and a Tipper.

I'm told there was a huge uproar over "The Great Gore Kiss" involving that very same woman in 2000 at the Democratic National Convention. (See http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/video/al-gore-and-tipper-gore-kiss-at-the-dnc-10797435). I'm somewhat surprised that a political figure of such importance could get away wish such an expression of love on national television. I read an article somewhere in which the reporter labeled it a "Can't wait to see you later in the bedroom, baby" kiss. To me the gesture seems over-the-top, even though it's many years later. But really, to me personally it doesn't matter at all. I hadn't thought about that women since I was running from outdoor swim to the kickball field in one sock and two Tevas.

Flash forward from around that era to 2010. I clearly hadn't thought about this lady in years, but somehow she's once again in the spotlight, even though her husband is no longer in office. Or, shall I say, soon-to-be ex-husband. Now the passion has gone from revolving around her nauseatingly overt/hopelessly romantic (depending on how you look at it) on-stage PDA to how could the epitome of a perfect couple go down the tubes?

Is it sad that this couple broke up even when Hillary and Bill have managed to stay together after he "didn't have sexual relations with that woman"? Yes, for sure. It's also disappointing that their marriage won't boast a fairytale ending, even if they began it on that track by meeting at their prom. We wonder whether that kiss that so many Americans witnessed was falsified or exaggerated. On the flip side, perhaps everything really was that fabulous between the duo and the relationship only crumbled afterwards.

Well ladies and gentleman, it's a sad fact, but a true one: you never really know what's going on in someone's relationship unless you're one of the two members. Or maybe more than two members. I'm thankfully not in your bedroom to know.

A lot of times couples put up the facade that all is fine and dandy-- obviously the husband takes out the trash without asking and he even picks up his socks without his wife having to incessantly nag him. The husband, of course, never gets frustrated because the wife never takes an hour to straighten her hair, another half hour to put on her face and forty-five more minutes selecting an outfit. Everything is glorious, unless you're exposed to the true inner workings of the couple, watching them maintain their home and coordinate their mutual social calendar.

So what am I getting at here? First, I think this situation has made me recognize that it's important to never be jealous of any couple or family because they appear flawless and content. Like there are talented athletes and writers in this world, we all know that there exist exceptionally convincing actors. Just because a couple gives off the impression that they never argue over who let the seat up, it doesn't mean that they have a sizzling sex life or laid-back living situation. For all you know, they could sleep in separate beds because one of them...snores. Right.

It's also important to remember that it's not overly beneficial to any couple for outsiders to scrutinize their relationship. It doesn't help us to consider marriages gone wrong when they don't involve us, mainly because, as I said before, we really don't know what was really going on behind closed doors. So instead of considering this situation from a depressing angle like so much of the media has, I'm not going to consider it at all. I, for one, positively don't know anything about their relationship-- I couldn't even get her name right.


XOXO,
RC

ME Time

One of my favorite Sex and the City quotes has always been the following, said by Carrie's on-again-off-again lover, Mr. Big: "After a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh." There's definitely substance to this assertion; after all, isn't it most important to end up with someone who makes you happy?

But, let's face it, not every day in a relationship or marriage is going to be full of laughter. Now I'm by no means an expert on relationships and I certainly know nothing about marriage, but I do know this: a day in either situation might can pass without as much as a chuckle or even a smile. Maybe even two, three or, hell, a couple of weeks. It happens.

Does that mean that Mr. Big's comment loses validity in the grand scheme of things? Not at all.

Let me backtrack a little. Last Friday, my girlfriends and I were some of the first in line to see the newest Sex and the City movie. We were so pumped we even ate dinner while sitting on the floor in line outside of the theater.

We finally got in, the movie started, I got up to go to the bathroom no fewer than eight times, my friends excused themselves for the same reason and to buy candy and to walk around and do anything else possible to avoid any extra seconds of sitting. None of us were glued to our seats and this certainly wasn't the dramatic saga we had all waited for months to see.

Honestly, the movie was horrendous. All that hype for nothing. Sarah Jessica Parker had officially ruined my life again (see http://bitchesinstitches.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-sarah-jessica-parker-ruined-our.html). Well maybe not ruined my life, but ruined a whole two and a half hours of it.

One idea, and one idea only, really hit home with that film. There's a scene where Carrie, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, decides to leave her husband for a couple days to return to her bachlorette-pad to complete a writing assignment. Those two days seemed to have done emotional wonders for both Carrie and her partner, Mr. Big. They decide that this wouldn't be just a one time deal and that it'd be a weekly occurrence. Time to breathe, get work done, spend time with friends apart from a spouse, maybe pluck eyebrows or even catalog a shoe collection-- the possibilities are endless.

"You can't just take a break from marriage!" an overheated girlfriend exclaimed.

Sure, this fictitious duo was criticized by their equally ficticious friends. But, I like to think that these characters mirror real people and true life feelings.

But what if a person could take a break from either a relationship or a marriage? I'm not talking about a break-up break, the kind that's like a trial separation period for both parties to go out, experience other pleasures and ultimately decide whether or not they want to get back together. I mean the very kind of break that Carrie and Mr. Big took on screen: just a couple of days a week (or per month, year or whatever the pair decides) to do things alone and independently.

Many girls have boyfriends who maintain friendships with at least some high school friends who still haven't figured out that they're no longer in high school. If a girl doesn't want to participate in beer pong tournaments followed by public urination and the penis game, maybe she shouldn't have to.

At the same time, a girl could use certainly use her alone time wisely, whether it's used for work or pleasure. I know that I certainly don't want any man with me when I'm out shoe shopping and I'm sure as hell that a man wouldn't be caught dead trailing me on those adventures.

So, for as awful as that movie was, I think that it did illustrate a really great idea: we all need alone time. We can all benefit from taking a step back from even those we love the most. And, believe me, there are definite benefits to that when you eventually reunite. But I'll leave that notion for you to figure out on your own.


XOXO,
R.