It happens all the time. Girl goes out with boy. Boy and girl both have fun. It seems like they share a “special” connection. Both go home smiling. Maybe they share another night out. Maybe not. Boy never calls girl again. Girl wonders what happened. Boy never tells girl. Girl never finds out answer. Story ends.
It's all too common yet I hear this recurring tale from girls' perspectives all the time. "We had everything minus our mothers in common!" they exclaim. "It went perfectly and I was never so comfortable in my life on a first date!" others tell. What they all wonder, no matter how they're phrasing it and regardless of how they proceed with their lives, is WHY. Why didn't he call? Why didn't we ever see each other again? Did I misjudge the situation? Am I really actually not so accurate when it comes to reading people and did he not actually have fun?
Well, ladies, it's a harsh reality out there: sometimes, you just won't know. You'll never know. Ever. Maybe it sucks, maybe it frustrates you, maybe you want to know what went wrong so that you can finally sleep again or know that it wasn't entirely your fault. But you can't. Sometimes there's no way of knowing. And that's just life.
I've been in this situation many times myself. Sometimes I've found out the honest answer, like when a close guy friend who I seemed to gel with perfectly told me flat out that he's "just not attracted" to me. At the time I was offended; in retrospect, not so much. It was honest. Blunt, hurtful (although out of my control) but honest. Had we not been such close friends as well, I think in that instance that statement would have explained why, even though we connected well, we didn't end up dating.
Likewise, I've also dealt with the Houdinis of dates-- the guys who pull the mysterious disappearing act for reasons that I've never know, only to magically pop back into my life weeks or months later. Maybe they've reappeared with the intentions of scoring more dates with me, or maybe they've just wanted a booty-call. I usually imagine that they've tried out some other girls (perhaps unsuccessfully) and are trying to revert back to me, their second, seemingly safer option. But, let's face it, I no longer want to see you again, no matter how much I felt like we connected in the past. You've already proven to me that you're not reliable or, really, all that serious in pursuing me.
A strong emotional spark means a lot and there's no arguing that, but it sure aint everything. Dependability, on the other hand, represents a greater part of the equation than we usually imagine. So you've got some amazing things in common, but does it ever really matter if he doesn't call when he says he will or never initiates plans with you?
Yes, we can sometimes learn from our mistakes but, quite honestly, when a guy just fades away, there isn't always something to gain from knowing why. I'm a believer in constructive criticism, even when it hurts, but sometimes, like in many of these situations, there's nothing really constructive to say. Maybe he's just not interested or perhaps he just has bullshit commitment issues and is scared to actually get into a serious relationship.
Knowing about any of his personal mischegas (the Yiddish word for BS) won't help YOU. You might even find yourself wondering if you can convince him otherwise or help him in some way. But don't. Just don't. Take it for what it is: it wasn't meant to be. If he wanted to date you he'd make it a point to call you and make plans and treat you well and impress your friends and family. Maybe in the future he will be ready, and he might come crawling back. It's then up for you to decide if you want to get involved or not. That's when you have to weigh the evidence and go with your gut.
It's comforting when we have answers. It really is. Especially when we know things happened because they were out of our control (even as frustrating as that can be) because we know that we didn't do anything wrong to precipitation the situation. The fact of life is that we don't always have answers. Just like we don't know how the world came to be or why Bill Clinton ever thought it would be a good idea to bang Monica Lewinsky (couldn't he have done better?!), we don't always stop dating someone with full knowledge as to why things went down the way they did. (Not him on you, sickos! And, if that is what I'm referring to, maybe your answer is that you just didn't smell that clean. If so, take care of that now, missy.)
Speculating isn't worth our time. Making an effort to find someone reliable and respectful is. And it's important to remember that.
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