The Disappearing Act

It happens all the time. Girl goes out with boy. Boy and girl both have fun. It seems like they share a “special” connection. Both go home smiling. Maybe they share another night out. Maybe not. Boy never calls girl again. Girl wonders what happened. Boy never tells girl. Girl never finds out answer. Story ends.

It's all too common yet I hear this recurring tale from girls' perspectives all the time. "We had everything minus our mothers in common!" they exclaim. "It went perfectly and I was never so comfortable in my life on a first date!" others tell. What they all wonder, no matter how they're phrasing it and regardless of how they proceed with their lives, is WHY. Why didn't he call? Why didn't we ever see each other again? Did I misjudge the situation? Am I really actually not so accurate when it comes to reading people and did he not actually have fun?

Well, ladies, it's a harsh reality out there: sometimes, you just won't know. You'll never know. Ever. Maybe it sucks, maybe it frustrates you, maybe you want to know what went wrong so that you can finally sleep again or know that it wasn't entirely your fault. But you can't. Sometimes there's no way of knowing. And that's just life.

I've been in this situation many times myself. Sometimes I've found out the honest answer, like when a close guy friend who I seemed to gel with perfectly told me flat out that he's "just not attracted" to me. At the time I was offended; in retrospect, not so much. It was honest. Blunt, hurtful (although out of my control) but honest. Had we not been such close friends as well, I think in that instance that statement would have explained why, even though we connected well, we didn't end up dating.

Likewise, I've also dealt with the Houdinis of dates-- the guys who pull the mysterious disappearing act for reasons that I've never know, only to magically pop back into my life weeks or months later. Maybe they've reappeared with the intentions of scoring more dates with me, or maybe they've just wanted a booty-call. I usually imagine that they've tried out some other girls (perhaps unsuccessfully) and are trying to revert back to me, their second, seemingly safer option. But, let's face it, I no longer want to see you again, no matter how much I felt like we connected in the past. You've already proven to me that you're not reliable or, really, all that serious in pursuing me.

A strong emotional spark means a lot and there's no arguing that, but it sure aint everything. Dependability, on the other hand, represents a greater part of the equation than we usually imagine. So you've got some amazing things in common, but does it ever really matter if he doesn't call when he says he will or never initiates plans with you?

Yes, we can sometimes learn from our mistakes but, quite honestly, when a guy just fades away, there isn't always something to gain from knowing why. I'm a believer in constructive criticism, even when it hurts, but sometimes, like in many of these situations, there's nothing really constructive to say. Maybe he's just not interested or perhaps he just has bullshit commitment issues and is scared to actually get into a serious relationship.

Knowing about any of his personal mischegas (the Yiddish word for BS) won't help YOU. You might even find yourself wondering if you can convince him otherwise or help him in some way. But don't. Just don't. Take it for what it is: it wasn't meant to be. If he wanted to date you he'd make it a point to call you and make plans and treat you well and impress your friends and family. Maybe in the future he will be ready, and he might come crawling back. It's then up for you to decide if you want to get involved or not. That's when you have to weigh the evidence and go with your gut.

It's comforting when we have answers. It really is. Especially when we know things happened because they were out of our control (even as frustrating as that can be) because we know that we didn't do anything wrong to precipitation the situation. The fact of life is that we don't always have answers. Just like we don't know how the world came to be or why Bill Clinton ever thought it would be a good idea to bang Monica Lewinsky (couldn't he have done better?!), we don't always stop dating someone with full knowledge as to why things went down the way they did. (Not him on you, sickos! And, if that is what I'm referring to, maybe your answer is that you just didn't smell that clean. If so, take care of that now, missy.)

Speculating isn't worth our time. Making an effort to find someone reliable and respectful is. And it's important to remember that.

I ended it with him... not because he's a pest but because he HAS pests!

A couple of years back, my close friend was plagued with the roommate from hell. No, she wasn’t bringing back strange men, drugs or stinky food. In fact, she wasn’t bringing back anything to their apartment. She just thought she was. She was convinced she had infested their space with bedbugs.

At the time, a couple of years ago already, her incessant fears seemed ridiculous. Bedbugs!? Her bumps on her legs could easily be explained by irritation caused by shaving. And those night itches? Those could certainly be explained by anything at all that causes itching, not just bedbugs.

The situation spiraled out of control when my friend would wake up at 5:00am only to find her roommate sealing all of her clothing in plastic bags. She was struggling to keep those imaginary little critters off of her linens and, as far as we know, she was successful: she never really did have any bugs. We ultimately recognized her insanity when she called her mom as she was packing for a trip to Italy. She panicked that not only her bugs would follow her to Europe, but also that it would be her fault that the entire continent would later be infested.

Crazy? Yes. Unusual fears for then? Certainly. But now in 2010, with a bedbug crisis pervading through most of New York, does her behavior still strike us as insane? Perhaps a little, but definitely not as much as it was back then. I guess we could argue that she was ahead of her time, but I think that I’d still say she represents a psycho-roommate.

In 2008 it was absolutely a little nutty to be freaking out about potential bedbugs and even crazier to have to listen to your roommate stress about them. Who would have thought, just two years later, that her irrational fear would become a rational one for countless people? And now this fear doesn’t just involve roommates, but also boyfriends, girlfriends, dates, husbands, wives and one-night stands.
The thought had never occurred to me before reading a CNN article called “Got bedbugs? New Yorkers may scratch that relationship.” Having bedbugs, whether imaginative or real, seems to effect our relationships with those around us, mainly because there is such an infestation in our country right now. Who would have thought that we’d have to consider the presence of actual bugs before hopping into someone’s bed? Moreover, who’d think we’d have to consider other bugs besides scabies (EW.) before sleeping with someone?

According to this article, these little guys are breaking up relationships (both casual and not) more often than we’d imagine. The situation causes people to forgo physical interaction with others, in fear that the bugs might spread to their own bodies and clothing. Additionally, the bugs are causing more people to panic like my friend’s roommate did, even when no bugs really crawl through our rooms. That constant panic alone can easily cause rifts or tension in a relationship. I mean, really, would you want to deal with someone whose thoughts of bugs occupy their entire train of thought all day?

We can, though, learn a few things from this article. First, you shouldn’t crawl into bed with a random person. This is not only because of the factors we can all name immediately (STDs, physical danger, etc.), but because you really don’t know what else is lurking under their sheets. We also can gather how serious of a problem these bugs are-- how quickly they spread and how rampant they truly are-- and why it’s so imperative that we take action if we ever actually find them in our apartments.

But do I really think that we can definitively say that bed bugs ruin relationships? Absolutely not. We all face stressful matters in all of our social and romantic relationships. But if you’re going to let these teensy little dudes ruin what you have with your significant other, I’d argue that you have much bigger problems somewhere. We can all easily mask the issues and say that bedbugs are ruining our lives, but really, it’s important to realize that maybe you’re ending your relationship because of your small guy and not because of your small creepy-crawlers.

PS: I actually don’t mean that. Well, not completely at least. Don’t break up with a guy because of his size. Just don’t. But we’ll get into that another time.