Dating & Avoiding Technological Ties

Almost a year ago I went out on a first date with a guy who lived in my neighborhood. As we were finishing up our afternoon tea (I never have had and never will have a cup of coffee!) he checked his vibrating phone. He'd received a BBM (a Blackberry Message, for those of you unfamiliar) from a friend. Points to him for not responding, although negative points to him for looking at all and for telling me flat out after I had asked that we couldn't be BBM friends. I thought I had made myself clear that I was kidding and that I didn't, in fact, actually intend on adding him to my list of contacts, but he didn't take it that way. In retrospect it seems like a slightly creepy request from me on a first date. (But, in retrospect, many choices I've made also seem like bad ideas. Like that guy first semester of freshman year of college, er um... THOSE guys freshman year in college...)

Date two rolled along and we started talking about Facebook. This time, boy explained to me that no, not only could we not be BBM friends, but also we weren't yet at the point where we could be Facebook friends. Blunt and just weird, right?

Most of my friends thought it was bizarre. They warned that he was certainly trying to hide something from me, something he didn't want me seeing as wee got to know each other more and more. He must have had scantily-clad women in his photos and countless girls making flirty comments all over his wall. After all, if he had nothing to hide, why wouldn't he just friend me?!

As it turns out, he didn't even have a wall. And he still doesn't. Well, he did for a brief second in time as an experiment, but then realized he didn't like what people were posting. "It's like me holding up a sign in public that screams that I'm about to have lunch with my friend or going to get my car serviced," he always explains. And, really, I can't argue-- he's right. Why should everyone who he accepts as a Facebook "friend" be privy to such personal or even such mundane information about his life?

In the end it didn't take him all that long to extend me the privilege of being his Facebook friend. I'd say that by date three he finally clicked the "accept" button, an action that allowed me to see his personal information and-- the real jackpot-- his photos... photos that cataloged his life for the past five or so years. It did take slightly longer for him to make it clear to me that he wanted me to himself, as his girlfriend who wasn't seeing other guys.

Now, months later, we're still dating, and I'm able to look back with a smile on how he handled the whole technological aspect of our new relationship. We're still not BBM friends (I kicked the BB to the curb months ago) but we do use Facebook together, mostly so that we can share photos from our adventures with family and friends. There really shouldn't be any big surprises that arise from this site at this point; the key to any good relationship is openness and communication, without which maybe I'd be finding photos of him posing with strange girls. And, to be honest, I don't find myself clicking on his page all that much, as any face to face interaction transcends whatever I could gather from his online profile.

The lesson I've learned though, is two-fold: yes, it's true that Facebook is a fabulous stalking tool. Of course the second he gave me access to his page I looked through the photos that people had tagged of him to see what his college life had been life, who he'd been hanging out with, which girls he'd been involved with. He happened to not have anything too racy, so his online persona didn't sway me one way or the other. But I also learned that maybe it wasn't a bad idea after all to make me wait it out for a couple of weeks and just get to know him via in-person dates, phone calls and emails. That way I got to know the real him, the one who I still see regularly and not the version that Facebook might portray him as. (Think about it for a second-- most people's pictures online are from when they're out with friends, usually partying or drinking or being social to some degree, just because that's when people have to have cameras around. Doesn't mean they're always like that, but rather just that's when people snap the most pictures!)

As for not letting me be his BBM friend-- that much, I still don't know. From what I understand he was afraid that I'd turn into that annoying girl who expected constant contact, even when we were apart. Of course I made this possible without the use of a Blackberry (Kidding. No, really. I'm joking.) but, in all honesty, I see his point. No need to be THAT connected-- texts, emails and calls really should suffice when you're not together. I'd say that if they don't then you've got a real problem and it's really time to cut the Facebook ties and, well, all ties for that matter because girl (or boy!), it's time to be independent!

Facebook and Our Feelings?!

So here’s an interesting one. Facebook cares about you. Not only does the company/website care about you, they care about your feelings and your emotions, especially when it comes to romantic breakups.
According to Samuel Axon’s “Facebook stops showing you photos of your ex” (http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/10/20/facebook.ex.photos.mashable/index.html?iref=NS1) on www.cnn.com, Facebook “used to constantly show you photos of your ex, which might have reminded you just how great things were before he or she dumped you, but it has stopped that now. Exes no longer show up in the ‘Photo Memories’ box.” For those unaware, the “Photo Memories” box refers to that subdivision of your Facebook screen that appears in the top right corner of certain pages on the site, like when you’re viewing friends or photos.

Now, if I remember correctly from The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg certainly cared about algorithms. He definitely didn’t care about social relationships on the personal level. Rather, he was concerned about how they applied to other people and how he could capitalize on essentially helping technologically define other people’s social ties. But, hey, money talks and a good business person knows what their client is after. And Zuckerberg’s clients, we can assume, certainly aren’t after making their lives miserable and depressing through constant visual reminders of relationships past. Well, some of them might be, but here I’m assuming that we’re not all crazy emo people who strive to be depressed all day. Or at least I hope not.

Anyway, according to this source, a group of people made a Facebook group where they protested the “Photo Memories” box. Their efforts, it seems, made an impact as they got their way. Facebook developed a set of rules in their programing code to make it so that our exes essentially no longer pop up unwanted on our screens. What the code entails no one but insiders knows for sure; maybe the system recognizes when we used to click on someone’s profile all the time and then stopped, or perhaps it’s based solely on changed relationship statuses. As one of my friends said once, “I don’t question it, I just know that Facebook somehow knows everything.” Scary but somehow true.

Since Facebook already has way too much of my information (and I’m really the only one at fault for that) I’m not sure what I think. I can’t decide if I like that they’re using my clicking-habits to help me out or if I’d really appreciate that they stay out of my personal life. I’d like to think that when I feel as if the whole world knows I’ve just experienced a tragic breakup at least animals and non-human, inanimate objects, like the internet and our computers, are unaware. Apparently no long the case.

Now, I do have to say that it might bring on a sense of relief if an ex’s picture no longer pops up when we didn’t even go to their page. I mean, sometimes it’s unavoidable, especially if you two still maintain mutual friendships. He or she is bound to appear in a picture you’re looking at for an entirely different reason than to stalk him. My own algorithm helps me calculate me that there’s a good chance this will happen. (Funny role reversal here, I’m pretending to enter the mathematical/computer science world as Facebook and its developers try to edge into the realities of the social world.)

When it comes down to it, I think I appreciate the intentions of the company here. In the olden days (read: Y2K and before) we didn’t have to look at pictures of an ex unless we pulled out and dusted the photo box we kept under our bed. Now, with the prolific nature of social networking online, we have no choice but to keep seeing reminders of what was. If Facebook can even help me to avoid one of those hurtful moments, even just one, then I say all the power to them. I’d prefer to spend that moment not thinking about an ex, wouldn’t you?

I’m Cutting You Out of My Technological Life.

Remember when you were in elementary school and there was that friend you’d always fight with? She would threaten to not invite you to her birthday party or that she’d have a playdate with a bunch of your friends and exclude you. Or what about in high school and there was that jealous ex who spread rumors about you? Didn’t you want to completely cut out that evil person from your life? (After ripping their hair out and throwing a few punches, of course.)

At least for me, it used to be my dream to never again lay eyes on those who bullied me or tormented me most as a kid. In an ideal world, I’d never have to. As nice as it would have been, I wasn’t able to forever avoid these annoying and sometimes downright evil characters in my life. There existed no hard way to make it clear that we were done and never speaking again, unless one of us were to explicitly say so.

Now we’re in the Facebook era and, yep, you guessed it, it’s easier than ever to completely separate someone from your life. All it takes is one little click and-- POOF-- you’ve officially “unfriended” someone. (Yes, “unfriend” is apparently a real word. See here.) No detrimental words needed. Certainly no black eyes or even scratches. In fact, the person being unfriended might not even know, but you, oh you little social networking genius, have surreptitiously severed all ties from this evil person. It might take until the next time they attempt to stalk you for them to realize this. Who knows-- they might look you up every hour on the hour just like I follow my friends. Just kidding. (Or am I?) Maybe they don’t care enough to ever review your carefully crafted “About Me” section and selection of 1,359 photos of yourself. Regardless, no one knows.

So who do we unfriend and why? Let’s take it from the most basic of levels: we technologically and in actuality unfriend those with whom we’ve had some sort of fight or interaction that has been so negatively intense that we choose to no longer maintain a relationship with that person. We could be talking about the girl who you had a bitch-fight with in the middle of the dining hall at school because she thinks you’re turning all her friends against her. Likewise, it could be that guy who you were really into who just broke your heart. Perhaps you can’t bare the thought of these people popping up on your computer screen which, ultimately, forces you to not only look at their faces but to also, if even for a split second, provokes a strong emotional reaction.

Know what? I get it. It’s painful to see that the guy used to date has a new girlfriend who happens to be ten pounds lighter than you, tall, blonde and gorgeous. It’s also hard to see that A., the girl who strives to make your life miserable, is off having a blast with B. and C., your two best friends-- without you.

But what does unfriending them really accomplish? Is it really worth our time or the potential ramifications?

I think that in certain instances I can at least understand why people go to this extreme. I call it an extreme even though it’s really just clicking a button. That said, that one click makes it abundantly clear that you’ve ended all contact or possibilities for contact in the future. If you were some bitchy girl who started dating the guy of my dreams (knowingly), would I unfriend you? No, because that would be a petty way to solve a potentially bigger problem. But if you were that same girl and you went and, say, physically harmed someone close to me, then would I? Maybe.



To be honest, unfriending isn’t the first option that comes to mind, perhaps because I didn’t become a part of the Facebook culture until I was a senior in high school. But would I want to remain Facebook friends so that the entire world could see that we were socially tied? NO. Of course I wouldn’t want to have any connection to you! So perhaps in that situation, just perhaps though, unfriending would be an appropriate option.

What it boils down to is that when we’re utilizing social networking technology, it’s important that we remain as mature as we would in person. If you don’t like what that girl in class has to say, you’re not going to completely cut her off forever. Why do it on Facebook if you’re already “friends” or, as I’d like to think of it, socially connected to some degree? And if someone insults you, are you really going to take the measure of unfriending them, just to ultimately signify that yes, they really have pushed your buttons and upset you? I would think you’d rather let it go than to let them know that they’re accomplished their goal of bothering you.

My advice? Be the bigger person. Don’t unfriend. Learn to use the “hide” feature on your Facebook newsfeed so that you don’t have to see that the guy you had a fight with is writing passive-aggressive status updates to make your life miserable. After all, if you unfriend someone, it’s proving to them that they’ve impacted your life. Chances are, that was their initial objective anyway. Besides, isn’t it sometimes fun to take a step back, read what someone writes online and laugh at how petty their comments are? Believe me, it’s even funnier while they’re simultaneously trying to make new friends or score a hot date!.

Just an FYI-- I recently stumbled across an article on this topic. I think it pretty perfectly sums up why someone might choose to unfriend one of their social ties. If you’re interested, read “To unfriend or not unfriend: That is the Facebook question” by Andrea Bartz and Brenna Erhrlich: click here.