Just Friends-- After Meeting on a Dating Site?

Normally I don't like to read my work email during hours that aren't 8:30am-4:30pm on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays or Fridays. A job-related problem came up last night as I was lounging on the couch in oversized sweatpants. I had to open up my dreaded inbox. Crisis averted after a few moments of panic and a couple instances of almost throwing up. Apparently, though, I wasn't the only one having a day of uncertainty; because I opened up my work email, I found that a work friend was having his own issue to deal with-- one that didn't involve work but that somehow found its way into my work email.

"Will you be in tomorrow?" he wrote. "I have a girl issue to discuss with you."

After a morning equally as stressful as my night, I finally found a second to catch up with friend to get the 411 on his situation. He explained that he had gone on a date. A really good date, for all that that's worth. I couldn't help but wonder what the issue was. Could he be like one of us girls who gets upset when things are going well for us? Was he about to sabotage something good out of fear of letting himself be too happy?

Yes, it was a good date and yes, they most certainly had a great time. They had such a fun time, in fact, that he really wants to go out with her again. Minor detail: he's just not attracted to her.

The problem was much simpler than I expected. The solution, on the other hand, might not be so easy to determine. Could he just tell her that he wants to be friends with her-- and then actually remain her friend? he wondered aloud. NO, I answered.

But why not? Why couldn't they just be friends?

Are you really looking for new FRIENDS? I asked him.

No, he answered.

I asked him if he thought that this girl was searching for more friends.

Negative. She wasn't and isn't.

This girl is on a dating site for a reason, and it aint because she's looking for another man friend to play Scrabble against on a Friday night. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule. Maybe sometimes we are looking for new friends; for example, we might be on the friend prowl when we've moved to a new city or we find that our group of friends has dissipated. But, in general, how often do you think people are really spending time on matchmaking sites without any intentions of finding romance and/or sexual partners? It's quite simple actually: dating sites are for that very purpose-- dating. Deep, I know.

Well, this friend wanted to know, what was my rationale behind my very solid opinion? I clearly had made a decision, and it wasn't based on the idea that guys and girls can't just be friends. (I'm a strong believer that they can be.) Past experience, though, has taught me that people who meet on dating sites (generally speaking) can't and won't develop friendships. Take, for example, the last time I thought that was possible. The guy and I became close "friends" and we hung out platonically dozens of times. But, each and every time we hung out, it became clearer and clearer that he had ulterior motives for our hangout sessions, whereas I really just wanted a guy friend to spend time with since I had just moved into the area.

Our "friendship" ended when he decided to attempt to pull a fast-one, but I ended that situation quicker than he could have ever imagined. Sure enough, he found himself a girlfriend a couple of months later because, after all, that was what he had truly been yearning for the entire time. (Disclaimer: no fault against him for wanting a romantic relationship with someone; I was the one who lost points for being the idiot to not see through his whole friendship act.) He had met me on a dating site for a reason and since I wasn't fulfilling his desires, he wasn't about to accept just friendship with me (a girl who he apparently was attracted to) while eager for more.

When I started to think about my coworker's situation, though, I realized that another occurrence had also influenced my point of view. Years ago when I was dealing with an on-again/off-again situation with a guy and things just weren't working out, I told him in one of those emotional, college-maturity ways that I thought we should just be friends. Funny thing is I was serious-- I really thought that.

His response?

"R, I don't NEED anymore friends. I wouldn't have been out looking for a girlfriend and gotten involved with you if I were looking for more friends."

I really believe that we can never have enough friends. That said, it's more important to develop deep and meaningful friendships, rather than stretch ourselves thin over dozens of "friends." (Same goes for how we shouldn't do that with members of the opposite sex!) But, this boyfriend's comment was the end to whatever we had between us. To be quite honest, I think it was the end of me thinking that guys and girls on dating sites (who found each other via this technology) can really end up friends. After all, if we were looking for more friends, would we really be going to the trouble to advertise ourselves as seeking romance?

Dating & Avoiding Technological Ties

Almost a year ago I went out on a first date with a guy who lived in my neighborhood. As we were finishing up our afternoon tea (I never have had and never will have a cup of coffee!) he checked his vibrating phone. He'd received a BBM (a Blackberry Message, for those of you unfamiliar) from a friend. Points to him for not responding, although negative points to him for looking at all and for telling me flat out after I had asked that we couldn't be BBM friends. I thought I had made myself clear that I was kidding and that I didn't, in fact, actually intend on adding him to my list of contacts, but he didn't take it that way. In retrospect it seems like a slightly creepy request from me on a first date. (But, in retrospect, many choices I've made also seem like bad ideas. Like that guy first semester of freshman year of college, er um... THOSE guys freshman year in college...)

Date two rolled along and we started talking about Facebook. This time, boy explained to me that no, not only could we not be BBM friends, but also we weren't yet at the point where we could be Facebook friends. Blunt and just weird, right?

Most of my friends thought it was bizarre. They warned that he was certainly trying to hide something from me, something he didn't want me seeing as wee got to know each other more and more. He must have had scantily-clad women in his photos and countless girls making flirty comments all over his wall. After all, if he had nothing to hide, why wouldn't he just friend me?!

As it turns out, he didn't even have a wall. And he still doesn't. Well, he did for a brief second in time as an experiment, but then realized he didn't like what people were posting. "It's like me holding up a sign in public that screams that I'm about to have lunch with my friend or going to get my car serviced," he always explains. And, really, I can't argue-- he's right. Why should everyone who he accepts as a Facebook "friend" be privy to such personal or even such mundane information about his life?

In the end it didn't take him all that long to extend me the privilege of being his Facebook friend. I'd say that by date three he finally clicked the "accept" button, an action that allowed me to see his personal information and-- the real jackpot-- his photos... photos that cataloged his life for the past five or so years. It did take slightly longer for him to make it clear to me that he wanted me to himself, as his girlfriend who wasn't seeing other guys.

Now, months later, we're still dating, and I'm able to look back with a smile on how he handled the whole technological aspect of our new relationship. We're still not BBM friends (I kicked the BB to the curb months ago) but we do use Facebook together, mostly so that we can share photos from our adventures with family and friends. There really shouldn't be any big surprises that arise from this site at this point; the key to any good relationship is openness and communication, without which maybe I'd be finding photos of him posing with strange girls. And, to be honest, I don't find myself clicking on his page all that much, as any face to face interaction transcends whatever I could gather from his online profile.

The lesson I've learned though, is two-fold: yes, it's true that Facebook is a fabulous stalking tool. Of course the second he gave me access to his page I looked through the photos that people had tagged of him to see what his college life had been life, who he'd been hanging out with, which girls he'd been involved with. He happened to not have anything too racy, so his online persona didn't sway me one way or the other. But I also learned that maybe it wasn't a bad idea after all to make me wait it out for a couple of weeks and just get to know him via in-person dates, phone calls and emails. That way I got to know the real him, the one who I still see regularly and not the version that Facebook might portray him as. (Think about it for a second-- most people's pictures online are from when they're out with friends, usually partying or drinking or being social to some degree, just because that's when people have to have cameras around. Doesn't mean they're always like that, but rather just that's when people snap the most pictures!)

As for not letting me be his BBM friend-- that much, I still don't know. From what I understand he was afraid that I'd turn into that annoying girl who expected constant contact, even when we were apart. Of course I made this possible without the use of a Blackberry (Kidding. No, really. I'm joking.) but, in all honesty, I see his point. No need to be THAT connected-- texts, emails and calls really should suffice when you're not together. I'd say that if they don't then you've got a real problem and it's really time to cut the Facebook ties and, well, all ties for that matter because girl (or boy!), it's time to be independent!