My Advice? Move on to the next one!

I’m not a tough person. I cry in the shower when a coworker makes a nasty comment. I endlessly replay situations where a friend issues me a backhanded compliment.

When it comes to dating, though, I’m pretty tough. Let’s put it this way: if you’re coming to me for advice regarding a guy who just isn’t treating you well, I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you that maybe, sweetie, he’s just going through a tough time. I refuse to allow your pretty little mind to think that, yes, it’s acceptable that he won’t label you as his girlfriend or show you off to his friends.

Know why? Because it’s not. Nope, not acceptable at all.

So after he finally breaks up with you (or you’re lucky enough to break up with him) I’m not going to be sympathetic when you keep running back to him. You miss him—I get it. It’s downright painful to cutoff all ties with someone who you’d text midday from the bookstore because you saw something they’d like. You’re probably used to checking on him during his lunch break at work and maybe he called you every night before bed.

But listen, sister, a breakup is just that: a BREAKUP. Don’t you even think of running back to his cozy bed dressed in plaid, unwashed sheets. You can do better—at the very least you can sleep in your own WASHED sheets— and you know it.

Whenever an applicable situation comes up I like to reference one of my favorite books of all time, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt. (Please note that I’m not talking about the movie with the same title. It was based off the book but failed to sufficiently convey the book’s messages accurately.)

Anyway, this summarizes my above-referenced feelings, which some might perceive as my nasty-bitch side, to a T:

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on. –He’s Just Not That Into You

So what if you get that, you’re following the rules and not talking to him, and he’s the one calling you to tell you that he ate a fabulous corned beef sandwich on rye with spicy mustard, ran an amazing 4.667 miles and, oh yea, by the way, he misses you, baby?

Yes, he broke up with you, but he’s still the one running back for comfort. He made the conscious decision to not be with you, but he still feels like it’s alright to call to ask you about your day.

I have no explanation for why this happens, but it seems to happen frequently. Really, a lot. Now I never advocate for retaliation (it’s better just to let things go and, as idealistic as this might sound, “be the bigger person”) but sometimes it’s best to in your own way dig it back to him.

Don’t answer his calls. Don’t run out when he emails asking to meet at Starbucks to catch up. Allow him to miss you, to consider what he gave up. Certainly don’t rerun your dramatic relationship ending where he called you fat and you told him that his member was small over and over. Don’t wish him anything bad or even be rude or short to him. Just don’t. It’s not worth your time.

Over time, I’ve learned that the sooner we let go of these freaks, the ones who treat us poorly and forget that they can’t just have us anytime they so please, the sooner we’ll get closer to finding Mr. Right. I’m not saying that we’ll ever find Mr. Perfect, but with each bad egg we crack, that’s one down and we’re one person closer to discovering someone kind and compassionate.

So, if nothing more, remember this: the next time a guy blows you off for balcony seats at an NBA game, consider what he really means to you and, more importantly here, what you mean to him. I mean, really, he’s not even ditching you for courtside seats, but balcony seats? Come on! Move on.

XOXO,
R.

Clinton's Wife was the First Lady and Gore's is called Tipper, Right?

As a kid I spent a few summers on a local college campus attending day camp. College universities obviously don't completely shutdown for the season even though there often seems to be a shortage of kegs, sleazy frat boys and scantily-clad females. So there would often be an important visitor or two around to give a lecture or take a tour.

One day a rumor spread like wildfire: the Tipper was here! The Tipper was here! Clearly she was really important as she was the Vice-President's WIFE. It was only after an entire day of hearing this that I learned that she wasn't in fact THE Tipper, but rather Tipper was her first name. I was foolishly led to believe that our country had a President, a First Lady, a Vice President and a Tipper.

I'm told there was a huge uproar over "The Great Gore Kiss" involving that very same woman in 2000 at the Democratic National Convention. (See http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/video/al-gore-and-tipper-gore-kiss-at-the-dnc-10797435). I'm somewhat surprised that a political figure of such importance could get away wish such an expression of love on national television. I read an article somewhere in which the reporter labeled it a "Can't wait to see you later in the bedroom, baby" kiss. To me the gesture seems over-the-top, even though it's many years later. But really, to me personally it doesn't matter at all. I hadn't thought about that women since I was running from outdoor swim to the kickball field in one sock and two Tevas.

Flash forward from around that era to 2010. I clearly hadn't thought about this lady in years, but somehow she's once again in the spotlight, even though her husband is no longer in office. Or, shall I say, soon-to-be ex-husband. Now the passion has gone from revolving around her nauseatingly overt/hopelessly romantic (depending on how you look at it) on-stage PDA to how could the epitome of a perfect couple go down the tubes?

Is it sad that this couple broke up even when Hillary and Bill have managed to stay together after he "didn't have sexual relations with that woman"? Yes, for sure. It's also disappointing that their marriage won't boast a fairytale ending, even if they began it on that track by meeting at their prom. We wonder whether that kiss that so many Americans witnessed was falsified or exaggerated. On the flip side, perhaps everything really was that fabulous between the duo and the relationship only crumbled afterwards.

Well ladies and gentleman, it's a sad fact, but a true one: you never really know what's going on in someone's relationship unless you're one of the two members. Or maybe more than two members. I'm thankfully not in your bedroom to know.

A lot of times couples put up the facade that all is fine and dandy-- obviously the husband takes out the trash without asking and he even picks up his socks without his wife having to incessantly nag him. The husband, of course, never gets frustrated because the wife never takes an hour to straighten her hair, another half hour to put on her face and forty-five more minutes selecting an outfit. Everything is glorious, unless you're exposed to the true inner workings of the couple, watching them maintain their home and coordinate their mutual social calendar.

So what am I getting at here? First, I think this situation has made me recognize that it's important to never be jealous of any couple or family because they appear flawless and content. Like there are talented athletes and writers in this world, we all know that there exist exceptionally convincing actors. Just because a couple gives off the impression that they never argue over who let the seat up, it doesn't mean that they have a sizzling sex life or laid-back living situation. For all you know, they could sleep in separate beds because one of them...snores. Right.

It's also important to remember that it's not overly beneficial to any couple for outsiders to scrutinize their relationship. It doesn't help us to consider marriages gone wrong when they don't involve us, mainly because, as I said before, we really don't know what was really going on behind closed doors. So instead of considering this situation from a depressing angle like so much of the media has, I'm not going to consider it at all. I, for one, positively don't know anything about their relationship-- I couldn't even get her name right.


XOXO,
RC

ME Time

One of my favorite Sex and the City quotes has always been the following, said by Carrie's on-again-off-again lover, Mr. Big: "After a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh." There's definitely substance to this assertion; after all, isn't it most important to end up with someone who makes you happy?

But, let's face it, not every day in a relationship or marriage is going to be full of laughter. Now I'm by no means an expert on relationships and I certainly know nothing about marriage, but I do know this: a day in either situation might can pass without as much as a chuckle or even a smile. Maybe even two, three or, hell, a couple of weeks. It happens.

Does that mean that Mr. Big's comment loses validity in the grand scheme of things? Not at all.

Let me backtrack a little. Last Friday, my girlfriends and I were some of the first in line to see the newest Sex and the City movie. We were so pumped we even ate dinner while sitting on the floor in line outside of the theater.

We finally got in, the movie started, I got up to go to the bathroom no fewer than eight times, my friends excused themselves for the same reason and to buy candy and to walk around and do anything else possible to avoid any extra seconds of sitting. None of us were glued to our seats and this certainly wasn't the dramatic saga we had all waited for months to see.

Honestly, the movie was horrendous. All that hype for nothing. Sarah Jessica Parker had officially ruined my life again (see http://bitchesinstitches.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-sarah-jessica-parker-ruined-our.html). Well maybe not ruined my life, but ruined a whole two and a half hours of it.

One idea, and one idea only, really hit home with that film. There's a scene where Carrie, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, decides to leave her husband for a couple days to return to her bachlorette-pad to complete a writing assignment. Those two days seemed to have done emotional wonders for both Carrie and her partner, Mr. Big. They decide that this wouldn't be just a one time deal and that it'd be a weekly occurrence. Time to breathe, get work done, spend time with friends apart from a spouse, maybe pluck eyebrows or even catalog a shoe collection-- the possibilities are endless.

"You can't just take a break from marriage!" an overheated girlfriend exclaimed.

Sure, this fictitious duo was criticized by their equally ficticious friends. But, I like to think that these characters mirror real people and true life feelings.

But what if a person could take a break from either a relationship or a marriage? I'm not talking about a break-up break, the kind that's like a trial separation period for both parties to go out, experience other pleasures and ultimately decide whether or not they want to get back together. I mean the very kind of break that Carrie and Mr. Big took on screen: just a couple of days a week (or per month, year or whatever the pair decides) to do things alone and independently.

Many girls have boyfriends who maintain friendships with at least some high school friends who still haven't figured out that they're no longer in high school. If a girl doesn't want to participate in beer pong tournaments followed by public urination and the penis game, maybe she shouldn't have to.

At the same time, a girl could use certainly use her alone time wisely, whether it's used for work or pleasure. I know that I certainly don't want any man with me when I'm out shoe shopping and I'm sure as hell that a man wouldn't be caught dead trailing me on those adventures.

So, for as awful as that movie was, I think that it did illustrate a really great idea: we all need alone time. We can all benefit from taking a step back from even those we love the most. And, believe me, there are definite benefits to that when you eventually reunite. But I'll leave that notion for you to figure out on your own.


XOXO,
R.

The Beauty in the Breakup

This morning after stumbling into the office I started my very intense and exhausting morning regimen: drinking my Starbucks and reading the news. Tough life, I know. Well, actually, life will be tough if anyone here ever finds out that I have so much free time.

Anyway, I came across an article written as part of a column called Girl Talk: "How A Breakup Boosted My Confidence." (See ). I have no idea who this author Lauren Kusnyer is and for all I know, she could be as unqualified to give dating advice as myself. But her piece was entertaining and, most importantly, full of important points.

At the time of a breakup, the situation feels like the worst thing in the world. Regardless of who dumped who, we find ourselves sad and uneasy that life will change permanently, sometimes in ways we can't even predict. Maybe we can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that he wasn't "the one" and finally admitting it after months of trying to convince ourselves otherwise. Usually though the negative feelings outweigh the positive. It feels like we'll never escape this black hole that we've suddenly been pushed into. All we want to do is text him and we secretly hope he'll call us and say "Baby, I made a huge mistake."

During the mourning period, it seems like there's no way out. This black hole has suddenly filled with quicksand, trapping us further and further into our sadness. We can't conceive of pushing through our misery, nor can we imagine the hurt dissipating.

Not only does this all happen (please don't hate me for saying that "time heals all wounds") but we can actually benefit from being single and having time to ourselves.

If I hadn't been single last summer, for example, I wouldn't have made the extra effort to befriend the girls at my gym. I probably would have been heading home after my butt's class each week to talk on the phone to a boyfriend. Now, I'm lucky enough to have made a great group of girlfriends who are going to be just as wound up and excited beside me tomorrow as we wait for the opening credits to roll in Sex and the City II. (Any other readers beyond pumped?!?)

Besides this, being single eventually encouraged my will to date. I was able to really get out and experience those horribly uncomfortable situations that every girl must come across at some point in her life in order to be considered a real woman. The hours and hours of awkwardness made me at least start to feel as if I had entertainment again after moving to a new city, while also giving me the experiences needed to fully bond with my friends during girltalk.

I think most importantly, being single allows us to gain freedom and independence. Now I'm by no means a feminist and I am for sure an advocate of relationships when they work well. I'm the girl who firmly believes that unclogging a toilet, no matter whose fault it is, is the responsibility of a man, whereas girls have their own girly pieces of housework to keep up with.

That said, it's really great to spend time on your own and allow yourself to recognize that you can make it alone. No, not only that you can, but that you can do it well. You're capable of filling up Saturday nights without the help of a boy, and you sometimes even find that you're able to dedicate more of your time to activities that you yourself are interested in-- and not those of mutual interest with anyone else. It's important to learn these lessons, especially in order to be mindful of these ideas if and when you breakup with someone again.

So for all of you girls out there nursing broken hearts, remember one thing: it'll get better. It might not seem like it, but it will. It'll get easier and easier till the hurt goes away. And even though you probably won't recognize it at the time, the whole suckiness factor of a breakup will make you stronger and tougher. We can all admit that the free time you'll have to go to the gym really can help with that.

But in all seriousness, enjoy your singlehood. Isn't it kind of fun considering the possibilities of who you'll meet next-- as you snuggle a Chinese takeout box on the couch?

XOXO,
R.

(Not) Dating a Jewish Doctor

Get ready to be proud of me… I made a good decision yesterday!

Remember the guy who I liked because of the way he ordered sushi? We had a very nice time on the date, but I wasn’t wowed. When he didn’t contact me after the date, I assumed he wasn’t either.

About a month ago, we got back in touch, but he was back in a relationship with someone he had been dating before we met. I was mildly disappointed, as I was curious to see if we’d have sparks now that the first date awkwardness was behind us.

I should probably take a moment to provide some background. This guy is a Jewish doctor. You’re probably thinking how jealous you are right now that I found the perfect man. Well, I won’t leave you in suspense. There are red flags—lots of them:

Red flag number one: The guy is 12 years older than me.
Red flag number two: He’s in the middle of a divorce.
Red flag number three: He has two little kids.

Red flag number four, which to me is the most concerning of red flags, is the girl he’s seeing, and it requires some explanation. This is how the conversation went:

Jewish Doctor: It’s complicated.
Me: Okay, explain it.
JD: We both see other people, but only for sex.
Me: Why’s that?
JD: Because sex in our relationship is difficult and infrequent.
Me: I know it’s none of my business, so you don’t have to answer this, but why?
JD: She has a bad history with men and relationships, and as a result has serious trust issues.
Me: Oh. Well I’m not interested in having a strictly sexual relationship with anyone.

Pardon my internet lingo, but WTF?! After sitting there in awe for a few moments, it occurred to me that maybe the girl was raped and (understandably) has issues with sex. That was the least of my concerns… this guy is a father. He’s supposed to be setting an example for his children, yet he’s in some half relationship? Really? Accept the fact that you aren’t going to have sex with your girlfriend until you really earn her trust, then go watch porn and jack off in the mean time. Or, if that’s not acceptable, move the fuck on.

So I cut ties right that moment, right? Bye bye, Mr. old man Jewish doctor, good luck with the divorce! Wrong. For some reason I decided it was a good idea to talk to him about how he’s probably not happy in the relationship as a whole, and we ended up planning to go for drinks later in the week.

Like a sign from the gods, I got a melodramatic text the day before we were supposed to have drinks. “I’m going to have to cancel tomorrow. We see other people but we don’t date other people. I need to figure out where my relationship is going before I can do this. It wouldn’t be fair to you, to her or to me. I hope you will understand.” My head started spinning with all the things I wanted to say. Dude. I met you once. I’m not having some magical fantasyland love affair with you in my brain. You are an interesting person who I enjoyed spending a few hours with, not the love of my life. Calm down. I settled for “No worries, I understand.”

The next night, I was sitting in bed when my phone started buzzing. I picked it up and looked at it. Lo and behold, there was a text from the Jewish Doctor. “I shouldn’t have cancelled tonight.” I asked him why, and he said he realized he’s not happy in his half-relationship, blah blah blah, etc., etc., etc. He wanted to get drinks the next week. I considered it and realized that at this point, I might as well go. His hot mess of a life was pretty damn funny. So I said yes, but he’d have to get me one drink for the inconvenience of cancelling, one for saying yes and one just because.

Yesterday was the day before the date. The more I thought about it, the more I felt the need to ask myself what the hell I was doing. This guy is shopping around for a new girlfriend while in a relationship, and that says quite a bit about his character. Also, you know how I keep saying he’s a doctor? He’s a psychiatrist. He should know better!

Everything became very clear when I thought about his kids. Ex wives, girlfriends, whatever—I’m not one to judge someone for being a homewrecker. But once children enter the picture, some things are not acceptable. And I’m not about to have any part in anything that could possibly complicate a child’s life.

My decision was obvious: Fuck this date. I decided to be dramatic right back at him. My text to him said “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel tomorrow. I’m at a point in my life where I’m thinking about my future, and this is not the situation I want for it. I think you kind of get that already. Good luck.” Now go think about your children instead of yourself for five minutes. I decided it was better to leave that part out…

So let’s review: Much older man. Divorce. Kids. Girlfriend (with issues). Psychiatrist.

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but thank goodness I came to my senses!

Love always,
S