Never Single, Always Attached

First off, please let me apologize for not having posted anything in a couple of weeks. Things have been crazy busy (always a good thing!) and I haven’t had a spare second to write a bitchfest tirade in a while. But, not to worry, I’m back... and as critical as ever.

Even though I’ve been sort of swamped with work and outside activities lately, I’ve still of course made time for Facebook stalking. Obviously. Sometimes it’s just on my phone on the way to work but, without a doubt, it always gets done.

One night as I was scrutinizing the profile of a girl I went to college with, it occurred to me that HOT DAMN, there is NEVER a time that this girl doesn’t have a boyfriend. Never. Not a day. Ok, I’m lying. There was a time that she didn’t have one for about three weeks, but she made sure to get the first one she could get her hands on (literally) after her boy of a couple of years broke things off. Essentially it’s become clear that this girl really hasn’t ever been single since she started dating-- probably back in middle school-- and, judging by the rate she’s going, it doesn’t appear that she ever will be.

I know, I know. You’re wondering how I could possibly predict that she’s going to be attached for the rest of her life. No one has that guarantee, especially these days, do they? People get divorced constantly and, for that matter, many times over. Heck, there’s no guarantee that any of us will even ever get married, but if we’re willing to lower our standards-- and I mean REALLY lower our standards-- we can most certainly seal the deal. After all, all it takes is a couple of blow jobs and, with the quick flick of a tongue, we can score anyone we want, right? (Relax, I’m kidding. Really. I’m seriously joking.)

Some girls are truly willing to settle for anyone and anything. Yes, I just said anything. I’m sure some girls do those blowup doll things like men do, right? In all seriousness, though, there are girls that need to have a man in order to internally validate themselves. They feel worthless unless some man has claimed them as theirs, as if they're not successful in life until they have someone to call their “boyfriend,” “fiance,” or, most significantly, their “husband.” That or they just want to call themselves Mrs. Either way, choose your poison.

Anyway, it’s recently become pretty apparent that this girl I was talking about before not only broke up with her longterm boyfriend, but she also already has a new one. In my opinion, not that she or anyone really cares, she should have broken up with the first guy years ago. Perhaps she could have done it on the day that I found her crying at school because she had just caught him cheating. But, just reiterating what I said before, some girls are willing to take any man they can, just so they feel valued and worthy on this planet.

I’ve long argued that I’m not a feminist-- and I’d still argue that to the death in terms of my prospective on most issues-- but COME ON, GIRLS. Can you really not live a day without a man to call your own? Do you not know how to schedule dinner plans with girlfriends and not include “the boys?” Are you really that afraid of doing things on your own and not having a boy to help you make your decisions and validate your choices?

Perhaps it’s just a sexdrive issue. Maybe that’s it. Maybe girls like her can’t go without intimacy long enough to be single for even a couple of hours. They must be sex addicts. Hey, that could be it. Who knows?!

I think that girls don’t recognize the way that they’re portraying themselves to others when they do this constant boyhopping garbage. Do you really want people to think about you as being that willing to take anyone into your bed? I’m pretty certain that no matter how pretty, smart, funny, sexy, whatever you are, no one sees it as just that; rather, they see you as desperate and unable to manage being on your own. Essentially, you’re viewed as incompetent and weak: she can’t handle getting herself dinner or not having someone sleep in her bed every night!? Come on, girlies, that’s what I’d call pathetic.

Long story short, I’m not impressed by girls who always find themselves attached. It’s not that I’m jealous-- I maintain this idea when I have a boyfriend just as much as when I don’t-- but what's more is that I pity them. I thank my non-existant God for the fact that I can manage on my own, that I don’t rely on dating someone to be happy. And, know what? Sometimes-- or, actually, a lot of times-- it’s more fun to hang out with just myself than anyone else. (Just an FYI: being able to crack yourself up is a great skill.) I’m eternally grateful for being able to enjoy alone time, and well, time when I don’t always have to report my every action to some boy just to feel like a worthy person!

I’m Cutting You Out of My Technological Life.

Remember when you were in elementary school and there was that friend you’d always fight with? She would threaten to not invite you to her birthday party or that she’d have a playdate with a bunch of your friends and exclude you. Or what about in high school and there was that jealous ex who spread rumors about you? Didn’t you want to completely cut out that evil person from your life? (After ripping their hair out and throwing a few punches, of course.)

At least for me, it used to be my dream to never again lay eyes on those who bullied me or tormented me most as a kid. In an ideal world, I’d never have to. As nice as it would have been, I wasn’t able to forever avoid these annoying and sometimes downright evil characters in my life. There existed no hard way to make it clear that we were done and never speaking again, unless one of us were to explicitly say so.

Now we’re in the Facebook era and, yep, you guessed it, it’s easier than ever to completely separate someone from your life. All it takes is one little click and-- POOF-- you’ve officially “unfriended” someone. (Yes, “unfriend” is apparently a real word. See here.) No detrimental words needed. Certainly no black eyes or even scratches. In fact, the person being unfriended might not even know, but you, oh you little social networking genius, have surreptitiously severed all ties from this evil person. It might take until the next time they attempt to stalk you for them to realize this. Who knows-- they might look you up every hour on the hour just like I follow my friends. Just kidding. (Or am I?) Maybe they don’t care enough to ever review your carefully crafted “About Me” section and selection of 1,359 photos of yourself. Regardless, no one knows.

So who do we unfriend and why? Let’s take it from the most basic of levels: we technologically and in actuality unfriend those with whom we’ve had some sort of fight or interaction that has been so negatively intense that we choose to no longer maintain a relationship with that person. We could be talking about the girl who you had a bitch-fight with in the middle of the dining hall at school because she thinks you’re turning all her friends against her. Likewise, it could be that guy who you were really into who just broke your heart. Perhaps you can’t bare the thought of these people popping up on your computer screen which, ultimately, forces you to not only look at their faces but to also, if even for a split second, provokes a strong emotional reaction.

Know what? I get it. It’s painful to see that the guy used to date has a new girlfriend who happens to be ten pounds lighter than you, tall, blonde and gorgeous. It’s also hard to see that A., the girl who strives to make your life miserable, is off having a blast with B. and C., your two best friends-- without you.

But what does unfriending them really accomplish? Is it really worth our time or the potential ramifications?

I think that in certain instances I can at least understand why people go to this extreme. I call it an extreme even though it’s really just clicking a button. That said, that one click makes it abundantly clear that you’ve ended all contact or possibilities for contact in the future. If you were some bitchy girl who started dating the guy of my dreams (knowingly), would I unfriend you? No, because that would be a petty way to solve a potentially bigger problem. But if you were that same girl and you went and, say, physically harmed someone close to me, then would I? Maybe.



To be honest, unfriending isn’t the first option that comes to mind, perhaps because I didn’t become a part of the Facebook culture until I was a senior in high school. But would I want to remain Facebook friends so that the entire world could see that we were socially tied? NO. Of course I wouldn’t want to have any connection to you! So perhaps in that situation, just perhaps though, unfriending would be an appropriate option.

What it boils down to is that when we’re utilizing social networking technology, it’s important that we remain as mature as we would in person. If you don’t like what that girl in class has to say, you’re not going to completely cut her off forever. Why do it on Facebook if you’re already “friends” or, as I’d like to think of it, socially connected to some degree? And if someone insults you, are you really going to take the measure of unfriending them, just to ultimately signify that yes, they really have pushed your buttons and upset you? I would think you’d rather let it go than to let them know that they’re accomplished their goal of bothering you.

My advice? Be the bigger person. Don’t unfriend. Learn to use the “hide” feature on your Facebook newsfeed so that you don’t have to see that the guy you had a fight with is writing passive-aggressive status updates to make your life miserable. After all, if you unfriend someone, it’s proving to them that they’ve impacted your life. Chances are, that was their initial objective anyway. Besides, isn’t it sometimes fun to take a step back, read what someone writes online and laugh at how petty their comments are? Believe me, it’s even funnier while they’re simultaneously trying to make new friends or score a hot date!.

Just an FYI-- I recently stumbled across an article on this topic. I think it pretty perfectly sums up why someone might choose to unfriend one of their social ties. If you’re interested, read “To unfriend or not unfriend: That is the Facebook question” by Andrea Bartz and Brenna Erhrlich: click here.

Sometimes a Girl Just Needs Her Space-- Her OWN Space!

Back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and our grandparents were getting engaged, it wasn’t acceptable to become too intimate with a boy before marriage. It definitely wasn’t socially acceptable to be canoodling or, worse-- engaging in sexual relations-- with anyone before the papers were signed and the deal sealed.

But living together? That had to have been than just worse than just intercourse itself. It’s like a blatant statement to the outside world that WE ARE HAVING SEX. Almost as bad as if the girl were to get pregnant. But maybe not quite. At least there wouldn’t be an illegitimate child to forever be holding a neon sign saying “I’m here because my parents made a mistake before they were married!” It might even have flashing lights and ringing bells.

Now we’re in the year 2010 and, as we all know, the public opinion and trends in terms of living together before marriage have both changed drastically. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, “just over 50% of first cohabitating couples ever get married.” In fact, they also write that “Cohabitation, once rare, is not the norm: The researchers found that more than half (54 percent) of all first marriages between 1990 and 1994 began with cohabitation.”

So, for the purposes of this post, and because I think it’s fair to believe that the numbers have surpassed 50% almost 20 years later, let’s say that, on the whole, more people than not cohabitate before marriage. Not that there’s a pressure to do so, but it’s more acceptable if it’s the choice a couple makes. And, believe me, most people are curious about what their partner is like to live with. Does he clip his toenails in a nausea-inducing manner in front of her? Does her dog destroy all underwear that she can get her paws on? Pair that curiosity with society’s acceptance towards living together and we’re certain to get more and more people trying it out before making any legal commitments. And we have.

What if, though, living together is what you both want to do, but, at the same time, it freaks you out a little? What if you feel smothered for space? Or what if you’re just worried about going to the bathroom with your lover on the other side of the door?

These all represent legitimate concerns, that’s for sure. It’s hard to adjust to living with someone new, especially if you’re sharing a bed, eating your meals together, using the same closet space etc. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a solution to these concerns.

OK-- not maybe-- there IS a solution! But you might judge me for it. Or simply say that if a person opts for this choice they’re just not yet ready to move in with the person they supposedly want to live with. (I, on the other hand, maintain the opinion that it’s good to stay independent, whether you’re living together, single, married, divorced, whatever.) What can you do? You can each maintain your own space.

What do I mean by this? I mean that maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world for each person to have a part of the home that they could call their own. His space could be where he keeps his Little League trophies and action movies. Hers could be an escape where she keeps her bed dressed in fresh smelling sheets, covered with her childhood stuffed animals and bordered by bookshelves featuring her favorite chick-lit. What both places would have in common, though, would be that each would represent a place to take a time out, to take a break from communal living space. Because sometimes, a girl just wants to sit on the phone with her best friend and gossip, not worrying about her partner’s input. And we all know that tons of men rely on their video game time, but that most women don’t want to be involved in the . At least in my opinion, these diverse interests make for healthy relationships. After all, we can’t spend all of our time (or even a majority!) with those we love most.

Of course when I brought up this idea of separate bedrooms or individualized spaces with my friends, most were shocked or even horrified. Why would you move in with someone if you don’t want to share a bedroom? Isn’t that the point of moving in?

Yes, I’d argue that in general it is. But, that said, I’m not arguing that people who select this choice wouldn’t be sharing a bed on a nightly basis. I’m not even saying that they wouldn’t spend time in each other’s spaces. It’s just that sometimes being alone is the most rewarding and luxurious time of all. We all need it and that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. And for couples just moving in together, of course living in such close proximity is an adjustment. So why not, like with most other things in life, start off slowly? You could then gradually combine your spaces and things over time.

I bet you can imagine some of the specific reasons why it might be beneficial to maintain separate spaces or even separate bedrooms. I found a great article, “8 Reasons Why Married Couples Should Have Separate Bedrooms,” and it’s certainly worth considering. See here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/270260/8_reasons_why_married_couples_should.html?cat=72. A couple of years ago, in 2007, the Huffington Post even called this concept of married couples having separate bedrooms “all the rage.” See here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/03/10/separate-bedrooms-for-mar_n_43118.html.

Life’s not a rush, nor is it a competition or comparison between people. Do what you need to do. But no need to be assuaged by the masses. After all, if we were to allow the American public to sway our decisions, we’d all be spending our lives eating McDonalds and watching NASCAR. Let’s face it, both are bad ideas. So maybe we can cohabitate in the not-traditionally American way, too. It really could benefit all of our relationships.

THAT Girl

If you’ve ever read my blog before, you know that I hate romance. If you haven’t read my blog before, know one thing: I hate romance. I can’t stand when men are too gushy and sweet, when they bring girls roses and chocolates and all those other cliched items that every girl ends up tossing. I especially despise watching the reactions of girls who like this type of attention. Any girl who feeds into that type of love-dovey behavior in front of me isn’t someone I want to be around. Except myself.

Let me explain. Don’t worry, nothing has changed. I haven’t turned into a girl that expects (or even allows) her man to buy her things, and I’m certainly not one that makes out with her boyfriend in public. Unfortunately for him, I’ll barely even give him a kiss on the cheek when other people are around. As I’ve reiterated over and over, I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life being single. I’ve watched (in jealously) as other girls show affection for their boyfriends on the side of the road, only for the boys to reciprocate.

What happens though, if you’re a girl like me, one who hates watching other people all sickeningly in love, when you find yourself in love? What if you realize that you, too, love a man, and love him so much that you want to show your affection everywhere and anywhere? So much so that you want to shout it from the rooftops and show him off to every passerby?

If you’re aware of your surroundings, social rules or at all empathetic, you won’t act like those people you see on the street. You won’t be hanging on each other as if you’re physically attached at the lips to your partner, and you won’t be shrieking “I LOVE YOU” and “I MISS YOU!!!!” in front of other people. You just won’t.

But, that doesn’t mean you won’t be all ew and gross and pukey in private. In fact, the more you hold it in when you’re out in public the more likely you’re going to be disgusting with your boy-toy in private. If you won’t even, say, hold his hand when you’re walking to dinner, there’s a good chance that you barely let go of his hand when you’re in private. If for nothing more, it’s to make up for lost time with the one that you love.

Is that a problem if you’re really touchy-feely and romantic in private? I’d have to argue that it’s not at all. In fact, I’d even say that you’re more empathetic and socially aware of the people who don’t save their PDA and affection for private time. As a single girl at heart (simply in my beliefs towards affection in public, not in promiscuous behavior!) I’m always aware of other people. How might my friends react if I were “spending time with them” while simultaneously groping my boyfriend? Do you think they’d like it if my tongue were down his throat as they tried to share a meal or have a conversation? You know the answer. That answer is why I keep my hands to myself-- at least in public! The rules of nursery school, boys and girls.

Sure, sharing is caring. As my friend L. always says, sharing is caring unless it’s a venereal disease. I’m going to add to that and say it’s caring unless it’s affection in public. Don't share your affection in public and be THAT girl. No one wants to see it. Really.

Just remember, though, that affection still is important. It’s what makes or breaks our relationships with other people, what boosts or hinders our self-esteem. Without showing our love and gratitude toward those we care about, of course they’ll feel under-appreciated and not understand how imperative they are in our lives. Our emotional well-being relies on hugs, kisses and, yes, I’ll say it, sex. But there’s no reason to show the world all these expressions of love. Such public displays make other people want to slap you and your partner both across the face. I’d have to say that I wouldn’t argue with someone for (FINALLY!) doing that. It might do all of us disgusted onlookers some good.

I'm Religious so it's OK to Break the Rules

Underwear that says "shomer negiah," literally meaning "observant of the laws of touching," in Hebrew.

When I was moving to a new city a couple of years ago, someone from home introduced me over email to a friend of his, who we’ll call Ari. Ari was also new to the city, and although he was working long hours, he was in search of someone with whom he could occasionally enjoy dinner and a movie. On a rainy Sunday afternoon, we were slated to meet up for coffee.

I remember calling my observant Jewish friend ahead of our meeting; I knew Ari was pretty religious, but I just didn’t know how much so. Some religious Jews (just like observant members of religions) won’t engage in sexual relations before marriage. Some, of course, will, but others take it to the opposite extreme: they won’t even touch members of the opposite sex before they’re married, excluding family members. That’s right: no touching. Not a hug, not a kiss on the cheek, not even a handshake or a shoulder tap. How was I supposed to greet him since I didn't know his beliefs, I wondered? What if I were to try to shake his hand, only to have him retreat in disgust?

We showed up at the café and exchanged some sort of a verbal greeting. OK, I thought, he must be shomer negiah, or a Jewish person who won’t touch a member of the opposite sex before marriage. I actually didn’t even flinch-- he kept the entire interaction, including the initial meeting, completely comfortable. He even had me laughing and engaged in conversation. Here we were, hitting it off. I had been thinking I’d have nothing in common with this person and would ruin it with an inappropriate physical interaction that he’d be offended by!

As we finished our drinks we headed outside, only to be caught in a torrential downpour. Since my apartment was only a block away and he had to attend a fancy dinner in an hour, I offered to let him come upstairs and borrow a towel to dry off. In the elevator he poked me playfully. That was hint #1 that maybe, just maybe, he would be willing to touch girls and that—dare I say it-- he’d be someone I could see myself actually dating.

A couple of days later, Ari called me around 10:00pm. He had gotten out of his investment-banking job early for the night. He wanted to come up to “say hi” and I of course agreed.

I’m not going to go into details about what happened here, but let’s just say that as soon as I closed my door he felt it would be acceptable to aggressively kiss me. Lesson learned? He’s not shomer negiah. Hard puzzle to piece together, I know.

He didn’t want the interaction to end with the spit swapping, though. He kept insisting that he wouldn’t normally do more than kiss, but since I’m “such a cute girl” he just couldn’t help himself. Really, he used to kiss girls sometimes, but, well, actually he once used to sleep with girls, but he had since stopped because of his religion. I was just SO CUTE though that he couldn’t control himself and was willing to bend his religious rules.

Now, I’m a pretty naïve girl sometimes, especially exemplified by the fact that I even allowed him to come over at that hour. But, believe it or not, this time I caught on. I caught on and I called bullshit.

“I don’t care if you keep kosher [follow Jewish dietary laws] or pray every day, the fact that you’re lying to me makes you not a good person,” I said to him as I started to escort him out the door.

“Being a good person is all relative, R.,” he sung back with a slimy grin as I stood at the door waiting for him to put on his shoes.

I think he made a valid point, even though under the circumstances it proved irrelevant. Anyone trying to make inappropriate advances on a girl is, in my book, not a good person. Or, at the very least, they’re not using good and thoughtful judgment.

I’ve observed this tactic of some boys over and over: they use their apparent religious preferences to win over girls. Clearly if they’re religious they’re honest, focused and ethical men. Then, when they really want to get some action (because what real man doesn’t?) it’s suddenly OK for them to break the rules-- the very same rules that they think attracted the girl to them in the first place.

I used to know a couple who actually would openly advertise to the world that they were both shomer negiah. They’d refuse to hug their friends who were members of the opposite sex or even extend a helping hand unless it were a dire emergency. Yet, as soon as the two started dating, they’d spend weekends sleeping in the same room. They’d even go as far as to blow up an air mattress to make it appear that they weren’t sharing a bed, when everyone (including, yes, their almighty God) knew what was really going on.

In these types of situations, I have to ask: what kind of a façade are you putting up? It’s one thing if you’re legitimately religious and really follow all of the rules because they truly align with your beliefs. When you’re putting on an act, you’re only lying to yourself. As I've said in past posts, liars always get caught. Even if it’s not until hell’s infernos, they get caught.

For more on the concept of "shomer negiah," in the form of a fun blog, please visit http://www.yourtango.com//201075616/no-touching-allowed.